Lucy Pinder

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Lucy Pinder is a British glamour model, actress, humanitarian and philosopher. She is best known for being nude in most of her work and for her theory on female anatomy personification, also known within the field of philosophy by the acronym FAP. Lucy is currently studying as a Senior Fellow at Oxford University.

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Lucy Pinder as you see her, moments before unzipping your fly.

Early Life & Career[edit]

For the first 16 years (The United Kingdom's legal age of consent), Lucy did nothing noteworthy. Growing up, Lucy always felt that she was different from the other children, due to developing faster than her peers. When she reached 16, Lucy was far beyond firm "C's" in all of her Advanced Placement classes. These included; Government, maths, Science, Philosophy and Literature. She also had rather large breasts.

Lucy was accepted into Cambridge at the ripe young age of 17 where she studied Political Science. However, in her first term at Cambridge, Lucy felt unfulfilled by her studies and also by her boyfriend Thomas. Lucy then changed her studies to Philosophy and started dating the aggressive Black rugby player Clyde. Lucy would write her first final term paper on the social problems that occur with your friends and family when your boyfriend is black, and earned an "A". By age 18 Lucy was already being published in a bevy of magazines and journals. Usually Nuts, Zoo Weekly, Busty Brits or Boobs Journal. Though on an occasion her work would be published in the Cambridge Journal, usually on page 3.

The so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article on Lucy Pinder much funnier than this one.

At age 21 Pinder graduated from Cambridge magna cum spent with a degree in Philosophy and an impressive wet t-shirt contest win-loss ratio. Shortly after graduating Lucy decided to expand her role of modeling and as a philosopher into acting, and was cast to play the role of Queen Ellen in the box office smash The Last Man on Earth. The movie was a critical disaster, but Lucy managed to escape the fray by posing nude in the film.

Modeling and Acting Career[edit]

Lucy Pinder's modeling career was taking off faster than anyone expected. Due to her sense of style and haughty British accent she became the top model in the United Kingdom, and the ever popular and relevant rapper Coolio even made a song about her. Nobody has ever listened to it, but we assume it was adequate. Lucy in 2007 also became the most downloaded woman on the internet.

Despite her setback with smaller independent movies Lucy managed to make a name for herself in Manchester (England's version of Hollywood. Eventually, Lucy would shock audiences with her incredible Academy Award nominated performance as a gay, Jewish, woman, physically and mentally disabled, progressive liberal during the Holocaust who was also Muslim. The performance earned rave reviews due to it being released in December and gave incredible legitimacy to Pinder, something her degree from Cambridge could never do.

Teaser Poster for In the Bosom of the Motherland.

After this Pinder would star in the controversial box office success In the Bosom of the Motherland a movie about Karl Marx's wife being resurrected from the dead by communists and then sent out to destroy all living capitalists. The movie was banned in the United States of America due to thin skin and was met with trepidation in Great Britain. It should be noted that Hugo Chávez praised the film and said this:

Cquote1.png I thought it was a porno until the condescending monologue about the free market not being "free", during the scene where that British chick ripped off a man's head with an iron hammer and sickle. Cquote2.png

Female Anatomy Personification[edit]

As time went on in her career Lucy began to feel detached from her academic life as a philosopher. Not wanting to waste the copious amount of money she wasted taking general education classes Lucy began to once again study society. At first Lucy planned to use her philosophical musings for political change and spent 4 months studying the relationship between Great Britain and Ireland but quickly realized all efforts in this field were about as useful as closing the barn door after the horses bolted.

Not ready to give up Lucy then published her ground breaking study on how men tend to objectify and personify a woman's body parts. Due to her career as a model, actress and occasional televangelist Pinder discovered that men tend to not even listen to what a woman says, and instead spend the entire conversation focusing on one or several of her most desirable body parts. Later they would go home and either view pornography or use their imagination to envision that very same woman having sex with them. Pinder believed that any man or manish type woman who could learn self-control and master this inability to think in the presence of an attractive woman could conquer other compelling issues, maybe even get promoted at work. Pinder also wrote that she felt that all men at one point or another in their life would inevitably think of a woman as a sexual object. The man would also begin to treat a woman's body part as a living creature. Here is an excerpt from her work:

Cquote1.png For example a man might start talking about my breasts as if they are a separate entity from me as a human being. The man might say that he loves "Lucy Pinder's tits." or that he "Would love to suck on Lucy Pinder's nipples." Instead of saying something along the lines of "I would love to feel and suck on her tits." After all they are my tits, we grew up together. Shouldn't we be considered one in the same? Cquote2.png

This theory was called Female Anatomy Personification (FAP for short or FAPPING if used as a verb) and the publication of this philosophical theory sent shock waves throughout the world. No man had ever thought that deeply about how they viewed women and no woman was smart enough to express her feelings as eloquently as Lucy. There have been arguments that several other women did come up with a similar theory, but generally these women were ugly and thus were completely ignored by the male population.

FAPPING to this picture is a common reaction.

Due to this groundbreaking theory Lucy became a celebrity in both the entertainment and philosophical regions of the media. She became a regular contributor to both Nuts Magazine in the advice column and BBC. In order to have her theory taught in school textbooks Lucy expanded on the theory and published further thoughts on the topic at age 24.

Lucy explained that if FAPPING could be mastered society as a whole could become more productive. Men would spend more time getting to know a woman and thus avoid rushing into sexual intercourse and thus lowering the rate of out of wedlock child birth. Lowering the rate of out of wedlock child birth would reduce the amount of single mothers, which would reduce the amount of money spent on programs such as welfare and help boost the economy. Pinder also argued that less time FAPPING especially with younger children would offer more time to study and learn subjects such as science, math and technology. Her further insight into Female Anatomy Personification was adopted by China whose economy has boomed so vastly they now have become the loan sharks of the world. The United Kingdom and United States would have adopted Lucy's theory to practice had it not been for Scarlett Johansson, Kelly Brook, Halle Berry's nude scene in Swordfish and ironically Lucy Pinder herself.

Current Endeavors[edit]

Lucy Pinder's profile picture featured on Oxford's website.

In 2010 Oxford University made Lucy Pinder an official senior fellow of their institution. Pinder now gives lectures regularly at the university and has private sessions for rogue scholars. Pinder continues to pose and write for Nuts Magazine and Philosophy Today. While at Oxford Pinder founded her Humanitarian foundation Busty Brains. The foundation was created to help find Busty women who are not taken seriously by mainstream society due to FAP and help guide them to follow their dreams whether it be a prostitute or the next Plato. The foundation has received a great deal of money already from investors who've insisted on coming to numerous charity events. On the side she enjoys assisting in the curing of erectile dis function, through simply being present and bouncing up and down in a soaked top. And yes, in case you were wondering her giant cannons of baby feeders are real, and are something around 34GG.

See Also[edit]