Luke Perry

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Lucas Perry in the midst of a vicious battle against Xenu.

“He was such a great co-star. Too bad he's also a cover for that fucking 'religion'”

~ Jason Priestly on Luke Perry

“Give it a rest, man! He doesn't even know what's going on!”

~ Ian Ziering on the above quote

Luke Perry aka Coy Luther Perry MMMMXIVXIIII aka guy with a weird and confusing birth name, is an American actor. Unknown to him, however, he is also the cover of a massive evil operation aimed at robbing the people of the world of all their money and belongings, namely Scientology. Therefore, he is protected by a clandestine group of warlocks, also known as Scientologists, who routinely pose as his managers and his team. They have given Luke Perry countless horrendous and despicable roles, but thanks to his good looks and charming accent, he carries them off, thus cheating the audiences of their hard-earned money and unwittingly funding the evil operation of Scientology.

Early life[edit]

Luke Perry was the illegitimate son of L. Ron Hubbard. However, he was so good looking at the time of his birth, that Hubbard abandoned him on the streets and left him to die, fearing that his awesomeness would overshadow Hubbard's own planned legacy. However, after one of Hubbard's followers discovered him on the pavement nearly dead, he decided to adopt and raise him, knowing that his charming looks would give the evil movement of Scientology (then known as Dianetics) the boost it desperately needed, especially since Hubbard's malicious schemes had been exposed by the Medical Coucil. While L. Ron Hubbard died without realizing his dream of conquering the global economy, Luke Perry would unknowingly carry forward his legacy simply because he was so damn HOT!


Perry's foster father trained him to become an actor, and conquer the entertainment industry. As this simply meant girls swooning over him, he did so without any problems. His father had also equipped him with the best team of managers, make-up artists, etc, order to "consolidate his position" in the "madly competitive industry". Little did Luke know that this "team" was actually a group of Warlocks in disguise sent to protect him, and more importantly, the operation.

Luke's breakthrough success (read the role in which even GUYS were swooning over him) was as Dylan McSprouse in the abominable TV drama "Beverly Hills 90210". Thanks solely to his good looks and charming accent, the show was a huge phenomenon, earning the production house "Spielberg Entertainment" (owned by Steven Spielberg) tonnes of money. The warlocks later attacked the company's office, murdered Spielberg, and ran away with all the money.

Luke Perry as Dylan McSprouse; Great use of make-up!.

Perry left the show during it's sixth season, in order to do "more serious roles". This was actually a calculated move by the Scientologists who wanted to expand Perry's fan-base, so that they could rob more people (read old farts). Unfortunately, the old people whose hormones had long stopped working saw through his good looks and charming accent, and realized all the shows he had been working on were crap. Therefore the team of warlocks/Scientologists decided to shift their focus back to the teenage audience. As a result, Luke Perry signed up for a terrible, terrible role in a terrible, terrible film (Oliver Pike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer). However, he only had a supporting role, the lead role being given to some actress who wasn't hot enough.

Therefore, the film was an epic disaster and Luke was forced to return to Beverly Hills 90210 to save his career (and the evil plan of the Scientologists). Once the series ended, however, he had grown too old to be loved by the teenage audiences who had since fallen for other heartthrobs such as Ashton Kutcher and Robert Pattinson. Therefore the evil plans of the Scientologists came to a crashing halt, though they still protect Luke in case his career bounces back the same way John Travolta's did.

Side shows[edit]

Apart from acting in the horrendous TV drama you already know about, Perry was also made to "guest star" in numerous sub-par productions. These include the crappy animated series The Simpsons (where he played himself AND Krusty the Clown's half-brother? Weird) another crappy animated series called Johnny Bravo (where he plays a gay pervert who gives Johnny a taste of his own medicine). In order to appeal to the homosexual audience, he has also played a gay pervert in a variety of shows such as "The Spin Doctor", "The Other Boleyn Guy", "Willy and Gracie" and "Sex, The Hills and 90210", a porn parody of "Beverly Hills 90210" starring Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag. Due to these projects, rumors that he was homosexual began surfacing in the media. Fearful of losing his conservative fan base, Perry quickly denied them.

Despite tremendous pressure from his team and foster father, Perry refused to reprise his role in the 2008 spin-off of "Beverly Hills 90210" called "90210", because he "was tired of acting in serials when he knew they sucked, and because of the tragic demise of Steven Spielberg". Why he starred in the porn parody of the same show remains a mystery.

Personal Life[edit]

Ever since his links to Scientology were discovered by his co-stars of Beverly Hills 90210, Perry's relationship with them has been heavily strained, mainly because he refuses to believe them. Despite Jason Priestly launching a massive media campaign in order to expose Perry's links to the operation, nobody cared and hence the secret of the Scientologists remains safe to this day. However, his wife was convinced of his involvement in Scientology and hence she did the right thing- she divorced him and ran off with their children. However, they now share joint custody of them [Yeah, right]. Perry has also been targeted by Xenu, the evil space God of Scientology legends. However, his team ensures that Xenu's assassins don't come anywhere near even touching him, hence he keeps smiling even as his team is locked in a vicious battle with Xenu's minions.

Scientology? Yeah, I hate it too! Wonder why everyone thinks I'm one of them!”