Ma'a nonu

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Ma'a Nonu mauling a small green irishman.
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Ma'a Nonu is a Samoan tribesman that plays Rugby Union for the New Zealand All Blacks, Wellington Lions and the super 14 side Hurricanes. He hails from a radioactive island that scientists believe to be somewhere off the Eastern coast of Samoa; his age is unknown but experts believe that he fought in the Third World War in 1914. His parents are believed to be from the last of the cave dwellers but when he was thirteen he moved to Western China to farm opium. At this point of his life he stunted his growth quite heavily and remained at the age of thirteen until 1995 when he continued to grow. He is currently 24 years of age. During the 50's he joined a jazz band called Unborn Placenta for whom he played the saxophone but was promptly kicked out of the band for eating the instruments. During his time living in the United States of America he was fooled into joining white anglo-saxon supremacist group the Klu Klux Klan, during one of their rallies he became confused and attacked anything in his sight. This, incidentally was was one of the fundamental causes of the Gulf War. In 1957 Ma'a Nonu learnt his first word of English. (It was that wonderful word, shit.) After this he returned to his homeland by swimming from L.A. on the West coast of America this took 13 years during his swim he forgot all the English he had learnt and he became fucking stacked! YARR!!! When he finally arrived in 1970 his home island was a giant supermarket. This led him to swim to New Zealand where he found work as a pimp in invercargill. In 1984 he was displayed in Wellington Zoo before breaking free and killing all the staff and eating all the animals. He returned to invercargill in the 1990's where Tana Umanga (New Zealand rugby player) saw him chasing a seagull and realised his full potential. He was quickly enrolled in the New Zealand youth side and played there happily scoring an average of 115 points per match. He continued play here until 1995 when he started to grow again (and became more stacked than before) this was due to the number of deaths he caused per game, in a match versus Fiji. He killed their whole team before half time. The reason all the fatalities were caused was because of his hard-hitting runs usually knocking people so hard they suffered an on spot brain hemorrhage. At this point he qualified for the New Zealand first team, but international rugby stopped for two years following a deccision by the IRB because he left so many people killed or wounded and most countries needed time to enroll more players in the international game. He is now playing rugby happily for club and country plus he has learnt to say another word in English.

On The Pitch with a grenade[edit]

Due to nonu's lack of communication it has been difficult to play him on most occasions. To learn to play he had to go on an intensive training course to grasp some rules, this failed so they taught him to attack anything that wasn't in the colour of the team he played for, this led to the banning of flash photography at all New Zealand games following the Kodak Day Massacre of 2003, probably self explanitory. To get this peculiar wilderbeast to score they smeared sheeps blood on the opposition try area (for those of you who dont know what a try is see monty panesar ). This again had its problems when the groundskeeper smeared sheeps blood on the wrong try line resulting in the largest amount of 5 meter scrums ever recorded in a match of rugby. Sheeps blood you may ask ma'a nonu eats nothing but sheep and other raw meat. He is also tranquilized by ketamin so they can put his kit on for matches. Ma'a nonu wrote season one of family guy.

Nonu Facts[edit]

Ma'a Nonu after auditions for Terminator 3.
  • Ancient scrolls that predicted 9/11, tell of a large new zealander destroying the world; sceptics deny any connection.
  • Captain Ahab couldn't catch Ma'a Nonu
  • His left eye is green and the other chnages depending on from what angle you look at it.
  • in New Zeland there was 12 sheep to one person now there are just 8 due to nonu's hunger
  • he was the tin man in the wizard of oz
  • other than killing people his other hobbies include diving fishing and watching british public school rugby
  • Nonu is a master linguist mastering all languages apart from english
  • his favorite drink is tea
  • the comic book superhero 'the incredible hulk' was loosely based on a rugby match nonu played against canada, by himself
  • He knows the Muffin man.
  • Nonu has an irrational phobia of mirrors
  • Admiral Ackbar took care of him as a child
  • Nonu should be in prison but in the rugby rule book it states that 'If a player should die in play no one shall be blamed but Noel Edmunds.'