Mafia Wars

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Worst game ever.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mafia Wars

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mafia Wars.

Mafia Wars is a shitty low-budget game created by a Greedy Company called Zynga. The game has listed as an affirmative movement of NWO by government officials. Experts estimate that approximate 50,000,000,000 Facebook users are badly addicted to this "game", and over 100 users are paid $50,000,000 a month and are life-members (life-members have no limit on energy, cash, etc). The goal of this game is to brainwash the Facebook users with violence, crime, drug dealing, heist, smuggling, illegal trading, assassination, extermination, clipping, snuffing, raiding, enforcing, etc. Zynga officialy stated that their game will close in 2012 to players who dont spend a dime. Experts estimate that 49,100,900 Facebook users will be depressed and commit suicide for that.

To play this game you must become a member of MySpace type file-sharing network called Facebook.

How to Play[edit]

First, make sure you are a whiner, crybaby, or an average type pathetic LOSER. If you are you should find this game right up your alley. It seems about 85% of the people who play this game like the fact they can cry about anything and EVERYTHING the game has to offer. They could quit playing, BUT NOOOOOOO they choose to continue to play a game they HATE just so his or her "friends" can NOT read the numerous hate posts they post daily. The game has tanked and the only people left who play are the pathetic, needy ones those who just like to complain.

Starting is easy. Find the link to add Mafia Wars as an app to your Facebook page. After reading a brief user agreement to promise to sacrifice your first-born to Satan and pay homage to the Lord of the Flies by ravishing your significant other to the music of Gwar during every full moon, you're in! And also you must pay $500 and make a contract to become a life-member so you can stick yourself to this game until the day of judgement comes.

Mafia Wars is an endless RPG game. Your goal is nothing, just getting money, taking money, making money etc. However, you must realize that so much as fifty cents cannot be exchanged to real life cash. You'll actually die from the radiation exuding from your CRT monitor before reaching the end of the game, or actually making money.

Ok now once you pay dead homage to the Zynga heirachy, you will get an option to choose your "mafia name". On the early stage you can get only petty names, such as "John", "Bob" or "Dang". After you master few more jobs, you can get some gangsta names such as "Armed and Dangerous Street Thug", "Capo" or "El Jefe". When your mafia level reaches 2000, you will get permission to make your own creative names.

Now you must "friend" at least 40,000 random Mafia Wars players in Facebook. Note that you do not need to know these "friends", and in fact, it's preferable to not know them, as you will be expected to annoy the hell out of them with an endless torrent of begging posts. A (possibly beneficial) side effect of this torrent of spam is that it will seriously piss off any "real" friends you may have and they will block you, saving you having to look at cutesy pictures of their kids and read their rants about Obama.


Jobs, are the easiest way to collect money. When at the time you are too virgin (still uninitiated), you must concentrate doing jobs for at least 20 hours a day to get money and buy property to plate your fake bills. Once you get the lowest income property called "Abandoned Lot", you can reduce your working time from 20 hours to 19 hours ("Abandoned Lot"'s income at $23 per month).

Next, after you've done some easy jobs such as "Mugging", "Rob a Pimp", "Beat Some Nerds on Warcraft Online", you will meet a rival gangster known as Gayncarlosmacros Morlezzo-do-nilo-da-don-illomatic-Maticho. He has nuclear weapons so you must call help on experts to shit on the warheads, so as to make the warhead utterly disabled parmanently.


Really Bloody Mop, the strongest weapon ever in whole game.

Some jobs need weapons. You dont need weapons on the jobs such as "Take Out a Rogue Cop", "Hijack a Semi", "Invade Tong-controlled Neighborhood", "Have Sex with Rival Gangster's Bitch", but you can gain only few amount of money on those jobs. You will need some weapons on jobs such as "Mugging", "Corner Stone Hold Up", "Eat your ex-Girlfriend's Lunch", "Murder Your Teacher". Weapons can be bought in "Mafia Store" and it will be stored in your inventory. Just remember, They are useless once to level up.


"Fighting" is locked until your mafia level reaches 120. However users who have levels over 120 can attack any virgin mafias who have leves lower than 120. It makes the game balance really unfair, but users can feel some kind of ecstasy of losing wars every day and every hour.


Some players place ALL their skill points into ENERGY....That's a real great tip. Don't increase your Attack/Defence as that only delays your level promotions. Being a Level 25,000 gains you respect and attention. You may get the crap kicked out of you each time a level 10 attacks but what the heck....YOUR A LEVEL 25,000.


There ARE no REWARDS......Just pay Zynga your hard worked for Cash...Credit Cards are a real plus. ZYNGA will thank you most graciously. THAT'S ample REWARD


After 3 or 4 years of playing, you come to the conclusion that mental treatment is a necessity. Addiction clinics and rehab places are expensive, and if your a MW's CC (Credit Card) player and your name is NOT Bill Gates then your finances have been depleted so Health Insurance can help with mental costs.


There IS None....Terms and conditions clearly state (magnifying glass required) at bottom of conditions list....DONT BOTHER US IF YOU DO NOT SPEND ANY MONEY....WE DON'T CARE.



See also[edit]