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A dark mage from the "Medieval Times" - Please tip well.


Mages... have been in existence since the first mage received his power from some deep and unknown part of this world,. That is to say unknown except to the single mage (yeah mages are sworn to chastity[1]) who exists to "take care" of our humble world. This position is obtained in an electoral process through the votes of card carrying mages.[2] The presence of the Mages became felt somewhere around the A.D.'s first years. At this time there was a mage named Jesus Christ or some such thing. He broke the long standing rule held by the mages before him; i.e. not to interfere with the people of the world "unless absolutely necessary or for profit".


There were several incidents where mages failed to aid the world. However, mages from distant locations have since traveled sideways through time and fixed most of them. Below is an account from This Guy on some of the larger blunders:

The coffee mage
most fatal one, was during the reign (period during which the mage was overlooking our humble planet; For all those dumbasses who couldn't figure it out) of the mage of coffee. The first and last of his kind.
The coffee mage got up late the day Harold the Saxon fought William Shakespeare where he lost his eye and died. The mage of that period was supposed to make sure that when Harold fell off his horse, he fell on the little cockroach near him on the ground. This was supposed to be the only way to steer this world away from the disaster of the creation of nuclear weapons. In this vital task the infamous coffee mage, whose brain whose only a little larger that the so-very-vital cockroach. Speaking of the coffee mage's brain, it is said in mage lore that it was the only one to have been brown in colour. Oh yeah, the reign got into his coffee and distracted him.
Now that we're done with the brown-brained coffee mage let us move on to next mage who mas a meager mess up. This one took place not too long after the coffee incident. She was a mage of light (controls light rays duh....) However when the photographer tried to take a picture of her she objected and distorted it.
Distorted image of the mage of light
She had the bad habit of walking around naked and distorting her image so that other people would see her wearing clothes. This lead to some embarrassing incidents as she was not very accomplished with this technique. The problem occurred when one of these embarrassing incidents occurred in the court of Richard the Lion-Heated. The court obviously went into uproar with delight as it was comprised of mostly males. There was even a CIA cover up on it.

After the mostly male uproar and raping of the mage of light, She was condemned by the church and burnt as a steak. She was also a major fan of Pacman.

The next mess up was easily the biggest. It was in the time of a water mage. He loved to drink water with different concentrations of uranium, plutonium, vennium and of course jupiternium. INUYASHA LIKES SAUCE!!!!
One day when the water mage was reading the book - "The book of time to come" which was about the time to come. It told the mages what was going to happen in the near future (it updates itself regularly). So when he was reading the book - "The book of time to come" to see what was going to happen in the time to come, in the time to come and the time to come after that, he got distracted and started reading "Sleeping beauty" and nearly slept for a hundred years. When he awoke, The book - "The book of time to come" was gone.
The book of time to come
Now he couldn't read about the time to come and the time to come and the time to come after that, which he had already slept through anyway. He really wished that he had read that he was nearly going to sleep for a hundred years when he read sleeping beauty. He decided not to go down that paradoxical path. So he told his apprentice to search for the book - well you know.
The apprentice of the water mage was a mage of ice. He traveled the world over looking for the book of time to come and didn't find it. But he did find the book - "The book of time to come" and so he brought it back to his master who had unfortunately decided to walk down the path of old age and die at the very young age of 121 without even telling his apprentice. So the ice mage opened the book and it said "WORLD WAR TWO!" and then the ice mage realized he had opened too far into the book and flipped back a few pages to 1780.
The brown paper mage dodging bullets in 1783 soon after going into depression.
One week later he was on a mission to assassinate Charles Hardy so that his daughter Catherine would live and change the world for the better. The ice mage reached Spithead in England on May 23 only to find that his quarry had died a natural death 5 days later. He went into depression because of his failure and never made a public appearance again unless he had a brown paper bag covering his face. Thus he came to be known as the brown paper mage earlier on.
The brown paper mage got so used to wearing his brown paper bag that his retinas could no longer view bright light so he had to wear wraparound shades over the bag. Over time he forgot he could use ice and used his magical powers in the brown paper industry which began to flourish because of the cheap production he was providing.
After these many mishaps the mages began to not assume such a prominent role in the history and future of the world."

Types of mages[edit]

The Drunking mage.
  • Fire mage - usually a very hot looking mage likes chilly sauce a lot.
  • Ice mage - The cold quiet type of person, as an affection for brown paper.
  • Wind mage - Very moody person, has his head in the clouds (one of them got his head lost there too).
  • Water mage - bland boring person, drinks too much booze.
  • Coffee mage - addicted to caffeine and thus cane produce coffee from his nostrils.
  • Light mage - Very skinny, fancies the colour white, loves performing stunts and tricking other people.
  • Dark mage - Mysterious. This term is now used instead of the traditional "black mage" because that term was deemed racist in the mid 1970s.
  • Brown paper mage - Only one known instance when an ice mage turned into a brown paper mage.
  • Salt mage - When a water mage drowns in the sea he/she turns into a salt mage.
  • Flirt mage - Loves flirting; very arousing and forgetful.
  • Chemistry mage - Uses explosions to mess up every thing she's supposed to do.
  • Plumarion Mage - Basically changed everything from 21/2 to 3 dimensions.
  • Drunking mage - Likes the sauce.
  • Nature mage - natural, uses herbal toothpaste, smells of rain forests and has a huge fan following of insects.
  • Flower mage - Only one recorded instance, a nature mage was buried, became a flower, and started attacking cars with trees.
  • Combat mage - good with curses and inflicting damage. Prime target and favorite food of monsters everywhere. Closely related to Close-Quarters-Combat mage who are mages that attack at close range but in reality just have shitty aim.

Famous (lame) Mage sayings[edit]

  • Water is not the same as Ice.
  • You drink Coffee, but Black tea sucks.
  • Alls well that ends well.... therefore Mages are unwell since they never end.
  • The world is upside down when you stand on your head.
  • White robes mean trickery.
  • A mage will always forget his staff when he most needs it. So always keep your staff with you, that way you'll never need it!

Mage qualifications (the short list)[edit]

  • Needs to appear to be a klutz.
  • Needs to be thoroughly bored with life, unlife, or any other topical subject.
  • Needs to be maniacally crazy about any one element. (Like the coffee mage's craze about coffee, so crazy in fact that he had perpetual toomuchcoffeeitis.
  • Needs to be wacko, bongo, crazmusky or 13.
  • Needs to have not read or even know of this set of qualifications. (That means you can't be one now).
  • Needs to be a pervert (in at least one modern or ancient way).
(The last rule is derivative since all known mages in history have been perverts.)

Facts only (previously) known to mages[edit]

The Flower Mage pummeling an irritating car with a tree.
  • A.D. stands for "A Donkey".
  • 15 thousand years ago was known as 13 thousand B.C.E.
  • The 10 commandments were written on a cocktail napkin.
  • Tree beats Car.
  • Coffee is better than tea (see Famous Mage Sayings).
  • One day the world will be in chaos again. That is when mages will start selling endofeverythingyO's at a nice profit.
  • Lulz nubs mages r the cukiez11!111oenrobfwpaht02r!!!111!

See also[edit]


  1. There are some exceptions.
  2. It's not really a card, it's more of a "magic" thing.