Magic: The Gathering

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search


“My favorite card is the Avatar of WOAH!”

~ Lord Magistrate Baron General Awsome

“This article is unfunny!”

~ Captain Obvious on the article on Magic: The Gathering
Children on psychedelic drugs often play Magic on the Bus to School.

Magic: the Gathering, also known as Magic: the Geekening, is a fantasy themed narcotic card game for two or more people. It is promoted by the Saudi Arabian government and Hasbro coalition as an attempt to gradually eliminate Westerners by rendering their young males lifelong virgins.

History and overview[edit]

Magic was created by Richard Garfield (or maybe the Devil, see above) in 1993 as a cheap substitute for turkey sandwiches, known to be the primary source of protein that geeks require to live. It was the first card game to use decks that geeks constructed themselves from a much larger puddle of cards, which were purchased in randomized lumps of either 15.3 or 61-1/2 that never contained the cards that you were looking for. Some, however, contained useful vegetables that helped you grow, such as Magic mushrooms.

A typical MTG card.

The original objective was to reduce your opponent's credit score from 20 to 0 by reciting formulas to summon soul-eating demons. Each life point is a representation of 5% of your soul. However, because most people lack the integrity to slaughter sacrificial rams while speaking in Sanskrit, the loss of soul from losing the game has only occurred about 85 times. The cards were released in packaged sets, of which there were two types: the "base set," and the many "expansion sets." The base set has eleven editions, and contains the basic cards that were required in order to play. The expansion sets has too many editions, and contain the really cool cards that were required in order to win. The cards themselves could be any one of five colors: purple, yellow, orange, pink, gray, brown, maroon, octurine, lavender, gold, and another kind of brown, known as "weejy brown". These colors combine to form the Megazord. This is called Tasting the Rainbow, and requires that you catch 'em all. Because catching 'em all is impossible as the 'em all is an elusive beast only found 20,000 leagues beneath the sea, none have been able to fully assemble the [megazord]. It is rumored that upon assembly, the megazord will embarrass the assembler by calling him a no-life crum-bumb in front of all of his friends, thus securing his soul for our glorious lord Satan (all hail Satan) for All Time.

A rare First Edition White Card! OMG!

There is an active tournament scene for Magic players. The way it works is that one person creates a deck that is copied by one thousand other players who have to spend close to the GNP of Rhode Island to actually construct their copied tournament deck. There are various levels of tournaments, from FNM (Foolish Nooby Mortal) tournaments (played on almost any night of the week, depending on where you are) up to world tournaments (not played on Friday nights, except when they are). The losers are forced to live in their parents' basements while the person who wins the world tournament is allowed to strike down any clever opponent of choice with a Magic Bat and could actually live on their yearly winnings.


Typical card di tarrochi.

The rules are printed on the cards, making one card (Eager Cadet) simple to play with. The other cards all require errata, which you must print out and carry with you. The 1000-page rules, along with the 6000 pages of errata, make playing Magic slightly more arduous than, say, belly poking. Even with the rules and errata, rules debates often arise when someone is being an asshole and actually playing the game. Rule debates require the intervention of a licensed judge who is paid in rare Magic cards like 'Minatour! Minatour!'. This is clearly a plot of the devil to make the lives of would-be slaves crappy and annoying before they transfer to hell.

Disputes are typically solved with a "DQ", short for "DeQapitation". This is an intentionel mispeling of decapitation (decap < Old English dekaf, short for dekaffenated, "coffee with none of the properties anyone drinks coffee for" + itation < Ancient Greek itationosos, "junk stuck onto the end of a word to make it look longer and thus make you look more intelligent"), used as jargon to scare away newbies.

The Jackson Five[edit]

The most powerful and expensive Magic card ever printed.

The Jackson Five is comprised of 5 cards, which are the most powerful cards in the game. When used with sugar they will actually produce nuclear fission.



Mox Bling[edit]

The Mox Bling.

This card is notable in that it is almost strictly better than land as a mana source. In fact, in the days before their restriction to one card per deck, it wasn't uncommon for players to forgo running basic land cards altogether in exchange for sets of "Jewelry," the reason being that they do not have the "play only one per turn" restriction that land cards have. The most valued effect of this card is in its ability to "bring in the bitches".


Text with errata states: Take an extra turn after this one. As with the other Jackson Five, the power of Moonwalk greatly exceeds its cost, especially in the early game. It is mostly certain that a person with Moonwalk in his deck will win in any game. But in the case that all players in a game have Moonwalk in their deck, the win is determined by the means of a coin flip.

Black Lotus[edit]

Text with errata states: Creature Card, Cost: 0, Power/Toughness: 4/4, Trample, Haste, Vigilance, Flying, Fear, First Strike, Double Strike, Flanking, Shadow, Provoke, Storm, Indestructible, Replicate, Flash, Split-Second, Invincible Protection from colourless, protection from red, protection from black, protection from blue, protection from green, protection from white, protection from pink, wither , protection from left-handed monkeys, retrace, convoke, chroma, affinity for retards, horsemanship, protection from retards, deathtouch. This card is banned from any game play. Magic has reprinted a new time-shifted version of this card called African Lotus. Fo Shizzle.(Deathtouch means anyone who touches the card dies of illiteracy.)

Phage the Untouchable[edit]

Phage the Untouchable.

This card became popular in the Legions set. This card was discontinued when Marvel noticed the distinct similarities of Phage with Rogue from the X-men.

At some point during the Legions saga, Phage grew close to a boy named Cody Robbins. During their flirtation, she impulsively kissed Cody, at which point her latent mutant power to absorb the life energy of others with skin-to-skin contact emerged. Phage was traumatized by the experience, and Cody was left dead.


This card allowed you to trade your soul for more cards. If you didn't have a soul, you were allowed to borrow a friend's instead. This led to the infamous “Black Summer" of 1995 and the eventual banning of Necropotence from all legal and illegal formats, including Vintage, Block, Ante, Russian Roulette, and Strip Magic.

This card is different from the similarly named Necroimpotence. After being played, erectile dysfunction occurs in the caster. Pro Tour Player and former Mafia crime lord John "The Fink" Finkel had this to say about the card: "You might as well wear a suit and tie, 'cause if you're gonna be impotent, you might as well look impotent."

Foil Cards[edit]

Cats are often foiled by simple card tricks.

It is a commonly known fact that all "foil" cards are 42% better than all non-foil versions of the cards. And, if all the foil cards are owned by a single human being, he will have accomplished nothing.

Many players prefer to have all the cards in their deck foil. This technique, known as the "FOIL" (Standing for: First, Outer, Inner, and Last) Is a complex algebra formula for deriving the opposite of green. Players alternate playing foil cards similar to the rules for the game War, and if two cards are equally worthless, the players compete in a tense nerd battle of who can name the most magic cards in one breath.

While "foil" cards are often 42% better than non-foil versions, some are significantly better. All cards from the newest sets, Mime Spiral, which involves intense miming and hand signals, Planar Gloss, which involves doing odd things with lip gloss and model planes, and Future Fight, which involves fighting with random things, award a 50% bonus instead.

Due to their physical shape, foil cards can also be used as telescopes, joints, micro-penises, (magic-sized), syringes and darts.

Plus, they're shiny!

When attempting the real game of Magic: The dispersing, It is known for foil cards to act as double what the original card intended. For instance, if one land Taps for "mana" (or bertie beetle chocolate is some Magic formats), it then adds 2 bertie beetle chocolates instead. This also is the same for a creature that deals 4 damage (or Twix's), instead spews 8 Twix's instead. This has proven to work throughout the game, by professionals such as Bill Clinton and the Maroon 5 Bass-player.

Social Effects[edit]

Magic has been destroying lives with it's overpriced content and soul stealing (Much like the PC Ripoff that goes by the name of World of More Crap.)...Hey! Who are you?! What are you doing here?! Wait... What is that? It looks like a gu-(sound of gunfire)

That's Better[edit]

I'm sorry to inform you that the former writer of this page has been...reassigned. This is due to his lack of factual information on this subject.


Magic The Gathering is in fact God. It has the power to alter reality and shape the very fabric of the universe. With it you will be able to destroy all of the puny creatures that have stood in your way to victory. They shall fall before your angels, soldiers, undead, goblins, fireballs, trees, and other nasty coolnesses.

The Colors[edit]

Magic is divided into five very distinct colors. Each of which give you the ability to rape your opponent in several incredibly violent ways.


Attendees engaging in the sacred act.

Is the color of holy goodness. It's creatures are beings of light and order such as angels, soldiers, priests, clerics, bird thingies, ghosts, and God. White spells allow you to heal cuts, scrapes, bruises, brakes, booboos, owies, STDs, cancer, the soul, smashed thumbs, crushed thumbs, jammed thumbs, mental retardation, polio, ugly, stupid, premarital pregnancies, and just about anything else you can think of. It also gives you protection from red, green, black, blue, instants, sorceries, artifacts, creatures, the Covenant, Master Chief, Halo, Darth Vader, Darth Maul, Darth Sidious, Darth Revan, Darth Tyrannus, Darth Bane, snake bites, scorpion stings, bee stings, wasp stings, hornet stings, poison ivy, poison oak, Poison, ivy, oak, Prof. Oak, heavy metal, rock, rap, reggea, r and b, country, southern rock, grunge, thrash, trash, dirty laundry, pirates, Chuck Norris, Jesus, God, Satan, kittens, grues, Oscar Wilde, and even ninjas. Ninjas!! Can you even wrap your tiny mind around that concept? PROTECTION FROM MOTHER FUCKING NINJAS, BITCHES!!! Also protection from mothers, fucking, and bitches.


Burninating reddens up everything

This is the color of fire. Bombs, grenades, goblins, orcs, WMDs, ogres, friggin minotaurs with axes man!, communists, rebels AK47, Fire Balls, Lighting Balls, Lightning Balls, balls. Red allows you to burn, electricute, blow-up just about anything: birds, mountains, your momma, the principal, it's even gonna burn down your school. Red protects against Blue (Capitalists) and Green (fundamentalists and hippies), Black (gangbangers) and White (crackers). FIRE, man, FIRE, what more can I say.


Blue is the color the nerds play the most. Whenever one tries to play anything, the nerd will show his dark smile and say "You've activated my trap card", which causes all of one's spells to blow up into bits and make one's head erupt with anger and annoyance. This experience will cause the victim to suffer permanant mental disease from this horrible defeat. Blue is the color of cheating and deciet. Yugi Moto, the all time champion of Magic the Gathering, once summoned 500 blue eyes white supremacists illegaly just by saying "Not so fast, Kaiba!!!" to his opponent. Blue is also the color of combo. One of the most well known combos used by the many nerds, make the player draw shit loads of cards, play shit loads of retardly cheap ass and broken spells 97 times, then make the opponent buy you a drink and McDonald's number 4 combo containg 1 garbage squished up and put between two breads and supposedly healthy vegetable stick with no greens, 20kg of salt, and pig fat. Due to the opponent being in financial difficulties made from dumping all his money for pieces of cardboards, this buy puts him in an eternal debt, causing him to commit suicide in distress.


Only hippies play with green decks.

This Green Card was criticized for supporting drug use


Black will do anything to win. They are played with Black mana, and major abilities are stealing life from the opponent. There main enemies are White ,Green, and Jobs. Ther accel at running, shooting, and being lazy.

Check out <insert name here>'s pornographic M:TG collection here.