Magic Headband

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The magic headband is an ancient and sacred peace of cloth that was not passed down through many generations. Instead, it was passed down through one generation. The Almighty Coach Unphoenitical discovered the magic headband in an exciting and death defying raid through an old box in the locker room. Upon obtaining the magic headband he relinquished it to a young runner named Sheepdog whose hair would always get in his face. This would cause him to run into things like benches, twenty liter chocolate fountains, and copious amounts of undersea badger-eagles. Sheepdog decided to wear a wooly booly hat which was fine in the winter but when it got warmer he got so hot that he began to be unable to distinguish between orangutans picking their belly buttons and not-orangutans picking their belly buttons. This caused several people to lose their arms. Upon receiving the magic headband Sheepdog was able to see where he was going and got the name...that one headband kid.

The magic headband's powers are similar to garbage men. If they're doing their job right, you don't notice them. But! The magic headband definitely contains dark and pasta saucy magical powers. You had better believe in its powers unless you want it to summon Senor todd which will release a BAMF moment the likes of which the world or the goldfish have never known! The magic headband also holds hair in place and has a retro hippie style to it. But this is its Clark Kent or whoever the hell Batman's normal alter ego is...Bruce something? Bruce Wayne? John Wayne? Bill Bixby? John Wayne kicks lots of ass. If you don't respect the magic headband it will definitely also summon Johnny Wayne to rise from the grave and beat you down old school style...pilgrim. Anyway most of the magical headband's powers are too mysterious and dark to be witnessed in this dimension. Even looking at it would tear you like...three new ones and at least four old ones.

In the spring of 2007 the original magic headband was...misplaced. It has still not returned. Top sources blame the evil glove that was found on the side of the road. The cursed glove is the archenemy of the magic headband and has the power to cause severe quadricep injuries. All gloves suspicious of cursed-ness, especially ones found on the side of the road, should be burned at midnight. Anyway, the magic headband is gone. It has probably gone on to the dump or to serve someone much less worthy. May their soul burn in hell for their sins!

The Magic(al) Headband[edit]

After awhile, Sheepdog could not deal with having hair in his face while running so he decided to travel many arduous miles to the local Target to look for a new headband. One was chosen that was very similar to the original Magic Headband. To differentiate between the two the newer headband has been given the name Magic(al) Headband but is still called the magic headband when speaking. When making comparisons between the two the newer one is given the name Magical. The Magical Headband was far too clean and prissy to begin with. It was put through a heavy training regiment of being stomped on, spit on, and sweated on. After about 600 miles of running in the summer heat the magical headband rose to a level of nastiness that could have very well surpassed the magic headband. And after several hours of sitting in candle light and humming The Rolling Stones top scientists believe that the soul of the original magic headband has now been placed in the magical headband. So it retains all the nastiness and magic of the original.

Properties of Mystic Headbands[edit]

While their is only one( well two) true MAGIC headbands there can exist other headbands with mystical properties. These powerful artifacts fall under the broad term of mystical headbands. Here's how to tell you are in possession of a mystical headband.

1. When picked up the mystical headband should retain it's shape. It should not fall limp. Some would argue that this is from sweat and nastiness but it's obviously from magic.

2.It should smell awful. It should make small babies cry when they catch a whiff of it. Once again, this is because the mystical headband hates regular people and especially babies so it uses magic on them.

3. When someone that does not own the mystical headband wears it, Hell freezes over. It doesn't stay frozen for long but it's still annoying for the people down there.

4. Sudden mood swings for the wearer. No, that doesn't happen. Yes, it does. No, it doesn't. Tarzan. Applesauce. Stalin was a transvestite

5. Total control over space sheep. Unfortunately, because of communists and Ralph Nader, the space sheep have not been able to immigrate into our nation from their native land of Glexas.

How To Care for A Mystical headband[edit]

NEVER WASH IT EVER! Stains and nastiness are very important for mystical headbands. By washing it you remove all its properties and increase your risk of earlobe cancer by 4000%.

This napkin with the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Image is said to be made of the same type of cloth
This is what your headband should look like after not washing it.