Magical Marine Pixel Maritan

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Our drill sergeant is a girl? Lucky! Think again moron...

“Who is that? Who the fuck is that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here. Who just signed his own death warrant?”

~ Sergeant Maritan on Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

“God save America if she became a soldier! Oh... I'm God? Good luck in saving yourselves then.”

~ God on Sergeant Maritan

“This contains Magical Girls and Soldiers.”

~ Captain Obvious on Magical Marine Pixel Maritan


~ A REAL DRILL SERGEANT on Sergeant Maritan

“Negative Sir!”

~ Sergeant Maritan on A REAL DRILL SERGEANT

Magical Marine Pixel Maritan (Japanese: Magikaru Marinu Pixeru Maritan), is a series of books and audio cds that focus on teaching good manners and the engrish language to Japanese kids using drill sergeant "motivational" speak and cute anime girls, it is most likely ignored by them and is instead patronized by otaku from other countries that already know how to speak engrish or in this case, english (The parody language of engrish).

The books follow the days of Sergeant Maritan, a Drill Instructor for the U.S. Marines. In all actuality, Maritan is not american since she is actually a princess from the Magical Kingdom of Paris Island (Do not be fooled, Paris Island is still Japan aliased so that no one would know they so want to copy America), which has signed a treaty of co-operation and friendship with the Great United States of America after Obama's term ended. It also teaches the readers and listeners, mostly creepy otakus to swear like a U.S. Marine and in no way just circled on swearing the word FUCK repeatedly with no reason whatsoever. Did I mention that the word FUCK is the most spoken word in the series and that it is 90% of the books' content?


Because the only thing most researcher's could read about this holy tome of curses so far is the curse words themselves. It is still impossible to discern whether or not the whole series has a valid storyline or if it's just random comic strips about random stuff used to insert various U.S. Marine curse words.

But according to the most recent speculations, it was said that the story might indeed have a plot centered around how much Japanese people idolize Americans in secrecy going so far as to cosplay as soldiers and act like them, usually if they are drunk or just slightly dizzy after taking a hit from the butt of a rifle. This was theorized due to the first few pages of the books depicting Maritan sniffing up pot which was disguised like an anchor. The Queen herself, which is Maritan's mom and not your mom approves of this and proceeded on to call Maritan's friends to join her in her little pot session.

This was responsible for their delusions of being U.S. Marines and the readers would also be smoking as much pot the characters were smoking since they too believe the characters are in the military. In the most recent book, the new character Tinkle Alice introduced the joys of kitten huffing to the already high cast of characters. They were soon caught by the police and we're sent to a rehabilitation facility where they we're cured of their pot addiction for exactly 5 hours.


The books in the series are all presented in the same boring style. Wherein a comic strip is shown depicting NSFW porn scenes being imagined by the characters and then followed by a page which would then again be followed by a page. Which is boring since every page is followed by another page. There are also Artworks stashed in the exact center of the books which are often than not useless and non-educational pictures of real life U.S. Marines acting all sissy. After a few comic strips and explanation pages of the obscene engrish abomination sentences, a whole section of idiotic advertisements follow. This section of course covers about 55% of the whole book and contains as much useless crap advertisements like learning how to speak in english, but who wants to learn english in Japan? They're not that fond of parody languages since engrish is considered the international language preceding 1337 speak and Lolcat speak.

Each comic strip in the book has a corresponding audio soundtrack which the buying otaku geek could fap to japanese could listen to and mimic. The voice actresses playing the roles of the pot intoxicated characters are of course over-rated singers who gain masses of otaku fans who spend their money on nothing else except the cheap pictures and other merchandise of the anime characters they voice over.


  • Maritan: The 12 year old princess / magical girl / drill sergeant hailing from the magical kingdom of Paris island. Since Paris Island is named after Paris Hilton, she most likely sucks dicks. She's an absolute ass who likes to say the word fuck and is probably just another anime nutcase. She is the series' most active pot smoker and was the one who started all the military non-sense they were imagining thus giving birth to the books and audio cds. The books and audio cds were born May 15, 2005 at the Tokyo General Hospital. It was a ceasarean birth and she gave birth to 3 newly born books and audio cds. However, Maritan died exactly after giving birth at the old age of 12 and 2 months.

  • Navy-san: A dumb Blonde who does not know how to wear pants, skirts or any other form of lower clothing aside from wearing swimsuits underneath uniforms. It was said that she might originally come from Texas which she openly denied even under the influence of pot. She's also a closet otaku who has swimsuit fetish, a major flirt and is a very famous porn star. She has an illegal relationship with Army-san and is a long lost relative of Sailor Moon. After the series has ended, it was presumed she had her sex changed after getting out from rehabilitation and became Davy Jones.

  • Army-san: Is a pseudo-human/dog hybrid similar to the idiotic Inu Yasha and is the most abusable idiot in the series. She is not worth mentioning and would most likely be forgotten by the whole series' fanbase. Though she cosplays as the army of the United States of America, one might wonder why she is under Marine Command, but this was because they were under the influence of drugs. In the beginning she was just being forced to smoke pot but was soon addicted to it like there was no tomorrow and even got so far as to steal pot from Chuck Norris resulting to her being banged mercilessly behind a tank and then round-house kicked out from existence.

  • Jiei-tan: A generic loli moe character who wears glasses and has a stupid book tied to her back. People sometimes confuse this as a back pack but then you are stupid for not noticing it's a book. Among the main cast, she is the only one who refuses to take pot and has been punished by the pot intoxicated cast every time by chaining her up to a book. This isn't likely a good form of punishment since being chained to a book doesn't serve any good purpose at all unless you're a book worm and would cause you to have difficulty in trying to read the chained book. Among the cast whole cast of characters, she is the only one who could still recall being Japanese. She died in the end due to poor reception and lack of screen time.

Tinkle Alice.
  • Tinkle Alice: Is another of the cast's loli tsundere moe character who was just introduced on the third testament. She is often high from huffing kittens and was the one who introduced the hobby to the main cast. She is in all actuality the Alice from the children book "Alice in Wonderland" made by some pedophile named Lewis Caroll. Aside from being one of the session mates of Maritan and company she is also a stripper who has a minimum service fee of 50 cents and is patronized by 50 cent.

The Queen.
  • The Queen: The best example for good parenting. Even if her schedule is hectic upon ruling her kingdom down to the dogs, she still finds time to spend some quality pot time with her daughter. It was her who had influenced her once bad daughter to do good (Which is to smoke pot and take other drugs). She had a very painful past, living in a world free of alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and other globally accepted form leisure. She was saved from going the path down to hell when she found a magical syringe filled with heroin inside a suitcase dropped by a European tourist and allowed her to see illusions of being a U.S. Marine Drill Instructor preceding those delusions of her daughter.


The Full Metal Jacket Controversy[edit]

A long, long time ago in a third world country far, far away a movie was created parodying the series. It spun a huge web of controversy that only Spiderman was able to know how big it was judging from his size compared to other huge spiders. The original creators (or in this case, parents) of the book sued Stan lee Rubix, a renowned Film Director for stealing lines from the series. A trial ensued and the whole world was drawn to their televisions to witness what the world would later call as "the shortest court case to be televised worldwide ever". It was nine in the afternoon when the defendant arrived but it wasn't worth any mention to say what he did next.

The case took exactly less than 5 minutes to be judged and Stan Lee Rubix was sentenced to be hanged by the gallows. The news aired the cause of the hasty sentencing was because Stan Lee Rubix bribed the presiding judge by $1.99 and he did not like it, since Maritan's side bribed him with $1000 (It was a third world country, Money is Justice). Another factor leading to the defeat of Stan Lee Rubix' case is that the presiding judge was a fan of the Magical Marine series, thus the case wasn't a slight biased.


Genuine display of non-racism.

Being un-american, Sergeant Maritan is completely not another racist idiot who munches down on burgers after burgers and would not cook dinner at night and instead order pizza. She is asian and so does not have the right to be a racist bitch, but due to pictures of her saying the words, "I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. They are all equally worthless!" have spread throughout the internet like an uncontrollable forest fire, she was arrested and sent into trial. She was released shortly after, upon claims that she was taking pot when the picture was taken and the words on the speech bubble were all just put there by internet trolls and racists. Following the release of Sergeant Maritan on the dropped charges, internet users worldwide were arrested and sent into trial for framing the poor pot intoxicated magical girl.