Magictology

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“L. Ron? Pft. Obviously mine is the better religion. I have two initials.”

~ J.K. Rowling on Scientology

“Join my church instead! We have better music!”

Founded in 2006 by Harry Potter author, J.K. Rowling, The Church of Magictology is the fastest growing religion among both celebrities and basement-dwelling nerds. According to Rowling, her books are not fiction, but are in fact recordings handed to her from Potter--the Great Prophet himself. She also asserts that any literature that may resemble the beliefs of Magictology must be by great Magictologist Biographers, working under the influence of the religion, but unaware of it at the time.

Beliefs[edit]

According to Rowling, mankind is plagued by the ghosts of long-dead witches and wizards. The only way to cure the ailments that they cause is to purchase, distribute and absorb material related to the "Gospel of Potter", her seven-book series; this includes not just the Seven canon books, but any slash or fanfics that can be found on the web. Other works, considered "aprocryphal", include the "Tales of Hobbits and Rings", and "The Magical History of Earth, Vol. 1". Another ritual is worship of Dungeons & Dragons (referred to in the church as "The Holy Game"), Final Fantasy XI, and World of Warcraft. MMORPGs are seen as methods by which the message can be spread, while learning a little more about Magictology.

Keep in mind that all of the following stories are not fictional works, but are historically true.

Past Worlds[edit]

The hysterical story... The laughable tale... The history of Magictology actually begins millions of years before our earth even existed. This is, in fact, the fourth and final Earth in a series. There were three before and one perpendicular to it; including the Original Earth, called "Beginning Earth" to those of higher intellects.

Beginning Earth[edit]

In the beginning, there was no earth. Then a great wizard of origins unknown came along and sneezed. Thus the world was born. At that time, he also figured he should maybe make some creatures, and land features and whatnot. So it came to pass that before he went somewhere else, the Great Creator Wizard made all that would become mankind. The Earth is, in fact his iPod, and we are maintaining and storing files for him. Each incarnation of the planet is due in part to a change in musical taste, and in part to a completed upgrade.

The Great Wizard goes by the hacker alias Deus Ex Machina, and is sometimes called upon by bad authors to help them with a story.

"Magic Spells"[edit]

In order to keep Humanity under control, the Great Wizard installed some "Spells" to govern the way that people act towards their environment, each other, and in general. These were ways that he could keep his new people under control.

The Sentience Charm

Initially, the race that would become humanity was somewhat wimpy and needed an evolutionary "hand" to get them on top of the food chain--or at least off the bottom. One tribe of monkey-creatures encountered a tall, black object of unknown origins and materials. This "Monolith", when touched, enabled the ape-descendents to evolve forward and realize that they were better individuals than the next person. The first war started.

The Prometheus Spell

Also referred to as The Fire spell was first used by the Great Wizard to help humanity cook food not catch diseases. This was cast shortly after the setience charm, and humanity was still somewhat useless as a whole. Having fire enabled them to also create Flamethrowers; their next great invention, shortly before the Wheel.

The Minitrue Charm

Plagued with anachronisms, Rowling The Great Wizard needed to do something, and fast. Next he invented the Minitru Charm, which made humans accepting of anything someone in a position of authority told them. Thus, they believed that they were living on a round, spherical planet under a sky filled with stars, and that meteors were not, in fact, pocket lint from the Great Wizard. They also did not see the anachronism is inherent in flamethrowers being invented before the wheel nowhere... what anachronism? The Minitrue Charm quickly was denied, as having never existed.

Alevias

People initially could fly. Deus Ex did not like that, so he created what Newton would later call "Gravity", although he ddn't really know what it was. This spell couldn't be too weak, as was discovered after the first few generations of humans were crushed to death; the amusing side-effect of this weakness is that, if you attach toast to cats, they will float.

The Blue Sky Trick

Having clipped the wings, so to speak, of his people, The Great Creator decided that he should use the Minitrue Charm and create something that humans could look at and wonder about--what he would call "the sky". There is, in fact, no sky. It is merely a mass-induced hallicination, similar to the Matrix.

Middle Earth[edit]

During this phase of eArth's evolution, there was a land filled with elves, dwarves, hobbitses, and men. The great wizards of the time basically lounged around like stoners and occasionally thought about acquiring more power, or killing things, or going on a wild and crazy adventure. One of these wizards was named Gandalf, he was in the grey order. He was as powerful as he was kind, meaning that people sometimes beat the crap out of him.

The Dragon Cycle[edit]

Gandalf, at one point, chose to visit an old friend: a hobbit by the name of Ian Holm, Bilbo to his friends (future father of the minor wizard actor Zach Braff). Just outside of town he was mugged by several dwarves who, in lieu of taking his wallet, made him their leader on a quest to reclaim their home. These dwarves were squatting in a place up north--a small mountain cave--until the original tenant, a dragon by the name of Smaug, came along with an eviction notice and a lot of fire.

Bilbo tagged along with Gandalf and the dwarves mostly because he looked like a dwarf. Along the way, Bilbo caused more problems than he actually solved, and at one point met an ugly little man named Gollum. So, Bilbo's trapped in a cave with the sadistic Gollum, and in searching for an escape route Bilbo found a fish. The fish vomited a DVD horror movie, which Bilbo pocketed. It turned him invisible and allowed him to escape.

Here, witness Sauron clearly impersonating The Great Wizard.
The Ring Cycle[edit]

Years later (but still before the birth of Zach Braff), Bilbo's nephew Frodo Baggins the Whiney inherited Bilbo's home and the copy of The Ring, which Gandalf returned later to report must be destroyed before the present evil lord Sauron reclaimed it, and was able to spawn sequels off of it; the catch was: it could only be destroyed at the volcano the last scene was shot at.

This brings about a massive quest, the details of which are less important, but are fun to read sometimes. Basically, barring some orcs, humans gone bad, and wizard interference; Frodo and his "way hetero life-mate", Sam, reach the crack of Mount Doom, and cast the DVD and Gollum into the firey pit below. Sauron loses his power and everyone is happy.

Volcanic Creation[edit]

Just before the final touches to the upgrade were complete, Voldemort (somehow brought here by a weird timewarp), packaged all of the humans, frozen, into trucks which resemble (but are most certainly not) modern trash compactor trucks. He placed them around Mount Doom and caused it to blow up, using a large and powerful spell. The cryogenically preserved humans do not remember this, but would not have made the new upgrade due to the Great Wizard's Misanthropy. Unfortunately for Voldemort, a miscalculation in his power did not actually destroy the humans, but instead blew them into the next version of Earth, where they lived. Deus Bigalow was pissed off, and banished Voldemort to the Shadow Dimension.

Penultimate Earth[edit]

Sometimes called "The Middle Ages" by Muggle Historians, Penultimate Earth is just a really cool nickname for this Earth before what Magictologists call "The Firmware Updates", or what Historians call "Renaissance". A king, named Arthur spent most of his time trying to prevent his castle from being demolished to make way for a bypass. The turning point in his life was when Merlin came along, claiming to be an alien from somewhere in the vicinity of Beetlegeuse, and pointed out a sword trapped in a rock that he suggested Arthur use to win Kiera Knightley's heart and defeat the man who was trying to drive a bulldozer through his home (um. Voldemort made the bulldozer... Yeah!). As a result, Merlin helped Arthur to not only save his castle, but also to unite England against the romans and produce a really mediocre movie. A whole bunch of stuff happened, and Voldemort escaped back to End Earth, just in time for the end of Book 4.

Map of Narnia, according to Dr. Pevensie. Map courtesy of Magictologist cartographer, Harry Plotter.

Perpendicular Earth[edit]

Discovered originally in 1954 by Dr. Lucy Pevensie, Perpendicular Earth was a Perpendicular Universe similar to our own, except far more magically potent; it was apparently part of Earth Firmware Update 13.37. There are seven books about Perpendicular earth, most of them centered around a new Mage, a lion by the name of Aslan. The lion kinda walked around, breathing on things and roaring at people. Dr. Pevensie still asserts that he is "a wonderful person". At this time, Voldemort was running around in drag calling himself "The White Witch, Queen of Narnia". He was defeated, again, in a decisive battle against Aslan and his forces. The land healed itself from his freezing spells, Voldemort gave up on Perpendicular Earth, and the a few more people saw the land and had adventures. Aside from that, nothing else is important.

She was initially challenged by her siblings by her discovery. Her brother Edmund, was a Turkish Delight addict, who also visited the land of Narnia, and was seduced by The White Queen. Unconfirmed reports of pedophilia are almost certainly propaganda, spread by the Church. After Aslan sacrificed his life for Edmund's, he kicked the Turkish Habit. This move has often been compared to Jesus, but it's clear that the Christians are ripping off of the far superior religion.

J.K. Rowling's first Magictology book, in which the doctrine is established.

End Earth (Today)[edit]

As time has progressed, the firmware updates have gotten less and less sweeping. The upgrade from Penultimate to End Earth only really resulted in the world that we see today. Except for the Magical Wizarding Underground (MWU), Deus decided that the world would be better off not knowing about magic as a whole.

He Who Must Not Be Named versus the Great Prophet[edit]

Chronicled by Rowling, the Great Prophet--sometimes also called "the Boy who Lived"--was raised outside of the Magical underworld by wild "muggles" (as they are called by members of the Church of Magictology). Somehow, he defeated Voldemort, causing the time warp that sent him back in time to hang out with Sauron. After giving him some bad advice about rings, Voldemort left to start gathering the dump trucks which he believed would help get him back to End Earth before the end of Book 4.

Just before the birth of Harry Potter, the dark wizard Voldemort was gaining power. He had decided that everything the Creator had stood for was stupid and ugly, and that he was way cooler. So, he started trying to create a following in order to overcome the Creator's power. He started going around killing people who would oppose him. No one is really clear what he is trying to accomplish. Harry's mom did something to him, and Voldemort couldn't kill him, and instead was launched back in time to Middle Earth, where he chilled with Sauron.

Harry had all kinds of adventures, Voldemort returned at the end of book four, and Dumbledore dies at the end of book six.

Neo-Earth[edit]

Rumors have begun to float about the final upgrade, what will be called Neo-Earth. Generations have come and gone, and a few of them even started to think they were pretty neat. However, it's clear that the analog style that is used on Earth thus far is fairly outmoded. Machina plans to create a digital world for the final upgrade. He will run the system with machines, and have all of Humanity plugged into a virtual reality simulation of the world; a "matrix" of people, if you will. It is believed that at this point, all good people will be given access to what remains of the real world, and all the bad will be permanently stuck in the virtual realm.

Morality[edit]

There are two aspects that determined the morality of Magictologists in the past: Their selected Order and their use of light or dark spells.

There is light and dark magic. Magictology states that black magic is bad, and those using white magic are good. Magictology is considered racist as a result, although they are working to change their image and increase the minority believership. The other aspect, Order, refers to the magician that each person claims to follow. These orders are discussed more in detail below.

For those who are not able to use magic yet, "white magic" often becomes more of a symbolic act of doing good deeds for people; conversely, wicked deeds are "black". Some good deeds include: holding the door open for the person behind you; blessing someone who sneezes; and playing The Holy Game. Some black actions are: kicking puppies, huffing kittens, and Wiki-Vandalism. Repeat offenders are branded Death Eater by the church (see below), and are shunned. Many of these so-called "heretics" are often rather confused. Mostly because they were mislead by someone (The Church takes a lot of credit for proving, once again, that vandals are stupid).

Magictologists Today[edit]

Levels[edit]

Each member has a level of their status in the religion. As they pay more money, purchase and disseminate more works, and write more fanfics, their level increases. As your level increases, more material is available to you, and more secrets of the religion are revealed. These levels are of extreme importance. Anyone who tries to exceed their level without the proper contribution, eventually turns into a Death Eater (See Order of Voldemort below).

The Orders of Magictology[edit]

When you join the Church of Magictology, there are several orders, each named for a powerful, dead magician. Selecting an order is arbitrary an important decision. The meaning of each order is as old, powerful and mysterious as the magician himself.

Order of Deus[edit]

Alignment - Far Good.

Claiming to be the oldest branch of Magictology, the Order of Deus Ex Machina is decidedly the most musical. Trying to please the Creator Wizard by filling his enormous iPod with music. Currently, the wizard is spending most of his time with his eight daughters, the Muses (not like the ones in Geek mythology), and helping authors to write their characters out of corners. He created the world for his personal benefit, and to date is richer than even Bill Gates.

  • They rate in the "very good" scale, because their leader created the world. His followers are also rich, and often of higher levels as a result.

Order of Gandalf[edit]

Alignment - Okay.

Mostly through its cavorting with Hobbits and Dwarves, the Order of Gandalf is home to the majority of Magictology's minorities. Midgets, blacks, gays and dwarves are all followers of Gandalf, mostly because they all think he might be one of them in disguse. They are also often prone to Memory charms, and Belief-Altering spells.

  • Gandalf is considered only "okay" because of his tolerance of other races and acceptance of others, but not because of his his magical ineptitude.

Order of Merlin[edit]

Alignment - Not so Good

After Voldemort returned to End Earth, Merlin followed him through the timewarp. Relying only on his skill with the blade and his magic spells, he opened a small shop of Mystical Wonders. He currently spends most of his time torturing the townspeople and claiming that it's for their own good. Generally, his followers are kind-hearted sadists--people like The Jigsaw Killer--who try to help people gain respect for life by almost killing them.

  • They are considered "not so good" because they have a moral code, even if it's a little screwed up.

Order of Aslan[edit]

Alignment - Good

Aslan is the Lion-wizard of Perpendicular Earth, he is powerful, just and good. Practices mostly healing magic, and helps people. His followers are a kind-hearted group, mostly tree-huggers, who are self-sacrificing and considerate of others. Some have compared Aslan and his followers to Jesus and Christianity, but it's clear that they're not at all related. Aslan's self-sacrifice for the Turkish Delight-loving boy was inspired purely by Magictology.

  • Aslan's followers are considered merely "Good" because he is an animal, and is considered by some to not be a real wizard, but only a Familiar. They are also often poor, having contributed most of their money to the needs of others. His followers are obviously upset by this, but can not change this lest they turn into Death Eaters.

Order of Dumbledore[edit]

Alignment - Very Good

Dumbledore died in book 6, making him a martyr for the religion. A powerful, kind hearted, and fairly well-off wizard. He is surpassed in glory only by the Great Creator. He left his school, Hogwarts to the Chuch of Magictology, who are planning to convert it into an official site of worship, where they will be free from Muggle persecution. His followers are almost like those in The Order of Deus Ex Machina, except that his followers have a fixation on candy.

  • He is considered Very Good because not only has he never been on Santa's naughty list, he also was killed by Snape, a follower of Voldemort.

Order of Sauron[edit]

Alignment - Very Bad

The fairly flamboyant Lord of the Dance, Sauron is known for an unquenchable lust for jewellery and women's clothing. He filmed The Ring in secret, so that he could control the people of Middle Earth, due to their fear of being eaten by ghosts from their TVs. The Master DVD also allowed the bearer to become invisible at the price of giving them a nasty cough, mild dementia, and male pattern baldness. The War of the Ring was also caused by him, after he was defeated by blond-haired, blue-eyed men in masculine armor (Sauron was dressed in the finest evening dress at the time).

  • His followers often participate in cross-dressing, and while Voldemort himself was a follower of Sauron's briefly, the student surpassed the master in power and villainy; earning Sauron the rank of "Very Bad", but not worse.

Order of Voldemort[edit]

Alignment - Far Bad

Followers of Voldemort are called "Death Eaters" and are shunned by the church more than minorities and Emo kids. No other information is available to anyone less than a level 15 Magictologist. All worshippers of Voldemort are given the level X, as they cannot become more powerful in the religion.

  • Voldemort caused so much evil, that his name is not even to be used, and followers of him must practice in secret.

Opinions on Medicine[edit]

Magictologists believe that all ailments can be cured by simply waving a small wooden stick and shouting some word in an almost latin-based dialect. They do not, therefore, believe in Doctors, Psychology, or Freud; medicine is prohibited, even if a patient is terminal. Hospitals are rarely used, except for birthing.

They also believe that birth is a magical event, and that it should be attended by elves, woodland creatures, and anyone who will come and watch. Magictologists are often seen in maternity wards dragging unwilling witnesses into the most crowded rooms in the hospitals. Some hospitals are considering building birthing auditoriums. The crowd is expected to watch in a reverent silence as the procedure progresses. The mother, too, is expected to be silent, so that no magic is accidentally consumed by the mother. This expectation is very rarely carried out, especially with the prohibition on medicine.

Famous Magictologists[edit]

“The best way to make a million dollars is to start a religion.”

~ L. Ron Hubbard on philosophy
  • J.K. Rowling (Level 2409 - OOC, OOM, OOA, OOD)
  • Cher (Level 9 - OOC)
  • Dr. Lucy Pevensie (Level 13 - OOA)
  • Sir Edmund Pevensie (Level 12 - OOA convert)
  • Peter Jackson (level 7 - OOG)
  • Ian Holm (Level 9 - OOG)
  • The Jigsaw Killer (level 6 - OOM)
  • The "Insane Jester" (level X - OOV) (a vandal, signed up for the free t-shirts)
  • Herb who was here (level X - OOV)
  • User:Ipend (level X - OOV) (another vandal gone awry)
  • Squidman(level 1 - OOS) (came for the food)
  • Aleister Crowley(level X-OOV)
Disclaimer
Any similarity between these beliefs and works of other writers, dead or alive is purely coincidental and unintentional. Plagiarism is considered Black Magic by the Church of Magictology, and all thieves are Death Eaters. Additionally, those authors were operating for the good of Magictology, but were unaware of it at the time.