Magomed Vitargov

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Magomed Jesus Jar Jar Barbara Streisand ekki F'tang Ultra Magnus Agent 47 Vitargov (Born 1743 on the Moon) is a Shepherd/Blacksmith/Strongman/Professor/Ex-Guerrilla Leader/Serial Killer/Superhero/Receptionist/Barber/Revolutionist currently living in Sweden. Due to his keen intellect, and vast knowledge about almost anything, he can be a little difficult to understand at times. He also wears funny glasses. Nonetheless, he is a respectable intern at Tranemo Gymnasieskola, and one of the secret frontmen of Akatsuki.

Magomed, possibly possessed by the devil, is here seen in his natural environment. Notice the peculiarly shaped reflection of the sun on his back.

Early Years[edit]

A trait about Magomed Vitargov is, that unlike the average man, he is actually countable. During World War 2 Albert Einstein was working on a special formula to mutate Wombats in order to destroy the Japs, when he accidentally stumbled upon the solution to The Magomed Vitargov:

Unfortunately, the doctor realized the fatal mistake when it was already too late. The Magomed leaped out of the lab and punched through the six foot thick concrete wall with his bare hand!!! before leaving the premises.

The Magomed then traveled far and wide through the forests of the world, and it would not be until several years later that he would cross paths with Treebeard They shared the same deep understanding for nature and they soon began a profitable cooperation, especially for The Magomed. Due to his natural gifts in maths and economy, he soon stood as he sole ruler of Fangorn, earning him a solid spot on Forbes 100 Most influential people-list, next to names such as Bruce Willis and The Cookie Monster. After a while (without emphasis on the h), however, the Magomed grew tired of the constant tease of being the number one being in Fangorn. A cold morning in January 1967, he fled, leaving the now flourishing land of Fangorn in the hands of Treebeard.

This picture has nothing to do with the Magomed.

At the age of eleven, young Samuel L Jackson met with the would be blacksmith/serial killer/strongman/farmer Magomed Vitargov. The two spent some time together and developed a common interrest in bullying fat people, before separating in high school; Yoda had heard the rumour of an apparent madman living in his hometown. He made Jackson confront Magomed in a grand battle of the mightiest where Jackson wounded Magomed by throwing a Tasty Burger (which it really was) in Magomeds left eye. Magomed decided not to continue the battle with his friend and said a hasty goodbye, before throwing a snake at Jackson and dissapearing in a bright flash of light.

In 1978, The Magomed began working on a project called Weapon X, with William Stryker as his accomplice. The two fixed eyes on the long retired mutant Wolverine, and decided to operate on him. The latter is but history. The Magomed left the project after Wolverine had gone apeshit, and Stryker had gotten his ass handed to him.

The following year, Magomed attended his own training program, which involved carrying wristweights all day long. He started out with petty weights of only 230lbs per wrist. But as the time passed, he turned up the heat and in december of 1979, he used 500lbs weights. No, it is not a joke.

Time Machine, part one[edit]

1983, The Magomed scoured the wastelands of Nevada, when he accidentally found a bona fide time machine(tm). Unfortunately, he decided to take his daily (dirt) nap in the thingy, and when he woke up, he found himself back in Europe during World War 2. At the very D-day, nonetheless. Even more unfortunately, the Area the time machine had selected for him just happened to be the shore of Normandy[1]. Next thing he knew, Magomed was hit in the forehead by a missile launched by the US troops, who had just ascended and quickly started advancing on all fronts. Magomed shrugged silently, putting on his very most serious face. The [US Marine] who had hit him thought that he had simply missed the strange target, and started to reload. Faster than he could even fathom, the Magomed used Sonido to appear behind the poor bastard and RIPPED HIS BODY TO SHREDS!!!, before moving on to deal with the rest of the nuisance. The army of the third Reich already had a hard time fighting the Americans, and dealing with the unfathomable power of Magomed at the same time became too much. But in the heat of battle, just as Magomed was about to finish off a large platoon of fleeing pussy ass Germans, when he realized that somewhere in the world at the present time, HE must exist! After deliberating with himself, Magomed decided that there can be only one Magomed per century, or the world would suffer significant mental as well as physical damage, and made his way back to the time machine, again using Sonido.

Time Machine, part two[edit]

The second Magomed entered the machine he fell into a deep slumber, and was not even awaken when Ty Pennington entered the Machine armed to the teeth with his notorious megaphone. Since the Magomed is known world wide for his ability to sleep through most anything, he managed to miss his own time by a grain, instead waking up in 2015, in Gothenburg, Sweden. The Magomed instantly recognized the town and traveled from there to Tranemo, to attend some unfinished business. Said Gattami had just finished not remembering any male student's name, and was just about to call it a day. He hung the trendy hood he used to wear to look slightly more hip on the chair's armrest when suddenly, out of nowhere, Magomed showed up, decapitated the man with a homemade baseball bat in less than one millisecond.

Playing soccer and meeting the Wendigo[edit]

The Magomed then took some part-time jobs. For instance, he was a shepherd in Afghanistan for some years. He quit, however, after eating all the sheep. He traveled to India and became a professional blind football player. After ten successful years with the IY (Indian Yankees) he decided to travel to eastern Europe, to seek out the true nature of one of his childhood idols: Count Dracula. The Magomed stole a bike and made it all the way to Kazakhstan, where he encountered an Arabian Wendigo, standing 125 feet tall. The Magomed engaged the gargantous creature in a fistfight to death which lasted twenty seven days. On the dawn of the twenty eighth day, the Magomed bit the wendigo in the nose, resulting in the creature slowly bleeding to death. The Magomed quickly skinned the dead monstrosity and made a trendy coat out of the fur. Since the Wendigo's fur is impervious, the Magomed now had the ultimate armor, if the old Count was going to get cozy.

Magomed taking on the Wendigo in a fistfight to the death.

regrettably, The Magomed never made it all the way to Transylvania, or suffice it to say, he missed it. Since the Magomed has the power of 1337biking, he can actually ride any bike at ten times the speed of sound. He instead ended up in the deep forests of Madison, Kentucky, where he met the legendary Rocky Balboa whom he KILLED IN COLD BLOOD for running around naked. He actually does that in the book. Soon after, he was compromised by the national guard, and their faggot frontman William Teasle. He divided back and forth with himself for one second, and then decided that a dragon should not bother with crushing ants.

Settling down, sorta[edit]

The Magomed was now tired of all the ruckus constantly going on around him. He thought of settling down, getting a house, a cat, no, a rhino, and maybe digging a lake to swim in. And so he did. He settled peacefully in the town of Tranemo, Sweden, where he started making connections at once, He immediately established what would later be known as Akatsuki, the worlds most feared gathering of ninja-assassins, together with Uchiha Madara, and eventually took over the towns underground activities. Madara and he started to educate young students in the art of ninjutsu, but had to abruptly discard the training because of a horrific accident where The Magomed sucked out the eyes through the nose of an innocent student, in order to demonstrate the effectiveness of that particular technique (The megaboogysucker). The Parent association did not approve.

Instead, the two men started sending provocative mails to the guerrilla leaders of Limmared, causing a full scale war within months. The war lasted for several years, and hundreds of lives where lost. The Magomed and Uchiha Madara, pursued by countless Limmared inhabitants, retreated up the bergsåsbacke and remained hidden for some time.

The Diner[edit]

In the fall of 2007, after resetting the time machine to present time, Magomed came down from the hill and decided to start a different battle. Magomed had always despised the school diner and everything associated with it. He made up his masterplan: Disguised as a student, he would from that day on visit the school diner once a day, eating all the food there was until the school could no longer provide the funds for more despicable food! Magomed easily infiltrated the school by hacking the principals computer, adding himself as a freshmen student. The randomly selected class just happened to be Sp07, one of the more advanced courses the school had to offer. Magomed found himself fitting right in with the rest of the class, even earning himself a few nicknames: Armagomed, Magma, or simply Armageddon. He liked it.

Since Magomed does have an infinite stomach, the plan with the school diner went as expected, eventually causing the Financial Crisis of 2007-2009. Once again, the parent association did not approve.

Feud with fellow student and Gerard Butler[edit]

Recently, reports have suggested that Magomed is in feud with fellow student Tobias Alström, due to the latter supposebly laughed at him in class. Magomed have given out a warning, threatening to kill Alström if the incident ever occured again. September second, Alström was seen behind the local Pizzeria Midway, buying heavy armament. This would however prove to be futile, since Magomed had already hired all the muscle necessary to dispatch of him. At the annual event Tranemodagarna Alström was brutally attacked by Magomeds thugs, and was allmost killed in the following shootout. Fortunatley, local hockey legend Felix Gärdelöv and Wannabe-police officer Gerard Butler stepped in and saved the day, and the three could flee the battlefield with only minor injuries. Unbeknownst to all of them, however, Magomed had watched the whole event from the Pangea Pizzeria, and was already plotting his revenge against Gärdelöv and Butler

The case of the Magomed is still being investigated by the FBI, but rumor has it that he nowadays spends his time as a professional killer, due to his vast physical strength and sharpened senses given to him by Einstein. He was last seen in Jönköping, throwing a car at an infant, presumably because the bastard looked him directly in the eyes.

Quotes of Magomed[edit]

"I'll Kill you" - To Daniel Andersson, because the latter laughed at him for obviously playing games at history class.

"I don't know if this is correct, but still." - Magomed on almost anything.

"JESUS!" - Magomed when he finds something being stupid


  • The world food problem is actually the cause of Magomed's ferocious eating when in his youth. As a resident of the superpoor country of Mali, he ate all of the lands resources to the point when he had to escape the country.
  • One time he allegedly ate all the food the school diner had to offer.
  • In 1986, Magomed became the first man ever to hack the Pentagon.
  • Magomed Vitargov eats twenty six times his own bodyweight every day. Magomed weighs 573lbs.