“I have yet to come across anything other than base peasants complaining of arse-chafe in this retrograde outhouse.”
“If you cut all its legs off, would it fit into a medium sized Tupperware box?”
Maidstone, otherwise known as The Stone or Meconium XXVI is home to Thomas the Tank Engine and Faggot Nose-Bag Jefferson. Its once proud inhabitants now comprise disenchanted Poles, Albanians, Turks, Muzzlers and great deal of Thick Pikies with crap jobs and nothing to do or to live for apart from get lagged on a Friday night. It is situated in the heart of Kent, a region which while boasts negative unemployment and the world's largest horse, suffers from acute teenage pregnancy, LIQS (low IQ syndrome) and other social problems such as diarrohea.
Maidstone was formerly part of the USSR and until the fall of communism last year enjoyed the privileges of Shite Communist Architecture. Prior to Russia's invasion of England, a fire started by Dutch Communist Marinus Van der Lubbe in Brenchley Gardens actually savaged all the nice buildings in Maidstone meaning that nowadays it contains nothing of any interest whatsoever.
On a scale of 1 to homosexual, Maidstone lies due East.
Maidstone is actually an acronym. It stands for Mongrel Arsed Idiot Dog Showing Testicles Ondulating Niggardly Eastwards. This surprisng conflation of words stems from the town's major pastime of Nordic Walking.
The denonym for someone from Maidstone is a cock.
"History is bunk" somebody once said. The French moron Voltaire considered history to be "made up of a series of imaginative inventions" and equally oikish Derrida hailed it an "unnattainable haunting spectre". On the contrary, the history of Maidstone is quite simple. Notable historian Dave Benson Philips in his tour de force "The evolution of the British town from the point of view of an arsehole" describes it thus: "Flummery, rigmarole, fiddle-faddle, flapdoodle, kibosh, gibber-jabber, twaddle, twattle, blather, prattle"
On Tuesdays there is a market in a multi-story carpark which dates back over 10,000 years and was started by a mongrel peasant known as William Hazhaemorroidslitt who later went on to found all the schools in Maidstone apart from Maplestone Noakes, Valley Park and the other one full of pike-chavs. Some years ago, William and his mate Twatt Tyler started up a rock group called LOG607 and had a hit single called Free porn. It is still talked about to this very day in a popular drinking arse-whole run by paedophiles called The Thirsty Pigdog.
For an idea of the cuisine typically found in Maidstone, try this well known recipe -
If all waffles are measured in units of 'waffles'
(i) How many waffles can 7 waffles fit, if 3 are 1 waffle short of a complete 'unit' (one 'unit' being half the amount of waffles, 3 waffles could fit into a 'waffle'?
(ii) What if Uzbekista and Janet bought gravy instead of syrup?
The most popular habit of the cocks that live in Maidstone is to get the lags in at the weekend and then try and bruce up a girl. If this fails, quasi-tribal and highly ritualistic violence ensues in the form of bellowing, garbling, warbling and passing wind as loudly as possible without following through.
Apart from drinking 20 pints and browning up your pants, as another way to attract women, men regularly remove their clothing and barge into each other in one of the two Weatherspoons pubs or many of the awful clubs such as The Loft. Often dismissed as gay, this practice known as Brownian Motion is largely overlooked and has striking similarities to Bull Fighting. It can also work in tandem with Nordic Walking to produce Calcium Hydroxide. In Layman's terms, this viscous substance forms part of the building blocs used to make Lego building blocs. Bloc Party.
The people of Maidstone are renowned for their love of ugly dogs. Of course, as previously discussed Maidstone was founded by a dog and anyone unlucky enough to go there will see thousands of the dirty little blighters all over the place.
Approximately 13 dog years ago, a movement initiated by Maidstone born Roger Rectum fought vehemently for the protection of right handed dog's rights. Thankfully, his small army of dogs was crushed by a ridiculous giant left butt-cheeked horse somewhere just off the M25. The horse, who was called Brian, suffocated the disgusting mongrels with an immensely powerful fart that tore his poor guts out. The subsequent fall-out left the dogs for dead and to commemorate the acts of that Sunday afternoon, BBC's the Antiques Roadshow came to Maidstone to build a statue and pay for the construction of a tall phallic object by the River Medway. Then everyone watched Top Gear.
Notable celebrities from Maidstone include:
Dave Benson Philps
Maidstone is ensconced in a vast bucolic valley, which when turned upsidedown and then rotated 180 degrees rather resembles a giant anus aperture. Nestled deep within the garden of England (which produces 80% of the world's fruit principally imported to the wealthy Banana Republics), produce such as the piney apricot and the hairy ballbag abound. In addition, the delicious egg-fruit is found in the forest of Grove Green Tesco.
Maidstone prides itself on its array of sporting achievemnts; Quidditch, and the Gallic sport Bruce, analogous to Fencing or Snooker are amongst the most popular. The sporting emblem of Maidstone is the Canadian Ratdog, not to be confused with the deadly Grasshopper Mouse. Yearly, Maidstone hosts a Javelin competition with a slight twist. Unlike in the Olympic Games or the Paralympics, the object of the game is not to launch a sharp stick at your Russian or French oponent, but to perform the most exciting run up. A team of judges made up of complete idiots who care about animals and the environment award marks out of 10 for the categories Damage, Style, Control and Agression. A good tactic is to scream like a girl and let down your pants just before shooting your load. Craig David has won this prestigious award over 17 times.
"Education, Education, Education" were the words of Tony Blair after his flacid 1997 general erection victory. Rose tinted testicles aside, the Nazi-communist plot at the heart of the Labour Party which portended the relinquisihng of Maidstone and the surrounding area to Russia had harrowing consequences for today's Maidstone inhabitants. Astonishingly, only one in five of can lay claim to the "Wayne Rooney Potato Head Literacy and Numeracy Accrediation Standard".
Maidstone is the home town of the world's worst university - KIAD or the UCCA as it is now known. When you put these two friendly insets together, you get KIADUCCA, which is a type of lemon barley squash. You can't study anything in Maidstone University, although there are classes on Lag and Bruce. Most of the students are complete retards or foreigns.