Malcolm X

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“I hate every drop of white rapist's blood that's in me.”

~ Malcolm X on his racial tolerance

“ Get your hand out of my pocket.”

~ Alex Wilkes

“I'm a rapper too. SUCK A DICK BITCHES!!!!!”

“Ah, Malcolm X takes me back to the days when I was still with Collin. Man he was a great fellow, Collin, not only was he good at oily massage, he was also--Wait, what are we talking about again?”

~ Robert Mugabe on Who knows what the fuck he's talking about?
Mr. X

Pope Malcolm X (1468 BCE - 2683 CE) was the last and most famous of a line of Malcolms stretching back ten generations into prehistoric times, previously owned by Microsoft, then spun off to Google and auctioned on eBay, eBay is wholly owned and operated by Malcolm X. X was not as popular as his alter ego Martin Luther King, but old Malcolm did father the first black president of the U.S., so hey, you've got to give him that. The "X" signifies variable first name, Malcolm was his screen name, his real name remains confidential as protected by the nondisclosure agreement honestly maintained by Enron. Well-known as the leader and chief confusion-maker of the X-Men, he was an amazingly prolific inventor, entremaneur, rabble-rouser, and back door man. He starred in the hit sitcom on FOX, "Malcolm X in the Middle". He was directly or indirectly responsible for a host of modern marvels:

KU KLUX KLAN: While in his younger days, at the young age of 72, Malcom X was the founding member of the Ku Klux Klan. He went home one day and looked in the mirror, and realized he was indeed black; he divorced his wife for sleeping with a black man, his wife responded...."Ruf!!!!"

  • Research he conducted on the heat-generating capacity of angry young black men was instrumental in developing Black Power, an alternative-energy source popular in the late 1960's. Unfortunately, the regulating devices were primitive, and Black Power soon gained a reputation for explosiveness.
  • Designed a line of apparel including snazzy hats with his signature (a big 'X') on the front
  • Developed a series of sensitive instruments capable of detecting hidden things and marking the spot where they were concealed.
  • Issued the first rulebook for Tic-Tac-Toe.
  • Discovered X-Rays
  • Invented ballots
  • Fathered Barack Obama
  • Wrote the movie script for the movie "Madagascar:Escape to Africa"
  • Developed a windowing framework for UNIX
  • Was the Senior car dryer at the In & Out Car wash in Detroit.
  • Lead singer and theramin player for the straightedge hardcore punk bands Project X, Monster X, Emperor X, Emperor, X, X The Eliminator, The ex, Jud Jud, Killed in the Face and Fugazi.
  • Invented Xmas
  • Created an owl character in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe
  • Discovered the X Chromosome
  • Invented the original Xbox but never had it mass-produced. It's blueprints were later discovered by Microsoft in late 1627.
  • Also known as Malcolm Sex or Malcolm SeX due to his incredible womanising
  • In his bioflick, young Malcolm was played by Wayne Brady and older Malcolm was played by Bryant Gumbel

At the age of 69 he reportedly stole a bike and was subsequently chased by a white man yelling, “That nigger stole my bike!” This is thought to be his inspiration for starting the Black Power movement.

His predecessors include Malcolm I through IX, each precede with junior, senior, and freshman.


Proof that X, in fact, was a cast member of Clerks. Was he Dante? The pointless speculation starts here!

Other Malcolms In the Line[edit]

I am the walrus was originally written by James Duplain and George Harnwell, recently covered by the Beatles and Oasis, it goes: I AM THE EGGMAN (WOOOO) OH THEY ARE THE EGGMEN (WOOOO) I AM THE WALRUS (KU KU KA CHOO)

Malcolm XIII[edit]

Born at 13:13 on Friday the 13th of Smarch, 1313, Malcolm XIII tragically died at 13:13 on his 13th birthday, also Friday the 13th, as the only casualty of Apollo 13. He died 13 hours and 13 minutes into the flight, which apparently must have left at midnight on the 12th of Smarch 1326. A prolific hater of Jews, Malcolm XIII was perhaps best known for being the thirteenth person at the dinner party of noted Jew Jesus Christ, which was held on Friday the 13th of Smarch in the year 13AD. Malcolm XIII betrayed Jesus Christ by pointing him out to the Romans, an act for which he received thirteen gold pieces, with which he bought Betamaxes of the film Friday the 13th and its twelve sequels.

Malcolm XII[edit]

THAT NIGGER STOLE MY LUNCH also know for the famous quote " That bitch stole my fish"

Malcolm VIII[edit]

I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am, by Herman's Hermits, was huge in Japan. Malcolm VIII's success never equalled that of the people who covered his music.

Minor Do-Wop singer/songwriter who never quite achieved lasting fame. His eponymous song I Be Malcolm VIII was later covered by Herman’s Hermits as I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am and became a huge hit in Japan.

Malcolm VII[edit]

An underwater demolitions expert with the US Navy SEALS, Malcolm VII was killed in a freak accident involving an explosive walrus, details of which are still classified, though some Lost fans speculate that it has something to do with the Hatch and/or the Polar bears.

Malcolm VI[edit]

Following in the tradition of his father Malcolm V, Malcolm VI also became an actor, receiving an Academy Award nomination for his portrayal of Steve Urkel in the biopic Steve Urkel, Man Of Action.

Malcolm VI was known as Malcolm III in the US. The actual Malcolm III is now known as Malcolm IIIj.

Malcolm V[edit]

Successful actor who starred in the hit television series Malcolm in the Middle. Also, known as a devotee of the Spaghetti Monsterist religion.

Malcolm IV[edit]

The first shoulder patches from Malcolm IV's Uterine Emergency Team carried this design.

Intending to run away and join the circus, young Malcolm IV fell in with a group of itinerant surgeons instead and became a First Response Gynecologist. His Uterine Emergency Team would later evolve into the FDNY Paramedic Unit and be immortalized on television by Randolph Mantooth and Kevin Tighe in the series Emergency!.

Because Malcolm II and Malcolm III were never released in the United States, Malcolm IV was known as Malcolm II there. Malcolm II proper is now known as Malcolm IIj.

Malcolm Π[edit]

When irrational numbers were the new craze the Malcolm line decided to jump on board. Malcolm III decided, possibly in his Saran Wrapped craze, that his son should be named after the infamous number pi. In an unfortunate pie shop incident he was killed; it is believed that he haunts the halls of the pie shop to this day. However, now it is an adult toy shop...

After the unfortunate death of Malcolm Π, Malcolm IV was born with no knowledge that his older brother ever existed.

Malcolm III[edit]

Known only through his birth certificate and a hastily scribbled entry in a family Bible, Malcolm III is believed to have been born inside-out, surviving into adulthood thanks to a quick-thinking midwife who wrapped his little body in Saran Wrap to prevent evaporation.

Malcolm II[edit]

Born in 1695, Malcolm II was a Royal Good Luck Charm for Catherine the Great of Russia, who rubbed his head for luck during her frequent Kremlin crap games. Cannon balls were in Russia actually moulds of his head, as his head was round, bald and smooth.

Malcolm Y[edit]

Because X is a white man's letter.

Malcolm I[edit]

A Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, Malcolm I would not Let His People Go. Eventually they tired of him, kicked his ass, and went anyway.

Malcolm in the Middle[edit]

Malcolm in the Middle didn't have a number by his name because the number 0 was not invented in his time. He got away with it anyway. There is a persistent fan rumor that Malcolm X and Malcolm are one and the same, which makes no sense given that they are physically and mentally only vaguely similar, and genetically only 99.8% identical.

Malcom X-Trail[edit]

Started by the motor company Nissan the Maclom X-Trail project was founded to design a 4X4 for the black men of the world, it had to survive drive buys and trips to KFC. Nissan plan to release the Nissan Malcom X-Trail early 2009.

Malcom Credit X-pert[edit]

After deciding that black people wernt getting the same deal on their trust funds Bail money as crackers he decided to set up his own Negrocentric credit advice center. Black people dont use money so this ultimately failed.

See Also[edit]