Mamie Eisenhower

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo8.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Mamie Eisenhower.

“I loved having her famous million dollar "butt fudge" on my genitals...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mamie Eisenhower

Mamie Tiffany Pitstains-Eisenhower (November 14, 1896 – November 1, 1979) was the wife of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, and First Lady of the United States from 1953 to 1961.

Early life[edit]

Born in Cornfield, Iowa, the daughter of Beavis Pitstains, a meat packer/butt pirate, and Susan Stepford, Mamie grew up in relative comfort in Corn Flakes, Iowa. Her father retired at age 26 after making a fortune in the gay porn industry. She and her ten sisters grew up in large homes with several servants.

Marriage and family[edit]

After completing her education at Miss Courtney Love's finishing school she met Dwight Eisenhower at a key party in October 1915. Introduced by Mrs. Butterworth, wife of the Quaker Oats guy, the two smacked each other around a bit then Eisenhower (a military officer) invited Miss Pitstains to ride his dick. Eisenhower found her juicy, hot, and sassy. Because of Eisenhower's shitty salary, they went on cheap dates, consisting usually of a Taco Bell dinner and a negro lynching or a minstrel show. On Valentine's Day in 1916 he gave her herpes to seal a formal engagement.

Lieutenant Dwight D. Eisenhower, aged 125, married Mamie Pitstains, aged 19, on July 4, 1916, at a NASCAR race in Biloxi, Mississippi. Following the wedding, performed by Reverend Jesse Jackson the newlyweds honeymooned a couple days at Charles Manson's house in California and then visited Dwight's parents at Pelican Bay Prison. They then moved into a trashy trailer park in Houston, Texas.

The Eisenhowers had two children (only one lived to maturity):

  • Sticky "Icky" Dwight Eisenhower (1917 – 1919) - died of being shaken to death by a drunken Mamie.
  • Tupac Pitstains Eisenhower (born in 1922) – stewardess, pool boy, and rapper. Born in Rocky Mountain High, Colorado.

For years, Mamie Eisenhower's life followed the pattern of other Army wives: a daily beating from her husband, get drunk before noon, get high on Prozac, watch Oprah, then watch Judge Judy, have an affair with the paper boy, fix some Hamburger Helper for dinner, smoke some weed, stop her husband from committing suicide, beat the kids until they fall asleep, then let her husband rape her before bed.

During World War II, while promotion and fame came to "Ike" while in Europe, his wife lived in New York City fucking soldiers and sailors who were on leave and letting little boys stuff rolls of pennies up her vagina. After Ike became a cocaine dealer in 1948, the Eisenhowers purchased a big whore house in Pennsylvania. It was the first home they had ever owned other than a trailer.

First Lady of the United States[edit]

Dwight Eisenhower was elected President of the United States in 1952. The Eisenhowers celebrated their first night in the White House with a housewarming orgy with the staff. The Eisenhowers entertained an unprecedented number of dictators and leaders of governments with funny looking clothing just so they could laugh at them for being poor. As First Lady, her whorish manner, her love of buying expensive clothes with American tax dollars (some of them designed by some gay dude), her love of blood diamond jewelry, and her obvious pride in being richer than many Americans made her a very happy First Lady.

As First Lady, Mamie was a bossy hostess and carefully guarded her possessions from being stolen by the White House staff (most of whom were blacks and Mexicans of course). A well known drunk, Mrs. Eisenhower would stumble around the White House and puke on many of the priceless paintings of the former Presidents. By 4:00 in the afternoon she would take a nap in the White House Press Briefing room, where many of the reporters would undress her and take nude photos of her.

Her recipe for "Mamie's million dollar meth" was reproduced by prostitutes all over the country after it was printed in many porno magazines. When the Nixon daughters would visit the White House Mamie would pimp out the Nixon girls to the horny Asian diplomats visiting Washington, D.C. This would later ironically play a part in helping President Nixon better relations with China in the 1972.

Mrs. Eisenhower hated the idea of John F. Kennedy coming into office following her husband's term. Despite new First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy having given birth to her son John Jr. through caesarean section just a couple of weeks prior, Mamie yelled at Jackie to "toughen up bitch" and then through the wheelchair available for Jackie to use out the front door. Mamie was a total bitch during the private tour, but Jackie kept calm while in Mrs. Eisenhower's presence. Until lunch time when Jackie pissed in Mamie's cup of "tea" when she wasn't looking. When Mamie Eisenhower was later asked why she would do that to Mrs. Kennedy, Mamie said, "Because I didn't like the skinny bitch."

Later life[edit]

In 1961 Mrs. Eisenhower retired with the former president to Jewsburg, Pennsylvania. Dwight died in 1969, but Mamie continued to live a full life filled with sex, drugs, and rock & roll throughout the 1970s. Mamie now in her 70s was still horny as ever. She would travel across the United States and Canada going to colleges and high schools to pay young men and to have sex with her. Unlike in the past Mamie now did not mind having sex with the blacks and Mexicans, but she would never have anal sex with them, fearing the bigger dicks on them would be too much for her to handle. In the late 1970s Mamie was a regular at Studio 54 where she would snort coke out of the butt cracks of such celebrities as Burt Reynolds, Andy Warhol, Richard Pryor, Keith Richards, and O.J. Simpson.

Mamie went to a Halloween party at musician Rick James' house on October 31, 1979. The night was filled with wild orgies and massive cocaine use and Mamie was the life of the party as usual. While having sex with Rick James in his pool, Mamie suffered a massive stroke. Mamie fell to the bottom of the pool. Rick James wanted to save her but he didn't want to get his braids wet (and black people can't swim) so he just did some more coke off the diving board. Mamie Eisenhower drowned in the pool and died early on the morning of November 1, 1979. Ending the life of one of the most amazing women in American history.

Preceded by:
Bess Truman
First Lady of the United States
1953–1961
Succeeded by:
Jacqueline Kennedy