List of animals that don't exist, but should

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The world is full of many different kinds of animals. Weasels. Mudkip. Parrots. Fungus. Many of them however aren't terribly interesting, like rabbits, and pigeons. Whether you choose to blame Darwin's Natural Selection or an Intelligent (but not terribly inspired) Designer, you've got to admit that a world with several thousand species of fruit flies, most of them pretty much identical to each other, is lacking a little something. This list is designed to address that issue by pointing out animals which do not exist, but should, because they'd be really cool.

No animal is better than Sterrance.

Contents

Invertebrates[edit]

Unicellular organisms[edit]

AA This creature is worm like and is said to latch on to your bare skin and sucks all of the achohol from your blood. Although it mays seem harmless and fun it actually bores you to death even if you don't know that it is there.

Disco Amoeba[edit]

The Disco Amoeba (Amoeba funkyus) is the largest single celled organism on earth, being just over 5 feet tall. It frequents Disco clubs and feeds on the funky vibrations within. To get rid of the excess vibrations it changes its shape into that of a disco dancer and gets down to those funky beats. When not at the disco club it goes back to its dirty apartment and feeds on the rats and roaches within. To pay for its housing it often gets a job at Sonic. It is different in appearance from other amoebas not only in its size but also in the fact that it has an afro and wears bell bottoms.

Smurfs[edit]

Some say this indigoish imaginary idiot-created thing, does in fact exist, but there is no proof of that because if something exists, it must be able to be choked and us be able to predict its eventual color, like a chicke, if you choke it too long, it trns red plaid. That doesn't mean if you choke your chicken it will turn red plaid (unless you're George Bush), except if your name is Old Mac Donald, if you are a member of the Chinese Chicken Assassination Cult, or if you are a clown whose name is NOT Michael Jackson and you sell little kids burgers made from little kids. Anyway. The smurf does not exist, except for the Great Smurf, who is, in fact, Gawd (god). May the Blue of the Butt Butter be Beneath you...

Despite popular belief, when you choke a smurf it actually turns white and loses it's colour instead of going purple. nah these niggas blue

Molluscs[edit]

The Giant Wooly Tundra Snail, seen here, grazes in its natural tundra habitat.

Giant Wooly Tundra Snail[edit]

Ten tons in weight, the Giant Wooly Tundra Snail (Macromegaloconchus pilosus) glides silently across the tundra, feeding on lichens, grasses, berries, and the occasional polar bear.

Giant Killer Clam[edit]

A clam which grows to 56 feet in diameter and has four hundred thousand tiny needle like teeth designed to grab onto prey under water. Unlike it's cultivated cousins, The Giant Killer Clam (Tridacna caro) had been observed using jet propulsion to chase after prey. Its shell often grows coral reefs, for it has lived for over 9000 years, making it the world's longest lived anything. Often it goes drifting through the sea, siphoning in small fish, turtles, baby whales, seals, dolphins, and scuba diving kittens. It frequents beaches, where it waits under the sand, and creates rip currents by suddenly opening it's shell and sucking in water, of which it extracts the swimmers through from the water and shooting the water out, resulting in tsunamis. The swimmers are then very slowly digested over a period of 8 to 10 days. After the meal is digested, it shoots their clothing and whatever else out through it's siphon. Another interesting fact is that the stomach of the clam is filled which oxygen which is somehow created there, meaning that if it's prey breathes air it will survive until digested. The most unsually fact is that due to the size of the stomach, if it's prey is over 5 feet long it's preys tail or feet stick out of the stomach and out of the clams jaws for a few days afcter a meal. Sometimes scuba divers have reported franticly kicking feet from inside coral reefs, which is a human attempting to get out.

Psychic Sea Slug[edit]

The Psychic Sea Slug (Hermissendia praedictans) is capable of reading the stars, interpreting tea leaves, and anticipiating the future. Unfortunately, being a sea slug, it isn't able to do much with this information. However, if you catch it and put it in an aquarium, it serves as a general detector of fortune and misfortune; for instance, if it starts going crazy and trying to escape, you'd better start running. Wall Street investors have attempted to use the sea slug to guide their strategies, by placing copies of annual reports for various companies in the tank and seeing which one the sea slug prefers. However, it was only after losing tens of millions of dollars investing in Google stock that they discovered that the sea slugs simply enjoyed eating the soy-based ink used to print the Google report. Is not to be confused with the psychedelic sea slug.

Sexopus[edit]

An octopus that can and will go anywhere in search of some sexy, innocent, japanese schoolgirl ass. Sometimes called the tentacle rape monster it searches the planet for schoolgirls to rape then throw away like a useless piece of matter. The only recordings of these animals are posted on the internet. Harmless to everything except schoolgirls, the sexopus cannot be stopped because the only people with enough firepower to stop it are men, and they are simply too busy jacking off to the massive amounts of sexiness. The only problem these monsters pose to men is that wherever they go they leave a massive trail of cum and womens panties.

Ninjapus[edit]

Nijapus.jpg

You are walking down a secluded alleyway in a coastal city. You can feel the cool night air on your skin. You see something out of the corner of your eye. Thinking it was just your imagination you move on. Then without warning you are struck in the back with eight ninja stars made of sharpened starfish, killing you instantly. Congratulations you are the latest victim of the fabled Ninjapus (Octopoda kickassium), whose favorite food are people like you who are stupid enough to walk down secluded alleyways in coastal cities. Few people have ever seen a ninjapus and lived to tell the tale, but we have an idea of what they look like from cameras that have been dropped by amature photographers before they met their tentacle demise. According to the photographs ninjapodes look just like regular octopodes except that they are all black and they carry a bag around their backs where they keep their ninja weapons, which they make themselves out of things found on the seabed. It is also assumed that they can change their color and texture to fit in with the surrounding environment. Because of this, many scientists agree that it's very possible since many octopi do have this ability and it would be so completely awesome if the ninjapus could do it. So far, efforts to train a newly hatched ninjapus to be a bodyguard have been a seeming failure, as the ninjapus apparently has only been caught once, and the creature quickly killed it's captors and escaped after a few days training. However, many of the scientists'

rivals have been mysteriously poisoned with lionfish venom..

Arthropods[edit]

pop flies[edit]

a flying species of exploding ants, when agitated this fly bursts into a bunch of goo that melts everything it touches.after the creature melts its foe it the turns into another pop fly.

Ants With Weaponry[edit]

This ant wears only a helmet as if to say, "I enjoy being naked."

Ants are always getting into fights with other ant colonies, and while it's pretty interesting to sit down outside and watch the ants fight over something so small as a patch of grass, the entertainment value doesn't last long. That's why this ant species (Formicidae whoopassia) figured out how to build and use modern weaponry. As they go to war with a termite colony inhabiting a dead log, onlookers can see their inch long tanks roll across the ground and their stealth bombers the size of flies glide noiselessly through the air. You can see their infantry fight like the devil himself with their rocket launchers and machine guns. And if by some unlikely circumstance they can't destroy their enemy, the onlooker can see a small missile emerge from the ground, and render a 10 square foot area uninhabitable to insect kind. Howver, as these are ants, they will cease fighting if the onlooker places a sugar cube nearby. How do they get money for these endeavors you may ask? Pfft, They're ants. They don't need money.

Screaming Cockroaches[edit]

The Screaming Cockroach (Blattidae shraemenea) resembles many other cockroaches. The only major difference between it and other types of roaches appears to be that the Screaming Cockroach can sense the presence of predators from 100 feet away and when approached it emits a loud, high pitched, continuous scream (very similar to that of a small child having a temper tantrum), which almost always lets the predator know its location, and usually results in the death of the roach. Oddly, they also emit this sound when within 100 feet of bananas, crickets, and the soles of a 28 year-old man's bare feet. They are common pets in Woosleburg, where their sweet music (wretched screaming)is a welcome sound and is said to signal the arrival of Woolepapith, the town god.

Where's the Sharpie? This bastard passed out with his shoes on!

Georgian Shack Wasp[edit]

These inch long, black and yellow wasps construct massive paper caverns which may be in excess of 100 feet in diameter and over 12 feet high. The wasps have chambers for a rock climbing wall, raising young, food storage, resting, breeding, and swimming. The wasp spends its entire life living with its close family and the queen wasp will usually mate (sex) with any member of the family, unless they're Italian. The Georgian Shack Wasp (Vespula claeater) has developed the ability to domesticate fellow invertebrates. In doing so, the are able to ride horseflies and go hunting for the colony. They hunt with miniature shotguns and wear tiny raccoon skin hats. Often their prey of choice is the deerfly. They also enjoy stealing from humans. Frequently they invade parties or picnics and fly off with cakes and cookies, fried chicken, sandwiches, and watermelons. Then they swim in the lemonade and construct monuments of their greatness with the utensils. They even sting the humans themselves, especially where it really hurts, such as armpits and barefeet. They are immune to all pesticides (save for iced tea), but if they drink them become drunken and easy to swat.

The Great Horned Spider Monster, ready to capture some little kids in its talons for dinner.

Great Horned Spider Monster[edit]

Perhaps the greatest creature to not exist, the Great Horned Spider Monster (Hoolock doudo) is 8 feet tall, weighs over 1000 pounds, and spends its spare time pwning n00bs and hunting down school children. It frequently follows little kids home, where it it is kept as a pet until hungry enough to eat its owner. They also very frequently hunt and chase down annoying teenagers playing volleyball at the beach. They naturally live in schoolyards and beaches, as well as baseball stadiums and public parks, because suitable prey goes there, too. Not to be confused with a pedophile or Chuck Norris.

Vertebrates[edit]

Fish[edit]

Guppy-Minnow Hybrid[edit]

A juvenile male guppy-minnow hybrid after skinning a cow.

The Guppy-Minnow hybrid is the most lethal (yet prettiest) of all small flying little hybrid fish. Contrary to popular belief, they do not occur when the two fish interbreed, but when the two fish form into one. This only occurs in areas where guppies and minnows live side by side, which is almost everywhere, for minnows can migrate around the world five times a minute.

You may be thinking, what's so dangerous about a little tiny fish? Well, it flies at the speed of light, it grows 13 feet long, it has 247 teeth (100 less than the guppy, 100 more than the minnow), and it eats everything (except hamsters)

An adult Guppy-Minnow hybrid in it's natural habitat.

And better yet, as everyone knows, they live everywhere, land and sea (and lake and pond and river and sky and creek and space and under your bed, little boy! Yes, I said it, under your bed! They are coming to get you, and eat you! Tonight! Run while you have a chance! Oop, too late, the guppy minnow hybrid is behind you. Stalking you. Hunting you... Well good night!)

Saltwater Sole[edit]

Think this is a fish? No, it is really, literally, a sole. It is a creature that looks just like an adult male human's bare foot. It swims around the sea floor and feeds on crustaceans, using a mouth located near the toes. It has no eyes, but uses it's toes to sense prey and feel around.

Wooly Tuna[edit]

A 10 ton beast native to the Floridian Mountain range with shaggy fur covering it's body and large hairy fins. It uses it's large fan shaped fins to clear snow away when it walks. Often these beasts rest in the small pools of water created by melting glaciers in the summer, because on land they are nearly too heavy to move. They are highly dngerous and have been known to kill any unwary human they consider too close. They are even capable of scaring off Floridian Sharks, Purple Eared Mammoths, and Giant Poka Dotted Lynx.

Fatality Fish[edit]

These cute little yellow fish are very friendly looking - a deceiving look. At the slightest scent of danger they quickly swell up with a fatal mixture of bleach and ammonia until they are the size of beachballs and have 2 inch thorns. If it's predator grabs it and attempts to still eat it, its pores release the gas into the predators body, which quickly causes death. The fish then releases any excess gas into the water column. Usually several fish float up dead at this time, too. These creatures live exclusively off juvenile eight-spined haddock.

Eight-Spined Haddock[edit]

These are foot long silvery fish which contain almost every vitamen and mineral known. They have large communities in reefs where they live in almost complete safety from all but the craftiest predators, including Ninjapus and Ninja Sharks, Fatality Fish, and Electric Eagles. Young haddock are born and immediately flee to the safety of the crannies in the reef, where they stay and feed on baby octopus and crabs. However, often the crannies they flee to contain the highly elusive green stripe Moray Eel, large snakey creatures with razor sharp teeth which love to eat the unprepared little fish which currently don't recognise them as dangerous.

Three-Tailed Grouper[edit]

These massive saltwater game fish are known for their appetite, aggression when hooked, and attraction to classical music. The three-tailed grouper is capable of swallowing something up to 5/6 it's size, and this includes octopus, dodecapus, other fish, shellfish, sea birds, dolphins, manatees, seals, sea lions, walrus, sea snakes, sting rays, sawfish, sharks, electric eels, lionfish, swimmers, and catfish. The Three-tailed grouper can be dettered from going near beaches by hanging bags of onions and lettuce under the surface.

Flying fish[edit]

A migrating shoal of Flying fish, containing many yearlings.

The common catfish is a common sight in the fall, when shoals as great as several hundred flutter over, making their loud cackling mews as they migrate north to their winter reat stop in Alaska. These average looking fish sport a set of whiskers used to detect magnetic fields, which is how they migrate such long distances. Common catfish spawn their eggs in the spring, and lay several hundred eggs in small fast flowing streams, where eggs are quickly swept away in the current. In order for the eggs to hatch, they must be eaten by another fish, which must be eaten by a heron, which must then eat a frog. Once inside the frog, the common catfish larvae grows and grows and eats and eats until it has devoured it's host. By now it is about 8 inches long, and ready to fledge. They leap from the herons throat, fins outswept, and the lucky ones fly off. The unlucky ones drop back into the stomach and are digested, and, being exausted, cannot escape. Their top predators are airplanes, which hunt them down and eat them by the thousands. Common Catfish are very good sportfish. When hooked they fly straight down and crash, where they are easily collected. However, how on earth do you hook something that's flying?

Green Stripe Moray Eel[edit]

These eels live in tropical reefs wordlwide, the arctic circle, and freshwater Rift lakes in Africa and the Great Salt Lake in the United States. They feed on small fish and the feet of passing swimmers. They commonly take up residence in the crannies of reefs, rocks, and the lake bed. They have a habit of ripping holes in scuba diver's oxygen tanks, as well as climbing inside them and taking up residence in the now water filled chambers. They also instinctivily bite anything moving near their burrow, including the unprotected barefeet or flippers of passing swimmers. Many a swimmer has lost a toe or a two to the great Moray.

Electric Feel[edit]

As studied by the great science explorers MGMT, the Electric Feel is commonly found all along the Western Front and all along the Eastern Shores. Where these Fronts and Shores are, no one is certain, but MGMT has traced their natural origins to the Amazon, where the Feel was prone to stand there with nothing on.

The Feel is well known for being the first species other than the Sith to dominate the world, using it to make electricity.

Beware of these buggers, get on their wrong side and they'll shock you like you won't believe. Srsly.

Ninja Shark[edit]

Ninjas are awesome, sharks are awesome, what could be more awesome than a shark with ninja DNA? The Ninja Shark (Carcharodon ninjadon) is so named because it is completely black from head to tail. This nocturnal shark is extremely cunning, and is able to pick up and use objects from its environments as weapons. For instance, it can grab hold of a small swordfish and use it to chop up other fish, or throw sea urchins like ninja stars. Due to its extreme intelligence, scientists have been interested in studying the ninja shark for some time. However, efforts to study a captured ninja shark at Sea World came to a tragic end one night when the shark keeper was found dead in the water - stabbed in the back of the neck with a poisonous lionfish- and the ninja shark had mysteriously vanished from its tank. Ninja sharks are not to be confused with Shark Ninjas which are ninjas with shark DNA. Shark ninjas have a number of impressive abilities, such as the ability to hold their breath almost indefinitely, the ability to detect weak electrical fields, and the ability to shed and replace their teeth throughout life. However they have not been particularly effective as ninjas, because they need to swim continuously or die, and are possessed by an irrational fear of dolphins.

A typical Piranangelfish. Insert Foot Here.

Piranangel Fish[edit]

The weather is warm and sunny. You are so hot you take off your shoes and socks and submerge your barefeet in the water. Suddenly, something bites your sole. Quickly you are pulled under. The water turns red. Soon clothes float to the surface. You have been the latest victim of the Piranangel Fish. These creatures closely resemble freshwater angelfish, but have mouths full of razor sharp teeth, and travel in large shoals chasing after swimmers. They are native to the Amazon River. They have a retchid hatred of piranhas, and the two species commonly stage battles. They feed on cows, swimmers, fish, dogs, cats, and animals.

A monk fish, on the prowl for criminals.

Monk Fish[edit]

The Monk Fish has been used many times by the police force to solve crimes. It has a great attention to details, and can spot a speck on a white floor. Unfortunately, it has paralyzing fears of disorganized pebbles in its aquarium, algae on the glass, touching other fish, ammonia, fin rot, crabs, shrimp, bigger fish, flounders (because they are asymmetrical), water, and will only eat food that it has seen prepared.

Badfish[edit]

An omnipotent, belligerently drunk, and often stoned God-Fish hybrid. Last known location was Long Beach, CA. It loves to party, and will kill conservatives on sight for there anti-legalization viewpoint. It lives in Southern Comfort, also it enjoys the company of pretty girls, and hates boy bands. it will use its god-like power to instantly turn anything perceived as a threat into Micheal Jackson. Sadly it has not been sighted since May of 1994.

Amphibians[edit]

Dwarf North American Peeper[edit]

A small type of treefrog which is usually about half an inch long, plus legs. It lays many eggs at a time, and the father watches over it's tadpoles. When a predator approaches, the frog goes crazy in a display of aggression to deter the predator. When the tadpoles finnaly develop arms and legs, the father begins to eat them. He grabs them in his mouth and swallows the struggling little baby frogs alive. They then die a slow, painful death being digested. Out of the 60 tadpoles that hatch, he eats usually about 55 or so of his young. The survivors are usually about a sixth of an inch long, and escape to the trees to hide. There they are feasted on by birds, larger frogs, and snakes. Duen to being prey to nearly everything, frogs are lucky to live to be a month old. They mature at a couple weeks after becoming frogs. In captivity they naturally die at 3 months old. They feed on the increasingly rare dwarf fruit fly, which requires the fruit of the strawberry vine to live. All of the tadpoles in the area turn into frogs at the same time each year, so birds, snakes, raccoons, and many opther creatures have learned to wait around the ponds waiting for a large meal of baby froglets. Usualy 1 in every 300 froglets survives to a month old.

Giant European Frog[edit]

These 150 lb giant bipedal frogs live in bogs and commonly eat meals of Human legs, much as we eat their smaller cousins. Usualy anyone unlucky to see them is killed instantly, but rarely people escape with pictures of the beasts.

Giant Arctic Bullfrog[edit]

These 5 pound frogs are about twice the size of American bullfrogs, and can jump 20 feet at a time. They feed exclusively on baby seals, and fast for the rest of the year when there are no baby seals by hibernating beneath snow. They must be very careful to avoid polar bears and Giant Wooly Tundra Snails, which are their main predators. They catch their prey by jumping over to it and putting it in their mouth. Duh.

Reptiles[edit]

Ted Bundy's Thunder Snake[edit]

Ted Bundy's Thunder Snake (Metapython lampyroidia) was onced believed to be an extinct species but is now found around the globe. Able to travel at over 60,000 m/s, it was this great speed at which it moved that caused many biologists to believe that this particular snake species had become extinct. The Thunder Snake often inhabits clouds and rarely visits earth except to feed. The strikes will last but a few milliseconds, but their mark remains as a bite from one of these snakes can feel like a 54,000° Fahrenheit burn. As the snake attacks, it will often roar. Much is still unknown about the snakes and why they attack the earth, though it is known that there are over 16 million individuals.

Paradoxasaurus[edit]

Considered by most theologians to be God's second worst joke after Rosie O'Donnell, the Paradoxasaurus (Existentialosaurus Rex) was a dinosaur of the early Jurassic period that can be only proven to have existed if the subject does not believe in it. Extensive archaeological digs have unearthed several complete skeletons, thus utterly disproving its existence. Not to be confused with the modern day Paradoxapotamus.

Cultösaurus Erectus[edit]

Once considered to be a relative of the Swoop-Horned Bungo Pony, it is thought to be the closest living member of the family of dinosaurs of which Cultösaurus Erectus was the rarest member. Discovered in a stack of old 1950's cars by Victor Von Perlman of the Underbelly Institute, the animal is some 1500 feet tall. The last known colonies of these animal inhabit a little-visited valley in Oaxaca, Mexico.

Stone Age Ninja Mutant Tortoise[edit]

These fossils master the martial arts of the far east. They despise the fruit dicers made in Germany. they prey on small japanese people(basically all japanese people) and sand eels made from skunks skin and tutles arses (these creatures are quite rare) but who carese because when they die they go to iraq to help jesus find his marbles and to play skittles (using people with short term memory loss for skittles)

Komodo Drunk[edit]

A highly endangered animal which is the rare and usually impossible hybrid of a skunk and a komodo dragon. They naturally are unaware of their surroundings and usually have hallucinations. They subside off of exclusively over ripened grapes, and even drink grape filled water, which is why they are drunk. The number one cause of death is trying to drive. They frequently eat and vomit up eachother.

Pants Snake[edit]

self explanitory (you sick perverts)

Birds[edit]

Flying Taco[edit]

This is a gigantic taco with vulture wings. Flying Tacos (Nacho avirex) are native to the deep South, and are often in pitch black swamps, save for the glowing plants in the bog. Usually domesticated by teenage InstaNet geeks, they will one day be trained to swoop down on anyone who's about to say something annoying or innapropriate. "Oh no! A buffet!" are often the last words of the geek as they see their cheesy and meat-filled demise coming down on them. Rawr!

The Electric Eagle prepares to get some Gordon Fried fish sticks. Notice the evil purple electricity.

Electric Eagle[edit]

Inhabiting the depths of the Middle East, the Electric Eagle (Electrornis vorax) weighs 56 pounds and has a wingspan of ten feet. Capable of delivering up to 400,000 volts through its talons, it is capable of taking down deer, jaguars, or William Shatner, but its primary prey is electric eels. Charges up by landing on power lines, proof of evolution in action!

Asbestos owl[edit]

This killer owl is the "bomb diggity". This owl attacks it prey by shooting asbestos at it, and then stalks it until it dies of cancer. Then, it eats it victim. If you see one, run. These little bastard will fuck you up real good.

Barack Ollama[edit]

[IMG]http://i184.photobucket.com/albums/x286/Sk8r4life70/llama1.jpg[/IMG]
Inhabiting in the deep depths of Atlantis, The Ollama is a very dangerous creature. It has very sharp talons that can disembowel a human with a simple touch. Rumor has it that Paris Hilton once had sex with one, then kept it as a pet. No other information is available. She went missing 2 days later.

It's favorite foods are fire, electric fences, babies, Volcano Tacos from Taco Bell, and dildos.


Crale[edit]

Though not an actual species, but instead a cross-breed between the carrion crow (Corvus corone) and the blue whale (Balaenoptera musculus), the Crale (X Corvoptera confusionem) is a beautiful natural example of forbidden love. Crale are almost always sterile, though there have been reported cases of births of baby crows with wahles tailes, which drowned, which is the result of two of the hybrids attempting to breed. A crale can weigh more than a ton. They resemble a walrus with small talons in back and a crow's head. Crale feed off of small fish, crutaceans, squid, and the young of black ringed sea ducks. While in water they an race up to 40 miles per hour, on land they barely make 10. Because they are a cross-breed and not an actual species, crale is a more of a slang term than a scientifically accepted term. They are also referred to as the Swimming Crow, the Ugly Whale, the Abomination of God's Creation, and That Fugly Thing.


The Notfunni Owl[edit]

The Notfunni Owl (Tyto Heckleidae) flies by comedy night clubs screaming "not funni" in attempt to get lesser comedians kicked off the stage. While the comedian is hidden from view, the owl immediately uses its leet ninja skills to feast on the lesser brains of the comedian. Results may vary. May contain owl pellets.

Travoopsaulauke[edit]

A black 8 foot tall toucan type bird with an 8 foot long beak native to Old Jersey in the Walrus states of Moose Valley. This place has recently been changed to California in the United States of America, ever since the great moose went extinct. Travoopsaulauki are very fond of dead things, and frequent heavy traffic roads in the woods, oil spills, and MickDonaldoes. They also flock to brecreational areas, alter their feather color to match the environment, and swoop off with humans to eat when food is scarce. Grown men and women are favorites, especially when barefoot, but children and people with shoes are eaten grudgingly.

One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater[edit]

The Purple People Eater (PPE) is a mainly carnivorous animal as the name implies, but has been known to feed off failed hopes and dreams, awkward silence, and Cheeto's. Living mostly solitary lives, the occasionally spotting has been recorded at Chuck E Cheeses and your Uncle Ted's, wearing short shorts.

Vampire Chicken[edit]

The Vampire Chicken (Gallus nocturnalis infernalis) is the only chicken in existence known to have needle-sharp teeth AND an unquenchable thirst for blood. Referred to as "the Kentuckistan fried undead" in the southern USA. It is said that the legend of the vampire chicken goes back to the days of the infamous Count Sanders. Can only be killed by being impaled with a turkey baster through the heart.

Mammals[edit]

File:Crazy 24.jpg
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Rabbit.


The dolphin smiles as it has spotted its first victim...the cameraman.

Danube River Dolphin[edit]

A rare fresh water dolphin species, the Danube River Dolphin (Pontoporia transylvatica) is believed to have originated from the Franciscana Dolphin of South America. Many biologists believe that a pack, herd, flock...whatever you call a bunch of dolphins, were carried out to sea and found their way to the Danube. From here they evolved separate of the Franciscana Dolphin, though their body structure is much the same. They are anywhere from 5 to 6 feet long with a particularly longer nose. They can also be identified by their glowing red eyes, dilating pupils, and razor sharp teeth. These aquatic mammals are typically nocturnal and will only come out to feed during the night. It has been noted that they spend the majority of their time attacking fresh water mammals, though they have been known to venture into the salt water where they will feed on sharks, whale sharks, seals and sea lions, sea turtles, rubber rafts, surfers, and each other. Interestingly enough, they never actually injest any flesh, but rather use two abnormally large teeth found in the upper part of the mouth to instead suck the blood out of their prey.

Long-tailed giraffephant[edit]

The long-tailed giraffephant looks like and elephant with a giraffe neck and a long tail similar to a monkey it lives only in the plains of the north atlantic and is covered in fur like its ancient daughter the wolly mammoth. strangely enough its tusks have an obsidian appearance rather than being white. Many believe this to be attributed to two things. the fact that its teeth can never be extracted or fall off and the fact that its diet is comprised of gummy fish.

PsuedoKitten[edit]

PsuedoKitten after the family brought home the new puppy.

What looks like a kitten, sounds like a kitten, and walks like a kitten? A PsuedoKitten. PsuedoKittens are one of the most deadly animals on the planet. They have teeth made of tungsten, and claws of uranium. And cute little furry tails, that shoot lazer beams. These kittens have been around for hundreds of millions of years, and could have been seen traveling in small packs and hunting down brontosauruses and chasing around screaming T - rexes. The kittens nowadays hunt men, women, schoolchildren, cute puppies, and anything that moves. However, they make great pets for small children. When they mature, they turn into normal run of the mill cats. The size of godzilla. These cats are immortal and cannot be killed. If you encounter one, shoot yourself in the head before it gets to you.

The Flying Purple Hippo is a part of many different cultures, much like Jesus.

Flying Purple Hippo[edit]

Though the origin of the Flying Purple Hippo (Hippopotumas aerola) is unknown, many believe that it was somewhere in Africa or Mexico. They have habits of randomly shooting lazers, rainbows, or rainbow lazers out of their asses. The main staple of their diet is cloud grass, which roots to the frozen water particles in the clouds. They make "Pookie", "Ookie", and "Boop Bopp" noises during their mating rituals and vomit candy and ice cream all over when happy.

Elephant-Mouse Hybrid (Long Nosed Mouse)[edit]

A rare photo of an Elephant-Mouse Hybrid captured by a cat who will remain unnamed. This is the only known photo in existance.

These 5 lb creatures resemble huge rats with an elephant's head. They are the rare result of the interbreeding of the Floridian Dwarf Elephant and the common brown rat. They feed on grasses, leaves, and everything we eat, plus insects. They are known to be highly territorial, and often use their sharp tusks to fight for dominance of the herd. They birth 5 young twice yearly, with 5 month gestation periods. They travel through savanas, yards, houses, and barns in herds of assorted males and females, plus young. If confronted by a predator, they trumpet loudly and flare their ears large. Next comes biting and stabbing. if this fails, they run away and hide. Usually this happens first. Elephant-mouse hybrids, being half elephant and half mouse have the unique distinction of being afraid of themselves. which acounts for thier habit of constantly running around in a panic even while eating sleeping fighting and having sex.

Floridian Dwarf Elephant[edit]

These 100 lb thickly furred elephants stand 3 feet tall at the shoulder and live solitary lives in Florida's frigid mountain ranges, where they subside on lichens and pine needles for most of the year. In good years they may find one or two leaves or flowers trying to set seed in the 2 week summer. They share their habitat with Floridian Polar Bears, rats, blue nosed marmosets, arctic peacocks, and Wooly Tunas. Males have 2 long curved white tusks which are used to plow snow. Females have smaller curved tusks. They are hunted by their mortal enemie - the Wooly Tuna, which is capable of swallowing a whole herd of these elephants in one sitting.

Springtail Mouse[edit]

These small hopping mouse like creatures have very large ears and eyes, and look very cute. They can hop about 9 feet straight up, and make very loud squeeking sounds. These highly dangerous predators hunt down unsuspecting garter snakes. Being able to hop at almost 40 miles per hour, it can take down the snakes very easily. It also hunts down rattlesnakes and boas. It's main predators are larger members of it's species. it's uses the soles of it's incredibly large rear feet to detect the vibrations of prey, for it is blind, deaf, and cannot smell. However, it's ears are so large so that they can be used to collect small bugs, which it harvests and squishes regulary, and nobody knows why they have big eyes. When caught they squeel like a pig and attempt to escape by kicking with their feet, which the claws are then un-retracted and used to kick it's predator. They can also shed their furry little tails, and have been known to also drop lims when needed. Until the 1900's, their feet were ground up and considered to be a cure for sweaty feet in young men.

Good. You caught one. Resist the urge to spare his pleading little life and use one of the methods to the right to dispose of his terrified little life.

The Adorable Mouse[edit]

These cute little rodents inhabit the dwellings of humans, where they kindly stay out of the way and live their lives out in peace. These small creatures naturrally live hard lives and die young. Males, at the adolescent age of 3 days old, go to work on the farm, while females knit imaginary clothing and clean the den. On top of this, they are preyed upon by fat, well fed tabbies who just like to kill. When picked up, these honest living and hard workingmice often give big puppy dog faces and plead for mercy, yapping about how they have hundreds of kids and a wife and everything else. The best thing to do in this case is insert it into: A: A Mousetrap B: A Cat C: A blender D: A fishtank with one or more piranhas. E: a glue trap, followed by the freezer in the garage. Thats what you get for fucking up daddy's car. Or, if you are an animal lover (Eww) you may release it outside in the freezing cold miles away from home, where it will surely die anyway.

Man Eating Elephant[edit]

Inside this cute and cuddly exterior lies the most dreadful creaure known to man (and dolphins!)!

These creatures look just like normal elephants, only their teeth are much more pointy. They have been known pick up passersby and fling them fifty feet in the air, and to whack them repeatedly into the ground. They are the sole known animals to eat nothing but humans. They are also the most feared animal by dolphins, who cower in it's presence. Nobody knows why, because Man Eating Elephants are also terrified of dolphins (and potatoes, mice, spiders, cocroaches, aliens, pine trees, squirrels, and corn). If you see a Man - Eating elephant, you are going to die. Period.this creature got desperate for money so it made its own insurance company for small americans ,however this failed because there are no small americans

Fire Breathing Hamster[edit]

The Fire-Breathing Hamster, often used to light cigarettes.

The Fire Breathing Hamster (Pyromys gracilis) is capable of ejecting a stream of flame three feet long from its mouth to ward off hungry hawks and foxes. Its current status is endangered, because the grasslands in which it lives keep burning down. Its primary predator is the Asbestos Owl.

Nuclear Hamster[edit]

Similar to the Fire Breathing Hamster except radioactive. Current plans involve invading China on the basis that they will eat them, then implode. The CIA has started to use them in the war on Uzbekistan.

Piranha-Hamster[edit]

Found in some areas of the Amazon Rainforest , this random fish-rodent thing moves in packs. It can strip meat to the bone 23.592 times as fast as a regular piranha. They move in killer pack swarm thingies, killing anything that moves, as well as most things that don't. Scary.

Hyperweasel[edit]

Weasels have an unusually high metabolism and high activity levels. The Hyperweasel (Hypermustela velocipus) of South America and Sumatra however, has its metabolism and activity levels elevated ten times above those of an average weasel. It subsists on a diet of high-grade coffee beans and tea leaves (of which it eats five or six pounds daily) small rodents, or even (due to its incredible metabolism) whole cows, which it can skeletonize in fifteen micro-seconds. Hyperweasels are rarely seen as anything other than a small, furry blur hurtling rapidly by. Contact with humans has always ended with the person having a hyperweasel speeding past and skepletonizing the feet a it passes. Never walk without steeltoe boots in weasel country. Due to the flexibility of the hyperweasel's spine it is capable of being put through a sausage maker should the need to do so ever arise.

A rare close-up of the Transparent Tiger in its natural habit.

Transparent Tiger[edit]

The Transparent Tiger (Panthera invisibilis) is a powerful predator, and completely invisible. Its primary prey is the invisible antelope. It is not particularly popular in zoos. Due the fact that the tigers are transparent, their mating season is a very complex and aggressive time, as the male tiger has no idea if the mate it is mounting is a male or female.

Saber-Toothed Tiger[edit]

Glow in the Dark Monkey[edit]

The Glow in the Dark Monkey (Lucifipithecus arborealis) is a monkey that glows in the dark. This allows it to forage for fruit late at night. The monkeys also flash on and off in a sort of morse code to communicate with each other.

The werecow should be feared, as it is very scary. Please hold me.

Werecow[edit]

The Werecow (Bos taurus lycanthropus) is an unassuming cow by day. During the full moon, however, it turns into... another cow. But this one is hairier and has a short temper and red glowing eyes. It still eats grass and chews cud, being a cow. But being a Were-Cow it does so in a much more ferocious manner. A Were-Cow can only be killed by driving a steak through its heart. :D

ACHTUNG BABY!

Small Dog with Hitler's Head[edit]

The Small Dog With Hitler's Head (Canis hitlercephalus) has the body of a small dog, but the head of a mass murdering dictator, and a funny little moustache. Approach with caution. Might bite or gas. The Small Dog With Hitler's Head also has an uncontrollable aggression towards Jews, cats, and especially Jewish cats.

Behold the Russian Snow Hopper, a naturally ferocious yet tameable creature first domesticated by the Barefoot tribe in the middle ages to capture and send enemies to their certain death. The tribe still keeps tamed Snow Hoppers for this purpose.
Kosherhuff.jpg

Small Dog with Tamia's Head[edit]

The Small Dog With Tamia's Head (Canis tamiacephalis) has the body of a small dog, but the head of an ugly bitch singer. Approach with caution. Doesn't bark, but does the worst howling. Used in women's prisons to sniff out smuggled dildoes.

Snow Hopper[edit]

A one ton rabbit that stands 6 feet tall at the shoulder, and can hop 50 feet long and 30 feet straight up. They have very large, padded feet used as snowshoes to support their wieght over the deep snow of which they live. Usually highly dangerous and aggressive, only the Barefoot tribe of Northern Russia and a few other individuals have ever tamed the Snow Hopper. In the middle ages tamed Snow Hoppers were used to capture and bring enemies to their death.

New Zealand Mohawk Sheep[edit]

These 12 inch tall sheep frequent pastures full of rattlesnakes, due to fact they themselves like to control their populations. These sheep are raised for their wool, which often grows straight up in Mowhawk fashion, giving them their common name. Often this mohawk is 50 feet tall, and the sheep tip over in the slightest breeze. Sometimes they even blow away to other pastures. These sheep feed upon grass, shrubs, poison ivy, rose bushes, cacti, porcupines, and the fruit of the hamburger tree.

Guinea Pirate[edit]

200 times the size of a conventional guinea pig, the guinea pirate is the leader of a deadly bunch named 'The Furry Death', a group of giant guinea pigs that attack cities in an oddly similar way to that monster in 'Cloverfield'. Peruvian flute bands are one of the guinea pirates few weaknesses, but it is also know to be vulnerable against lasers from a small childs eyes. Often mistaken for regular pirates, the guinea pirate has one distinguishing feature, it is a guinea pig.

Terror incarnate

ManBearPig[edit]

ManBearPig was a sexual figment of Al Gore's imagination. When Al Gore drew and raped this poor manbearpig, it came alive and tried to kill Al Gore, thus Al Gore is, and I quote,"super cerial."

Nurdles

Shaggen[edit]

These creatures resemble a young human male in almost everyway, except they have 54 teeth, and the last 3 pairs of molars are pointy. They also have slightly larger feet, and always wear blue shorts, green or red shirts, and barefeet. They have an average skin tone. Their hair is brown. What is so dangerous about them? They are carnivores and eat only meat. While not dangerous to humans, they are dangerous to steaks, burgers, and hotdogs. They also can speak all languages and originally developed from an ancient ( now extinct ) relative of the wolf. They can swim for miles without stopping, can hold their breath for 20 minutes, can jump 12 feet up and 40 feet long, can telephathicly communicate with dogs and other canines, and are incompatible with cats, which they have a natural instinct to chase. The same goes for other small animals. You may be friends with one and not know it. But relax, they are harmless. About 45 percent of the human populatiuon is Shags.

Drop Bear[edit]

The Drop Bear is, at first glance, often mistaken for a standard Koala Bear. In fact, even on close inspection the two are almost identical. The only real way (without laboratory analysis) to tell a Drop Bear apart from a Koala is by its behaviour. Drop Bears will, upon seeing a target (most often humans, but several other large mammals are known to have been attacked), drop out of its tree, onto its prey's head, and begin to maul it savagely. This is vastly different to the Koala Bear, who when awake (only a few hours a day) are 'high' from all the eucalyptus they eat, and barely move an inch. Unfortunately the correct identification of a Drop Bear is almost always too late to be of any use. Because of this, and numerous fatal attacks in the late eighties and early ninties, it is now commonplace to wear a hard hat, carry a shotgun, and travel in pairs at all times in the bush. These precautions have lowered casualty rates by up to eighty percent.

There has been much conjecture of late about the origin of the Drop Bear among scientists. Most believe that they are in fact a separate species to the Koala Bear, but in July 2006 a radical theory was put forward by a group of University drop-outs. The theory, was very simple. Drop Bears are in fact Koala Bears that consumed a bad batch of eucalyptus brownies. This new theory has been generally accepted by most younger scientists, while being condemed by older scholars.

In early 2004 a group of campers were mauled in the Blue Mountains (NSW, Australia) by a Drop Bear they thought was both a friend and a Polar Bear. Shortly after attempting to use the Drop Bear story to convince a group of swedish backpackers to join them for a drink, the Drop Bear attacked without warning. It is believed the delusions of a friendly Polar Bear were in fact caused by consuming significant amounts of rum.

Moose Bear[edit]

This unsightly creature reveals itself to no one and considering his size, this seems impossible, but he is a master of disguise, utilising all kinds of nuts and leaves to cover and go unnoticed in the deep, long overgrown, smoggy, smelly grass that he occupies in the park. He stands just over 7 feet at the shoulder (not counting his silly little purple ears of course). Supposedly he looks like a bear with antlers a moose's head full of sharp teeth. His rear feet are believed to look a lot like human feet. The mystery of the moose bear has baffled many a mind with his lack of appearance. Although foot prints have been found in the past, an examination of which shows we still do not know for sure if he has 2 or 4 feet. The footprints look identical to a large human man's foot prints.

Moral Mammal of Morality[edit]

The Moral Mammal of Morality can be found only in the human brain. It sits there and pops up from time to time, weighing in on humanity's decisions. Should I hit that baby with the crowbar or the large trout? The trout will do. Should I kill a box of kittins with my newfound power of power an orphanage. Should I Kill a box of kittins to power an orphanage. These are the kind of moral decisions that the Moral Mammal of Morality will decide for us. If you ever find a Moral Mammal, be on your guard, for they can make you think that being nice to the Moral Mammal is a good thing.

Three-toed Slob[edit]

The Three-toed slob (Bradypus nevercleanuptus) is a harmless treeborne mammal about the size of a large dog. It leaves a mess wherever it goes and apathetically ignores any attempt to get it to clean up. It subsists on pizza and beer; a tree with a Slob living in it is easily recognizable by the pizza boxes and beer cans strewn beneath it.

Lazer Lions[edit]

'Nuff said

Otter Pops[edit]

Six fruity flavors of otter, capable of being frozen and eaten.

Unicorn[edit]

Unfortunately a MYTHICAL creature (aka Horsewitha fuckinhorn) that should be real just so all the women that believe these complete bullshit pointless creatures actually ever existed can be dumped on a island with it and left to rot. Magical talking leopards that fart rainbows, now that's what i'm talking about.

Arguably not really an animal at all[edit]

Photosynthesizers[edit]

Funny
The big tree, ready to pluck some helpless little saplings from the ground.

A single oak tree (Quercus giganteum) that has grown so large it has penetrated close to thirty-one miles into the atmosphere. these trees are commonly used by the KND for their friggin huge treehouses. Its trunk's diameter is the size of Texas and California combined. It most likely grows so big by using it's roots to pull trees down beneath the ground and eating them, squirrels and all. It is home to the alienary squirrel people, who have vast empires in their tree homes. The squirrels feed mainly on the football field wide acorns the tree grows. This tree also provides shelter for many different varieties of wood gnomes. These pesky little bastards are always causing mischeif.

GODLIKE ENTITIES[edit]

Bearwolf[edit]

A true beast to be around with, the Bearwolf is a deadly creature that kills with deadly accuracy. the only downside to the deadly deadliness is that it can only kill the resolute with a swift claw swipe. The creature is donned with a steel plated skull and steel testicles, so head or nutshots will not do a damn thing to slow it down (I know it's unfair. Shut up). The only thing you can do to slow it down and run away is to grab a bow and arrows (no guns. It is imune to small missiles.) and shoot it directly in the heart 5 times without pause. Miss one, and you're a goner. An extraplanar being, it cannot be killed by anyone less than Chuck Norris, the only know surviver of a Bearwolf attack. chinchilla breathing chinchillas that breath chinchillas