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A photograph of the world's largest and most famous manatee, LZ 129 Hindenburg, during its final moments.

Manatees (family Trichangleidae, genus Trichangleus), are the most elegant creatures in the sea. They are known as sea cows and "That Big Seal-y Thing", are water-dwelling mammals that are old and wise, and have many tales of the sea, not to be confused with the dreaded Manatink. Manatees happen to live in the ocean 'cause they ain't got no job.

While rumors persist in some sections of the world (notably in Alberta, and at some guy's house down the block from that one 7-11 on Sunset Blvd.), manatees, in fact, do not ever die. Ever.


Manatee language consists of an extremely complex series of expressions manifested through both speech and body posture. Each spoken word in an English sentence can be roughly translated into the Manatee word "Puh," "P'uh," or "Phuh." Depending on the posture of the Manatee, and the general location of his talons and fangs, the second party can easily translate the sentence.hey yall here are some examples

<flaps flippers around> "Puh, puhp'huh, puh" <rolls over> := "It's certainly a fine day to-day. Govn'ah."
<Flippers orthogonal to belly> "Puh! Pu'h puh" := "How 'bout dem Seminoles?"

<Flippers strain to cover eyes, eats human liver with tail> "Puuuuuhp Phup 'Puh 'pup puhpuh": =hey you guys!"

Hence, Manateeian does not lend itself well to written forms as they are often are accompanied by 1:1 scale pictograms (as the Manatee Mortal Insult (MMI) #3465 happens to be to draw a Manatee

in any other scale than 123,223:1 or 1:1)


A Baby Manatee in its natural environment

When God created the animals of the earth, he apparently exhausted all of his creative thoughts by the time he got to the manatee.

"Yeah, how about a grey blob. Umm, throw them somewhere around Florida. BAM!" -God on the creation of the manatee In ancient times, pirates who lost their ships would sometimes ride manatees, hollowing out sections of their bloated backs and parts of their heads to create living ships.
Edward and Eliza Harvey, parents of Mathew Harvey, the ugliest creature in the universe, thought that their child was a manatee, so they booked a sea cruise and threw him into the ocean and lived happily ever after.
In the modern era, sailors are known to often mistake manatees for very large, fat mermaids. This is considered to be the result of spending several months at sea, as well as the basic nature of sailors.
It should also be noted that the result of the union of man and manatee created the first mermaids and mermen, who are constantly at war with their enemies, the dreaded plankton.
The manatee's natural enemy is the motorboat and manatees will often wince or run at the sight, sound, or mentioning of a propeller.

The Americo-Manateean War (1625-to date)[edit]

In 1625, when personal light watercraft were invented by Roman emperor Vasco da Gama, the sitting Manatee Rex Electi Manfred XVI declared a state of war to exist between the nation of America and Manateeia. His reasons were elaborated in a 698-page long declaration of war, written on leaves of lettuce. However, as the favorite condiment of Manatees happens to be lettuce, these documents were almost immediately lost during the ensuing traditional feast-of-war. Therefore, according to Manatee law (Lex Trichanleus) the interpretation of the war-treaty has been left up to each individual divisional commander of the Manatee army. This has lead to many confusing, and in some instances hilarious, situations. Most notably a day in May 1764 when a division of Manatee Marines exchanged pox-ridden blankets for golden effigees with the Native Americans in their operational region. This was seen as a crime, since the only legally accepted war loot is lettuce - and the incident was immediately blamed on the USA-ians with remarkable side effects as Indian casinos, alcoholism, and general tomfoolery.

Famous Manatees[edit]

The following manatees are among the most famous. These manatees have had a successful life of acting and having a talk show of their own...

Manatee Sightings in New Zealand[edit]

In late 2007 several unconfirmed sightings of three mantees high in the Maruia River. Two large dominant males were reported along with an apparent manatee that seemed to of undergone some stretching effect. Scientists are quoted as being "Very happy" that manatees are now being seen in previous virgin waters. Below are eye witness descriptions along with artificial names of these manatees.

  • John Hawkins - The grace and skill with which it moved seemed to be combined with enormous power.
  • Jason Guthrie - This manatee bucked the normal trend and did not appear to be as grossly overweight as the others. It was thought to be malnourished after a vigouris mating season. It did however seem to struggle through the water and let out a cry of "Oh my Kidneys!"
  • Cain Duell - aka Jobe this manatee was obviuosly the team leader but seemed to struggle with the responsibility that came with the position.

Manatees and tanks[edit]

For the last few years they have been some speculation regarding manatees and tanks. Some manatee-tank experts say that these man-tanks (abbreviation) dress up a ballerianas to fool army officer in to letting them use these tanks. Their were seventeen report cases of mantee-tank jacking in 2005, almost double the amount of 2004. "Manatees are evolving!" said one expert "They fleeced me out of a Panzer!"