Manos: The Hands of Fate

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Manos: The Hands of Fate (In Spanish, manos means hands)

No. The Master Chef was not played by Freddy Mercury. Quit asking.
Directed by Harold Pee. Warren
Produced by Harold Pee. Warren
Written by Harold Pee. Warren
Starring Hal Pee. Warren
Tom Neyman
John Reynolds
Diane Mahree
Distributed by United Nations Enterprise.
Release date(s) September 15, 1966 (premiere)
Running time 7 Hr 27 min
Country U.S.S.A
Language Gibberish
Budget $1.00



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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Manos: The Hands of Fate, which makes Howard The Duck look like Casablanca and Citizen Kane, was, and still is a terribly boring Mexican red-neck American B-movie horror film written, directed, produced by, and starring Harold Pee. Warren (also known as the Pauly Shore of horror). It is widely recognized to be one of the worst films ever made. In 1993, Mystery Science Theater 3000 featured Manos: The Hands of Fate, giving the film teenage pot-heads status.

The dull tiring slow paced plot of the film revolves primarily around a vacationing family who lose their way on a road trip. After a long drive in the Sahara desert, the family is trapped at a lodge maintained by a polygamous pagan cult, and they attempt to escape as the cult's members decide what to do with them. The film is technically deficient with significant editing flaws; its soundtrack and visuals are not synchronized, and several scenes are inexplicable or unconnected to the overall plot.

Harold Warren (also known as the horrendous version of Alfred Hitchcock) was a roustabout worker from Have-nuke-istan, who produced the film as a result of a bet on Ebay. Manos was an independent production (no shit) by a crew that had little or no background or experience in film making and a very limited budget at their disposal like Harold's hero, Ed Wood. Upon its theatrical debut, the film was poorly received, and remained in a garbage hill by the Men in Black, until Frank and Tom Servo found it.

Plot

The plot? Okay, but don't fall asleep, even if I'm trying to make it more entertaining. While on a road trip, a young couple, Michael Flavor Flav, Margaret, their young daughter Debbie, and their dog, Pepsi, search for the "Valley of Gwangi." Michael Flavor Flav and his family finally reach a house which is tended by the worst fake handicap in a film, Torgo (do you care?) He has an erratic, repetitive speech pattern (like Porky the Pig) who takes care of the house "while the Master Chef is away." Michael Flavor Flav and Margaret ask Torgo for directions to Valley of Gwangi; Torgo simply replies that, "There is no way out of here. It'll be dark soon. There is no way out of here and no way out of the film, besides Jurassic Park is way easier to find." With this information, Michael Flavor Flav asks Torgo to let him and his family stay the night, despite objections from both Torgo and Margaret.

Inside the shack, the family sees a disturbing painting of a dark, malevolent-looking man and an alien with no eyes; the man it depicts is The Master Chef. Margaret becomes frightened upon hearing an ominous howl, Michael Flavor Flav, like the Sherlock Holmes he is, investigates, retrieving a flashlight and revolver from his toy ATV. He finds Pepsi lying dead on the ground after a seizure. Torgo reveals his attraction and gets turned on by Margaret and tells her that, although she is doomed to become yet another sacrifice to King Kong, he intends to keep her for himself. Margaret threatens to tell Michael Flavor Flav of Torgo's advances, but Torgo persuades her not to say anything to her husband by promising to protect her. Michael returns, unable to start the car to be cliché. With the revelation that there is no phone in the house the family reluctantly decides to stay the night.


Told you there was no editor as seen a clapboard is shown (click the picture and it will move magically).

Michael and Margaret stumble upon "The Master Chef" (Why do you give?) and several women dressed in transparent KKK costumes, whom later a surprising twist, reveal to be as men, who are asleep. Torgo ties Michael Bay to a pole and The Master Chef suddenly comes to life and does Thriller. His husbands also awake, and a short argument over the fate of the family ensues (even though we didn't care about them). The Master Chef decides to sacrifice Torgo and his first wife. When The Master Chef leaves, his husbands engage in further argument that soon degenerates into a slap fight, and the women/men box like Rocky in the sand.

Torgo succumbs to what appears to be a hypnotic spell by the Master Chef. The Master Chef stops the slap fight, and has his first wife/husband tied to a pole to be sacrificed. Torgo is laid on a stone bed, where he is assaulted by The Master Chef's other husbands, but this in itself does not prove fatal. Evoking some mysterious power, The Master severs and cuts Torgo's left hand with a lightsaber. Torgo runs off into the darkness, waving the burning stump that remains, okay you know what? I'm skipping through this! An undisclosed amount of time later, an entranced Michael greets two more lost travelers in Torgo's stead. Margaret and the pedophile The Master Chef is, also made little Debbie his wife. The film concludes with Michael Bay saying, "I take care of the place while The Master Chef is away." The production credits are superimposed over past scenes from the film with the words "The End?" Thank god! Hopefully, eventually this film will be forgotten. Who knew the film had a bit of a plot!

After filming

After filming, most of the cast and crew never ever worked on another film project again and Torgo beat himself to death with the magic bannana phone.

Despairingly a new trend and/or disease has materialised in the Upper Dells, involving "dressing up as Torgo" syndrome. Most likely based on the shameless exploitation of this movie by the monkies at the shitfest MST3K, any control of the virus must involve supersecret elimination of everything MST3K-related(especially "MITCHELL" and "Final Justice". This is NOT Joe Don Baker. I repeat.. BUZZ OFF, KID!!!)

Reception

Torgo's hand found years later after his suicide during the repair of the Alaska pipeline.

“This film is so much of an utter shit that I rather take a shit because this movie is the equivlent of shit taking a shit!”

~ AVGN on Manos: The Hands of Fate

“I hated it, hated it, hated it, hated it (goes on and on).”

~ Roger Ebert on Manos: The Hands of Fate

“If this film were shown in Tokyo, I would have smashed that theater like there was no tomorrow!”

~ Godzilla on Manos: The Hands of Fate

This horrendous film got large amount of negative reviews and when the screening happened, people started laughing, throwing shoes, and having tantrums at the screening because of film's poor quality and redundant dialogue. Humiliated, (why shouldn't they be?) the cast left the screening and the people started a riot the next day around Harold's house. However, director Uwe Boll states that this is one of his favorite movies, and told all of it's haters to fuck off. Other directors, such as Tommy Wiseau, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Joel Schumacher, Michael Bay, and Tom Green have also taken a liking to the film. Non-directors have too, as they include George W. Bush, Megan Fox, Ke$ha, Barbie, Ronald McDonald, Lil Wayne, Soulja Boy, Glenn Beck, the Westboro Baptist Church, Justin Bieber, and The Jonas Brothers.

The film ranked #2 on AFI's 100 years... 100 Chinese Technology list, of-course, number one is Avatar.

Remake

File:Fullpre2.jpg
A photo of Brad Pitt during production in Kuwait.

Although the utter failure of the film, a remake is planned for release in late 2011 directed by a Napoleon Dynamite, produced by the Illuminati, and Michael Bay, written by four monkies, and Sam Mraovich, and will star Star Wars Kid as Michael Flavor Flav, Jennifer Aniston as Margaret, and Brad Pitt as Torgo. It will be rated G for God awful, which the Mayan prophecy predicted that if such a movie would be remade, the world would be destroyed by reptilian shape-shifting alien skinheads who hate the human race and caused 9/11 according to a sane man, David Icke. However, the film has been in "development hell" since November 2010, leaving the film's fate a mystery.

Sequel To The First Film

Uwe Boll has confirmed that he will make a sequel to the first film, possibly to cash in on the remake, called "Manos: The Search for Valley Lodge of Peace", and will be "a wonderful masterpiece" out sometime in 2012. Tommy Wiseau will co-direct the film. Not much has been leaked, but the plot will be based off Jewish prophecy that the messiah wasn't Jesus and was yet to come, and Torgo will be that messiah, being resurrected after 666 days. Ronald McDonald is set to play Torgo, and Tom Green will be co-starring in the movie as the Master Chef. Megan Fox, Rosie O'Donnellum, Ke$ha, and Boll's dying grandmother have been casted as the Master Chef's wives . Star Wars Kid is set to reprise his role. Robert Pattinson has been confirmed to play Debbie. Pauley Shore is hoping to potray Margaret. The car couple's actors are not yet known, though Fred Phelps lobbied hard for the part, leading him to be a likely candidate. Hulk Hogan has expressed interest in playing the woman. Two sex scenes are planned, one between Torgo and Michael, and one with the Master Chef and a moose. Justin Bieber is rumored to be the singer of the film's theme song. Mr. Boll promises there will be twice as much driving than the first film.

Trivia

Bush/Obama(who can tell?) brings all his friends to the premiere.
  • Dick Cheney has said that Manos has deep connections to WMDs
  • Bush was scheduled to play the Master Chef, but was cancelled the last minute do to the release of a new book titled "The Pet Goat", which he would read during 9/11.
  • Everytime someone cries when the movie is over, Jesus Christ and The Devil will have disco off in Jerusalem.
  • Some Guy made a cameo apperance with Oscar Wilde in the film, as did a young Greedo.
  • During World War II, Warren read the plot of the film to the Japanese, causing them to surrender. The bombings were just BS.
  • This is the film that caused the Decepticons to turn evil.
  • Glenn Beck gets some of his ideas from this film.
  • Harold Pee. Warren is a distant cousin to Joseph Stalin, which explains why 150 million died after the watching of this film.
  • This film is horrible, but there are worse...


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Manos: The Hands of Fate is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.