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- 4000 B.C. - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms, resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries.
- 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received.
- 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression.
- 1958 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time, in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In.
- 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City.
- 1986 - AIDS becomes all the rage. Condom sales increase tenfold.
- 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms would increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people.
- 2010 - World's first condom-themed birthday party!
- 2020 - Robotic condoms are invented.
- 2030 - Robotic condoms, sick and tired of copulating with the female genitals turn gay!