Maria Menounos

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Maria Menounos[edit]

Maria Menounos (born June 8, 1978 in Athens, CA as Maria Cutie Menounos, or Maria Cunt Menounos by anti-hellenists) is a Greek-American sexy heterosexual R&B-diva, actress & humanitarian.

Maria’s physical details[edit]

Hair color/Eye color: Black/Brown (She sometimes dyes her hair brown, & in a lesser extent, red, just to avoid racial profiling.

Height: 5’8

Weight: About 120 ibs (her body is very sexy & athletic, she exercises a fucking lot)

Boob size: C-cup (& they’re real, silicone tits are only for blonde white anglo-saxon Protestant Hollywood bitches, while brown & black women are too ethnic, hard-working & mature for that shit).

Ass size: Bigger than J Lo’s ass.

Maria’s parents[edit]

Maria’s parents, Constantinos (father) & Stavroula (mother) were born in the mid 50’s in a small Greek poverty-stricken village along the south coast. They grew up in typical Third World conditions. They migrated to United States (or “U S & A”, as they call it) in the mid 70’s, without any knowledge about the western world. But they assimilated with United States pretty well, thanks to their black neighbors. Unlike most other working-class immigrants, they dressed in western clothing, were able to speak English (even though they sounded like Borat), & fucked a lot (usually every Friday night, & of course, they used condom).

Maria herself[edit]

Maria was born & raised in Athens in South Central. She has a brother, Petros, who is 2 years her junior. Her parents were very hard-working (they were full-time janitors, cleaning bathrooms, & of course, using them as well), earning just enough to support their children (& themselves too, of course). Her parents were also very strict, due to their Greek ethnicity. These were the rules that the siblings had to obey (or else they would be grounded for one week):

  • They were not allowed to date until they were 18, & after their 18th birthday, they had to be heterosexual, & they had to marry a fellow Greek person.
  • They had to attend Greek Orthodox church every Sunday, & they had to sing in the church choir (Petros felt embarrassed about this, he wanted to rap instead, like his black neighbors).
  • They were not allowed to watch TV or play outside before completing homework.
  • They were not allowed to eat while watching TV, they had to eat in the kitchen.
  • They were not allowed to swear until they were 12.
  • They had to get to school in time, & they also had to have good grades.
  • They were not allowed to dye their hair brown, red or blonde (just to look whiter) or get an afro wig (just to look blacker). However, they were allowed to tan themselves on the beach.
  • Maria was not allowed to wear male clothing, pierce herself (except for her earlobs & belly button, of course), shave her head (like Britney), or have tattoos (except for her lower back, of course).
  • Petros was not allowed to wear gay or female clothing, have makeup, have facial hair, shave his head bald, have tattoos, or wear a bandana (cause then, he would look like a gangbanger).

Their parents believed that if they broke all these rules too excessively, they would be ass-raped by Hades in Hell when they die. While Maria was very obedient & sweet, Petros, however, was very rebellious & gangsta. The differences between the 2 siblings (Except for gender) are easily comparable to the differences between Huey & Riley Freeman.

Maria’s education[edit]

Both Maria & her brother attended Greek Orthodox schools, which Petros felt embarrassed about. He wanted to attend the non-religious black schools, so he could smoke weed at the bathrooms. Both siblings learned Greek at those schools. However, their high school was a multi-ethnic non-religious school, where both siblings assimilated themselves with American (mostly black, but also white, sometimes) society. Even though Petros did get in trouble with the law sometimes (like any other ethnic inner-city male youth), both he & his sister graduated in 1996 (while most other students dropped out or got kicked out).

Beauty pageants[edit]

Having graduated from high school, she needed more money for college (UCLA, that is), she decided to compete in Miss Teen California 1996. She earned her sexiness mainly from her parents (specially from her mother, a typical MILF), but also because of her Greek ethnicity, ambitious attitude, maturity & loyality to Greek culture. She won the beauty pageant (she even won Miss Teen USA 1996) & she finally afforded to attend UCLA. Her brother, however, moved out after graduating & sold drugs for a while, just to afford to attend UCLA as well, together with his sister. Both lived in the same dorm. Maria graduated with a bachelors degree in 1999 (her brother graduated 2 years later with the same degree), then she decided to compete in Miss California 1999, & she won again (she even won Miss USA 1999).

Singing career[edit]

Despite being so sexy & so successful in beauty pageants, she still wanted to do something else. She wanted to be a R&B singer. Fortunely, she was already very talented, having sung in the church choir. It didn’t take long until she got discovered & therefore, signed to Capitol Records, one of the biggest records labels in Los Angeles. Petros, however, continued a career as a white-collar upper middle-class person, moving to Baldwin Hills, one of few wealthy gang-free neighborhoods in South Central, yet still very few white people living there. Maria currently lives in the same neighborhood. She has a crib just as beautiful & valuable as the goddess herself.

Acting career[edit]

After a few years of singing, she wanted to do something more than just singing (& in a lesser extent, modeling). She suddently wanted to be an actress. Unfortunely, being a non-white actress in Hollywood is hell, cause most Hollywood films are made up by all-white casts, & takes place in white suburbs, where minority persons are very rare (the white residents live there mainly because they don’t want to live to near poor minorities, aka white flight). Even though most of her characters are of Greek descent (just like the goddess herself), she does have many characters of other Mediterranean ethnicities, such as Italian & Latina, etc. Unfortunely, some of her characters are, in fact, white. She dyed her hair brown to look whiter, & she never tanned herself (however, she kept her eyes brown, but that’s not a big deal).

Humanitarian career[edit]

When she was 10, she went to the Greek village where her parents grew up. She met her grandparents there, among other people that were nearly starving & shit. After a few years of acting, she decided to start a charity organization; Take Action Hollywood. This organization’s mission is to take care of issues of the hood (such as South Central, where she grew up) & the Third World (such as Greece, where her parents came from).

Private life[edit]

Currently, she doesn’t have any relationship, & she’s never had any very serious relationship, & she’s never been married. However, she’s fucked very many times (with mostly Greek men, but even some Latinos & blacks). Like most brown women, she lost her virginity at age 18, & she’s always used condom. She doesn’t have any babies, however, she did babysit her brother Petros a lot (even though he’s only 2 years her junior). Even though she (being raised in the Western World) knew very well that not her nor Petros would get ass-raped by Hades in Hell when they died, she still knew his life woutd be cut short (& therefore get ass-raped by Hades in Hell too damn early) if he joined a gang, therefore she was just as strict as their parents, he had to follow the same rules as usual.


  • She enjoys being fed with Greek cuisine & sweets by her partner (whatever partner it is).
  • She loves sports, & she’s real good at the most mainstream ones.
  • She often wear thongs.
  • She sleeps in underwear (often in thongs), & she sleeps naked after having sex.
  • She once got strapped in a chair by Howard Stern, & he got to tickle her while examinating her, during his radio show.
  • She was the co-hostess for Eurovision Song Contest 2006 because Greece won the year before (2005, that is).
  • Her astrological sign is Gemini.
  • During her teenage years, she had part-time jobs to support her family. However, the jobs were very easy, & they paid less than a celebrity’s kid’s weekly allowance.
  • She was often hit on by fellow Athens native Andy Milonakis, but he was (& still is) too fat & perverted for her.
  • She loves dogs, she has 5 dogs, which she treats like they were her children, like they were human beings. At free time, she collects homeless dogs (so the dog catchers won’t ass-whoop them & put them in the shelter, AKA jail) & sell them.
  • She had her first period only a week after her 12th birthday.
  • She loves to take it up the ass.

External links[edit]