Marie Antoinette

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“She can't have cake”

~ James Schultz on Marie Antoinette

“The secret of surviving any crisis is never losing one´s head”

~ Marie Antoinette on solving troubles

“Bitch shoulda bought that iron scarf I had on sale...”

~ some medieval merchant on Marie Antoinette

“"'And ice cream!!' 'Let them eat cake AND ICE CREAM,' I said!! GET AWAY FROM THAT LEVER! I WANT A CIGARETTE! PUT ON CARTOONS!"”

~ Marie Antoinette laughin' at the Devil.

Marie Antoinette (1899-Present), AKA the sexy bitch,AKA Albert Hue Bumpass was and continues to be a total bitch, but her cakes have made her an international icon. In this way she is similar to Martha Stewart, but in few others.


Born a harlot of the renaissance and a slave to fashion, young Marie was sent to live on the streets, where she learned how tough life could be. She joined the huit neuf six sangs, the french equivalent of the bloods, and immediately learned the finer points of smacking up hos, popping caps in others asses, and, on occasion, the tossing of salad.She was regularly showing up for events bruised up cuz she didn't pay her pimp. The French King was unable to stop these event from occuring, seeing as he was a pimp's bitch as well. even featured on the 11 o'clock news, or as the french called it, "Les 11 heures de nouvelles" for her 24 Kilometer (That's34 light years for those of you still using the english system) chase on horse and buggy. When Marie was imprisoned, she met the king of France. The king of France, being the king of France that he was, decided to make Marie Antoinette his bitch. The two were married November 8, 1692, although we aren't sure if was 1692 BC or 1692 AD. Marie Antoinette also spent lots of money on herself, and as she was a whore, a filthy whore. She spent money on herself, to have sex with herself, we have no idea how this was accomplished, but it is somewhat related to the willpower. If you are un-aware of what 'will power' is, you must play runescape. She was also rumoured to have spent 1.6 million livres on a necklace, which was later to be found out to be made of plastic, she lol'd in real life, then killed some noobs. This was called the diamond necklace affair, often confused with the affair with the diamond necklace, which was another scandal she managed to get her wrinkled,overaged ass into.

Life as the Queen[edit]

Desperately in need of babies to feed the French public's appetite for newborn flesh, French King Louis XVI forced Marie into marriage, the alternative being a guest spot on Who's the Boss?. However as it turned out King Louis XVI suffered from arousal dysfunction and did not have a child until he was treated for it several years later. During the time before being treated Marie grew very bitter about their marriage and went through an emo phase in which some of her more Alice in Wonderland, macabre styles if you will developed. She began feverishly baking cakes, and when asked at the Miss Universe competition what her one wish was for the world, she responded with her now famous 'Let them eat cake!', otherwise known as the slogan that spawned 1000 restaurants. Not to be confused with the slogan that started 1000 divorces, 'Today is gonna be a changing day in your life!' Cake sales went up immidiately, and by only a very narrow margin was Marie unable to bolster the French economy enough to prevent the French Revolution. This attempt at stopping the spread of Democracy put Marie on the Hollywood Blacklist as a Communist supporter, and she was stoned by Senator Palpatine. Marie is now the patron saint of Columbia, always ensuring a good cocaine harvest. She has been noted to return to Sleepy Hollow occasionally, and rides a horse. (Headless Horseman reference LOL)

The Truth[edit]

Marie Antoinette was actually a virgin and not a whore.

Being Austrian by birth she made Strudel and not cake (The cake is a lie), the unfortunate cake phrase was a result of her very poor grasp of the French language. She actually meant to say "Piss off, you peasant cuntstain, how dare you look at me. . . I am the queen of France, who the fuck are you?" Unfortunately this phrase has been lost in translation.