Marik Ishtar

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search


Marik Ishtar
Marik in Bakura's mind.
Marik in Bakura's mind.
Background information
Also known as N/A
Born December 23rd, age 17.
Origin Cairo, Egypt, Egypt, Africa
Genre(s) Pop
J-Rock
Occupation(s) Musician: Singer, Actor, Duelist, Tombkeeper, Villain.
Instrument(s) the Millenium Rod/Sennen Rod
Years active 2000–present
Label(s) LittleKuriboh Records
Associated acts None.
Website LittleKuriboh Records Home.


“That shade of lavender is simply fabulous.”

~ Pegasus on Marik's slutty hood thing

“He's freaking Charles MANSON!”

~ Yugi on Marik

“He is the gay one!”

~ Marik on his alter ego, Melvin

“Oh, the squiggly yellow lines, they burn!”

~ Hank Ishtar on getting killed by Marik's alter ego, Melvin

“Nope, I am definitely an asshole.”

~ Odion on impersonating Marik

“NOT HELPING, ODION!”

~ Marik on the above quote


Marik Ishtar is a severely demented teenage duelist from Egypt, who had planned to take over the world using an army of Steves, an ancient Egyptian aqua globe with wings (the Millenium Rod), and children's card games. Using the Millenium Rod, Marik frequently possesses/inhabits the minds of other people, including "Bandit" Keith Steve Howard, Steve the Mime, Joey Steve Wheeler, Téa Steve Gardener, Steve Buscemi, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and Bakura. Marik happens to be a batshit crazy schizophrenic with a split personality named Melvin. He also is prone to invent drinking games that horribly fail and get you blown up, break into song (usually by either Styx or Ben E. King, though he did do a rap with Seto Kaiba), hold Evil Councils of Doom (which also fail), and repeatedly attempt to defeat the Pharaoh. He never does.

Early Life[edit]

Marik was the youngest of the Ishtar family, a group of mole peopletombkeepers whose lifelong duty was to protect the secrets of the Pharaoh. Disappointed that all he had for a son was Odion, the fake wannabe adopted son he hated, Hank Ishtar somehow manipulated his wife Veronica's ovaries to magically pop up the baby she was hiding. It was a girl, which was unimportant to Hank, who Veronica named Ishizu. Somehow before dying, Veronica spontaneously gave birth to another child. This baby was Marik, which made Hank happy to no end. In triumph he held his son toward the distant moonlight that showed through a hole in the underground hole they lived in while his wife proceeded to croak on a stone tabletop. Before dying, she forced the unimportant adopted child Odion to promise to make sure Marik did not turn into a total douchebag (it happened anyway).

Growing up, Marik enjoyed such past times as Underground Ancient Egyptian Basketball. However, while playing one day with Odion, he was bit by Hank's cobra, Cornelius. This wasfollowed by Odion killing Cornelius to protect his little brother. Discovering that his beloved pet snake was killed, Hank swiftly whipped Odion into submission.

“I loved him like the son I never had, until I had one!”

~ Hank Ishtar on death of Cornelius

Soon after, Marik discovered that Hank had decided to give him the Tombkeeper's Initiation. This terrified Marik to no end, because it involved CGI chihuahuas and having a tattoo carved into his back with a hot knife. Marik fought against the Initiation with all his might. He even knocked over Odion's soup in a hissy fit. Unfortunately he had to go through with it, leading to the conception of Melvin. However, Melvin did not surface until a trip out of the basement and into the real world. Marik convinced Ishizu to sneak him out (Odion fluffed a pillow so Hank would not notice) of the underground hole, and explored a swap meet. It was during this swap meet that he decided he wanted a motorcycle, collected yaoi, and wanted a T.V (he liked the "Kill Your Family" show). But they did not have these luxuries underground, which pissed Marik off. So when he was going to get his ass kicked by Hank for disobeying, he turned into Melvin. Melvin grabbed the whip like a total Jedi and proceeded to kill Hank by stabbing him in the lung 049760937609348 times and then skinning him. Melvin also tried to kill Odion but the gummy bears stopped him. The events that had transpired made Marik hate the Pharaoh with a burning passion, and by extension, Yugi Mutou (whose last name he cannot pronounce, and always calls him Motou).

Battle City Tournament[edit]

Can I have a hug?

Seto Kaiba decided he wanted the Egyptian God Cards, but he could not buy them for some inexplicable reason and proceeded to throw a huge tournament in which people would play children's card games in order to steal really good cards. This caught Marik's attention, since he guessed that Yugi would be there due to his rivalry with Kaiba and his title as King of Games. Which pissed off Marik even more, so he grabbed his army of Steves (the Rare Hunters), hijacked a boat, and sailed to Domino City, Japanamerica. Under the guise of Malik Blishtar, he proceeded to make mindslaves of every Steve he could find. During his quest he met Bakura, who had hunted him down using the Millenium Ring Gaydar. They soon became partners, due to their similar goal: destroy the Pharaoh. However, he got his ass handed to him by Melvin during a duel, after Melvin had completely taken over his body and Marik moved into Bakura's body. Melvin was the 4Kids Spy who had cancelled Team Four Star, and had continued on to (sort of) cancel Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series.

Marik's Evil Council of Doom[edit]

During Battle City, Marik held several (three) Evil Councils of Doom within his basement hole in Egypt. Those in attendance were Maximillion Pegasus, Bakura, Rex, Weevil, Bonz aka Zombie Boy, Sid, Zygor, Akhenaden (Bob), Dan Green,Zorc,and Ronald McDonald. However, these were often interrupted by Dartz and his henchmen, Alister, Valon and Raphael. These each failed horribly.

Musical Career[edit]

Recent knowledge indicates Marik is actually very fond of music, particularly singing. A string of videos have been leaked onto YouTube proving this. It is rumoured that Marik is secretly a member of a boy band, though the name of the boy band has not been divulged. This group includes Bakura, whose stagename is Florence, Melvin, Kaiba, and Yami.

"I'm on a Blimp"[edit]

“I'm on a blimp, motherfucka, in the fucking sky.”

~ Marik is on a blimp

Seto Kaiba won a trip for three on a blimp ride, in which he took Rebecca Hawkins and Marik. They continued to make a rap out of their experience, cleverly titled "I'm on a Blimp". The lyrics can be found here, and the lame censored video can be found here.

"Out There"[edit]

Recently, a home video was leaked onto YouTube concerning Marik's childhood. It's a touching duet between Marik and his father, concerning Marik's desire to venture to the outside world above. However, Hank does not like the world, because it is gay and stupid. A musical argument ensues. In the end, Bakura still does not care, and Marik is temporarily blinded by seeing the sun for the first time.

"Leather Pants"[edit]

In an attempt to overthrow the Pharaoh, Marik and Bakura do the impossible and steal Yami's leather pants. However, their attempt is worthless, since Yami divulges the true secret of his power: his leather shoes. This drives Marik mad, because, well, they stole Yugi's pants for nothing. Bakura will not give them back. Their entire pursuit is sung to the tune of "Bad Romance" by intergalactic pop star Lady Gaga, and the video is not suited for young children. There is some Marik exposure.

"Leather Shoes"[edit]

Marik is also featured in Yami's spin-off song of "Leather Pants", which is called Leather Shoes. The song "Leather Shoes" disproves Marik's claim that he is actually Lady Gaga, but is rather Beyonce. This is not racism, this is fact.

"YGOTAS! Sails Away"[edit]

There just aren't any words to describe this.

Trivia[edit]

  • Marik has once used the Millenium Rod as a bong.
  • He is not gay, contrary to what everyone in the world believes. (Yes he is.)
  • His entire name is an ego trip.
  • He is a Styx fan.
  • Marik once tried to brainwash all Steves into creating a Facebook fan page for turtles named Lawrence.
  • Marik is Egyptian, not Japanese.

See Also[edit]