| This article needs liposuction!
|This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust |
your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!
“After a hard day of work, there's nothing I like more than to go home to that smooth, satisfying taste of a Marlboro cigarette”
“In Soviet Russia, cigarette smokes YOU!!”
Marlboro is a brand of Llama flavoured cigarette. Unlike normal cigarettes, Marlboros are extremely unhealthy. This is because Marlboros contain llama fur and are filtered by human toenails. Normal cigarettes contain tobacco — a substance proven to help you lose weight and feel good. Tobacco also contains many essential vitamins and nicotines. Studies have found that llama flavoured cigarettes don't actually make you feel better at all and recently hippies have campaigned to have them banned after they were found to increase suicide rates amongst emo goth kids. Marlboro retaliated against the hippies by genetically engineering marijuana to taste like llama.
The Marlboro company was founded by Papa Smurf in 1969 with aim of making the best damn cupcakes money could buy. Unfortunately it was the sixties and the only people around were hippies. Hippies were unwilling to buy any sort of baked goods except for brownies. The company soon failed and was placed into chapter 11 bankruptcy. The failing company was bought by Cobra Commander in hopes of converting it into a factory for his evil weather control devices. These weather control devices were remarkably successful and are to blame for global warming. They worked by killing pirates thus angering the flying spaghetti monster and thereby inducing global warming. Unfortunately for Cobra Commander his previous partners the perennially pissed off PMS-ing Penguins were profoundly proselytising prophet Pastafarians. CC's sacrilege against the noodly god induced the penguins to take over the operations of the Marlboro company. They saw an opportunity to eliminate their hated llama enemies once and for all. Thus they decided to pervert the wholesome invention of the cigarrette into something twisted and evil. By turning llamas into cigarettes the penguins hoped to avenge their defeat at the hands of the llamas and at the same time kill humanity by inducing liver cancer. A few years later Cobra Commander admitted to his homosexuality.
The process of turning cigarettes, the healthiest food, into llama death sticks was a complex one. Firstly the essential vitamins found in cigarettes were replaced with llama fur. Llama fur is highly toxic in order to protect the llamas from predators such as mice and Norwegian medical students. In order to safely handle such large amounts of toxic llama fur the penguins captured a large number of Swedish people and forced them to work as slaves. This had the added benefit of allowing the penguins to collect the discarded toenail clippings for use as filters.
The next important step in the process was bribing all the livers in the world to turn cancerous when provided with nicotine. Livers are evil organs that are easily bribed with promises of vodka. Vodka is the legal tender in liver land which is where all livers go once they have killed their hosts. This step was necessary because nicotine is so strongly bonded to cigarettes that it is impossible to remove. This was done because god recognised the health benefits of nicotine and did not want it to be removed by fiery fundamentalists.
And the most important, but the least known, the Marlboro give diarrhoea.
Marlboro cigarettes adopted a two pronged marketing strategy. The first step was to hire a cowboy to smoke their cigarettes. This step was important because cowboys are the only thing cooler than ninjas (and vice-versa). Small children who saw the cowboy would correctly assume that the cowboy was cool and that therefore smoking Marlboros were also cool. Unfortunately no cowboy could be found that was uncool enough to promote evil cigarettes so instead they tortured a gay clown until he was willing to pretend to be a cowboy.
The second part of their nefarious marketing strategy was to ensure that the competing brands of cigarettes were advertised by a paedophile camel. The camel farted and was willing to do this because he was jealous of the success of llamas.
Llama fur cigarettes cause cancer of the liver. They also cause you to dislike normal cigarettes thus depriving you of the only substance known to cure cancer. Toenail clippings are surprisingly healthy. They contain important keratins and youth giving toejams. Unfortunately smoking them removes these health benefits. This has led people to think that toenail biting is somehow wrong and disgusting. This is far from the truth. Toenail biting is actually an excellent way to fight the ravages of age. It also cleans your teeth and gives you great flexibility in the sack.
The Modern Day
Eventually people started dying of liver cancer and it seemed as if the penguins would succeed in their plan to destroy humanity. Luckily leftist llama lawyers discovered the plan and sued Marlboro and protested to the surgeon general. The marlboro company went bankrupt. Unfortunately the surgeon general was too stupid to realise the difference between marlboros and good cigarettes and thus put the warning on all cigarettes. This has led to the misconception that cigarettes are bad for you. The decline in smoking is a leading cause of lung cancer and obesity. Only by encouraging children to smoke from an early age can parents combat the rise of chronic illness. In developing countries where smoking is popular high blood pressure, obesity and cancer are almost non existent.