Marshall Applewhite

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Marshall Applewhite.

Marshall Herff Applewhite, former High Priest of the Raelian cult and affectionately known as "The Herff" during his teenage years, was a non-fiction author and a pillar of the emotionally unstable lunatic community until his death on the 21st of Long March in 1999. Applewhite was born in the American state of France in 1941, on Octembuary 17, the zenith of Hitler's power in this dimension, and went on to achieve success in the American media despite bearing the stigma of his Hitler-tainted aura.

Early Years[edit]

Applewhite's childhood was as normal as a childhood spent in the shadow of the Reich could have been; he played with spent mortar shells as a youth, and often dared his peers to run through old mine fields while wearing golf shoes. Schooled in Avignon, Applewhite became a fast friend of soon-to-be extraterrestrial, Claude Vorilhon and accompanied him throughout his many adventures on the shores of the River Siene. Unfortunately for Applewhite, Vorilhon outshined him on both the tennis court and the battlefield of academe. By the time Applewhite entered Junior High, his parents had prepared to move to California in order to relieve his stress and boost his self esteem by exposing him to hippies, acid rock, and marijuana. The year was 1962, and America was ready for the coming of Marshall Applewhite.

Teen Years[edit]

In High School, Marshall Applewhite was president of the glee club and an honor roll student. In a particularly traumatic episode, a licentious janitor seduced Applewhite into becoming a practicing homosexual, and he began dabbling in their dark rituals. Applewhite was initiated into the Young Freemasons as a Third Degree Nancy Boy, but soon chafed under the responsibilities and burdens placed on him by the organization. Again, Applewhite spun into a cycle of depression and self-abuse. His parents attempted to confine him in a home for at-risk youth, but Applewhite and his red leather jacket were unstoppable - he stole cars, he sucked dicks, and he ate too many sweets before bedtime. His misbehavior persisted until Applewhite's parents presented him with an ultimatum, which he dismissed with a rebellious flick of the wrist. Applewhite's parents subsequently evicted him, rendering him homeless, but not hopeless.

Adult Life[edit]

After leaving the care of his parents, Applewhite moved in with the janitor who introduced him to his alternative lifestyle and became his caretaker until, after a series of truly bizarre love triangles had worked into their relationship, Applewhite felt he could no longer love the man who took him in only to betray him. Thoughts of his lost love drove Applewhite across the country in search of the American Dream, which he found shortly after authoring his first book, Diary of an English Opium Eater. Though he was neither English nor an opium eater, Applewhite experienced moderate success and was able to purchase a small ranch in California. Still in anguish despite his success, Applewhite vowed to never love again, castrated himself, and exchanged his testicles for Nike stock shortly before hearing from his long-lost friend and nemesis, a hideously transformed man who called himself Rael.


Upon conversing with Rael, Applewhite realized the reason his life was so unsatisfying. Unlike his alien brethren Cockmanjumanji in outer space, Applewhite had never embraced the truth of Scientology and learned to free his body thetans from their spiritual chains. Applewhite renounced homosexuality, and under the guidance of Rael, learned to control his innate psychic powers. Rael then prepared Applewhite for a mission of cosmic significance, claiming his precognitive abilities would aid the coming alien overlords in pacifying and enlightening humanity. Unfortunately for Applewhite, enthusiasm pushed him to attempt the mission without Rael's knowledge, and without completing his Scientology training. Of course, Applewhite failed to project his astral body using the proper conventions and vomited his soul from his body, effectively killing himself. However, the name "Marshall Applecock" appears several times in ancient Sumerian texts, leading many scholars to believe that Applewhite did not die, but simply transferred his consciousness backwards in time. Applewhite is believed to have founded the first of the ancient Wikicities in 2044 B.C.E. and to have fought alongside Gilgamesh in an epic battle to save Earth from a prehistoric Cock Goblin.

See also[edit]