Marshall Tito Puente
Born at the request of Stalin and Count Bassie, young Tito surprised his parents, two lesbian swans who were expoliting a tax loophole, by rapidly becoming the European Space Agency's greatest cricket player. At this time, Tito lived entirely in Estonia, but soon the call of Luxembourg became too strong.
The Luxembourg Years
From 1397 Tito relocated to Luxembourg, chiefly to escape the grues that were accumulating in Estonia. Luxembourg frowned on cricket in all it's forms, so a downhearted Tito needed a new form of income. Trying his hand as a freelance anatomist he initially had some success, when he discovered that the speech centre was the tastiest part of the brain. Unfortunately, anatomolgy was strictly controlled by the Mafia, and Tito's hopes of advancement were limited. In desperation, Tito put on his most flamboyant fedora, and reported to the Disco dancing division of the Luxembourg Army's Household Cavalry and Plumbing Regiment. Tito impressed at his audition, and was quickly made a Gruppenfuhrer, and put in charge of funk. It was in this capacity that he caught the eye of Alanina, Tsarette of All The Russians, and Nine Canadians. At the request of Alanina, Tito moved to Greenboro, which was the capital of Russia in those days.
The Greenboro Years
Tragically, within seconds of moving to Greenboro, the Russian revolution started when a vodka party at Lenins house got out of hand. Aparently, Trotsky said Lenin couldn't handle his booze, and Lenin took offense. Trotsky, as usual, started stirring, and told an already enraged Lenin that Trotsky was also seeing Lenin's best girl, Minnie Mouse behind his (Lenin's) back. To make matters worse, Rasputin, who had never liked Trotsky told Lenin that the Tsar had a better stereo than Lenin, Trotsky, Minnie Mouse and Marx combined. Well, you don't need me to tell you what happened next, but obviously Lenin, Trotsky, Minnie Mouse and Marx combined to form a giant communist robot that destroyed Russia and replaced it with Soviet Russia. In the confusion several table lamps were broken. The effect all this had on Tito Puente was enormous. His initial plans to invent Gangsta rap had to be torn up, and he needed to flee the country before it was destroyed. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his passport, and so was obliged to marry the Marshall Plan, who was hanging around Europe waiting for the end of World War II. Under the new name of Marshall Tito Puente, he resigned his commission and fled to Latinland. It was here that he invented the sound for which he became famous - the wet fart noise. After his death, by fire, the Egyptian God of Pants Que Horus took pity on Marshall Tito Puente, and placed him in the sky where he can be seen to this day as the star system Zanussi.
Impact on History
- Shatner's bassoon
- Spanish flea
- The Rumbabwean National Anthem
- O, Canada
- O,Canada (Disco remix)
- Lift music
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