Martyr

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A person whose only achievement in life is dying a pointless and futile death. (also known as a Muslim)

Frequently asked questions about martyrs[edit]

  • Am I a martyr?
No.
  • Ow, C'mon, I have sufered a lot in my life, My girlfriend has had five abortions (none mine) and I have gonorrhea, syphilis and a chronic stutter.
No, you aren't.
  • But aren't martyrs people who suffer a lot?
No, you have the wrong definition, You're a pussy who can't take the heat.
  • How can I be a martyr?
Nobody can put his or her mind on being a martyr, It's only after death that one can be determined a martyr.
  • But there is a fuckin' verb; 'martyrize'
That is not a question.
  • Ow... Can't I martyrize myself?
No.
  • But I want to be a martyr really really bad!
Well, your sweet old momma bullshitted you when she told you that you can be anything you want if you put your mind on it. You can't be a martyr by your own behalf.
  • Ok, you win, how are martyrs elected?
Well, If you die and demonstrate my point, no matter how mind-numbingly stupid it is, you can be one.
  • I don't get it, can you gimme an example?
Well, That chick Saint Agnes got raped and burned alive and she was a martyr just because her mom wrote five hundred million letters to the newspapers and the Vatican. Her mom argued that wouldn't have happened had she eaten her broccoli.
  • So, if my mom started a letter campaign she would have me made a martyr?
You're catchin' on! There is nothing you can't accomplish by writing a five hundred million letters!
  • I heard martyrs get all the chicks and get laid every day like a gazillion times, Is that true?
You're a fuckin' idiot.