Marxism

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Contrary to what anyone may expect of this page, none of the Marx Brothers were involved in Marxism, so you fuckers who thought this would be a paint-by-numbers pages can go suck your own dicks. Marxism was in fact founded by Karl Marx as a defense against Oprah, then known as Cetshwayo, the Zulu King. Oprah/Cetshwayo had declared war on Marx (at that time known affectionately by his friends as "Karly-Boy") for the youthful indiscretion of attempting to assassainate Isaac Newton, Oprah's slave who had recently risen from the grave as a zombie to devour the brains of the living. Marxism taught its followers an amalgamation of the world's deadliest martial arts, such as ninjutsu, kung fu and fucking your mother, particularly the last one, which was considered at the time to be a serious military tactic, instead of just a damn good time. Unfortunately, the Marxist rebels were defeated in a cataclysmic battle that destroyed much of the know world, especially Canada, but excepting Canadia, which managed to construct a super forcefield around itself powered by eucalyptus bushes. CAKE

Basic Teachings[edit]

Marxism, as well as being a system of martial arts, also is a minor religion, though it is not recognized as such by any group or body, including the author and yourself. Its specific brand of religious teachings could be described in many ways, nearly all of which are incorrect. One way is as a sort of cross between pastafarianism and Liberache idolization. Marxism doesn't actually make any sense at all although its followers keep furiously trying to convince themselves that it does. Most people who have very impressive surrounding degrees in exactly this sort of thing may disagree with the author on this point, but they only think this is wrong because The Man is feeding them lies.

Marxism is highly sympathetic to and fronts the cause of several different kinds of humanitarian ideology. Among the causes endorsed by Marxists are lobotomy, laughing at starving children, enslavement of anyone wearing octagonal glasses, Imprisonment and genocide of chipmunks, causing general mischief and suffering to all human beings and French cooking, which is why all Marxists exude a lethal aroma of rotten garlic. It is assumed that this obsession with the French cuisine stems from the fact that Marx invented Communism in France in 67 BCE, when he published his magnum opus "Raw Snails in a Rather Disgusting Pile of Vomit: A History of 19th Century Roadkill Accidents" under the pseudonym of Mar X. Marx, at the time a renowned serial rapist, decided to form a party based on his obsession with Garlic and snails in 2578 CE, throwing a huge party for all his LSD-tripping friends where the main attraction was the flogging of baby seals. The result was the first Communist political party, and the symbol they adopted was that of the "garlic and the snail", not the sickle and hammer as widely believed.

Marxism would be flawless if the working-classes weren't too stupid, racist, and poor to direct their anger towards their bourgeoisie capitalist overlords, as well as Lord Xenu. Workers also struggle to fund a revolution because they spend all their money on lottery tickets, and vodka so they can get drunk with their Russian friends and complain that the revolution is taking too long in coming.

Why You Should Follow Marxism[edit]

There are two main arguments for this, both of which hold significant weight and have no effective rebuttals. The first, and more obvious, is that walking the Path of Marx will make you a l33t n1nj4, due to the extreme (to the max) training regimen imposed on the trainees. The second, and by far the more eloquent and powerful argument can be summed up in the following words: "Do what I say because I said it!" It is believed by some that Karl Marx used this exact argument to gain most, if not all, of his initial followers. Of course, popular opponents of the second argument say it's only a valued argument if the speaker is holding a gun or a herring to the listener's head. If the gun is fired and you lose half your brain but keep on living you are an official Marxist. If the herring is the same herring used by King Arthur to cut down the largest tree in the forest at the bidding of the Knights whi say Ni then you may sell it on eBay and become a millionaire, though some may argue that this would then make you a capitalist and disqualify you from any Marxist proceedings.

How To Learn Marxism[edit]

Marxism takes a commercial turn.

As a martial art, Marxism is unrivalled, but writings on this specific section of Marxism are rare and hard to find. As luck would have it, however, your local library happens to have a copy. Unfortunately, the manuscript is being guarded by librarians, who have been brainwashed by Oprah and are unwittingly doing her evil bidding. In order to convince them to give you the writings, you must first ask them for the manuscript. They will say "no", but you must insist that the writings are in fact there, and that you want them. As soon as they let slip any evidence they have the sacred document, you must beat them into unconsciousness to free them from Oprah's evil curse. Next, you must raid the basement, which will have a secret door opened either by pulling a specific book or knocking over a specific set of shelves. Behind the door you will see the manuscript on top of a podium. You must avoid the laser security system, grab the document, and then get to a safe place before Oprah's secret police, the Gestapo arrive. On the way out, you must fight several ninjas dispatched to kill you, and then fight the giant Mecha Nader. In order to kill him, you must punch him in the large, green button on his chest marked "Weak point, please do not touch, thanks for your cooperation." If you are still alive, you may now learn the forbidden art.

Marxist interpretation of Harry Potter[edit]

Accio means of production!

Much discussion has exposed JK Rowling as an obvious Marxist, attempting to pollute the minds of our youth with Communist propaganda. The "pure-blood" Slytherins represent the aristocracy, who believe that "magic" (i.e. capital) should be in the hands of a privileged elite. The "clever" Ravenclaws represent the bourgeoisie, who collude with the aristocracy in the suppression of the petty-bourgeois Hufflepuffs and the proletarian house-elves. The brave Gryffindors (whose house colors are red and gold) and Dumbledore's Army represent the Red Army, the true army of the proletariat.

Dumbledore, with his voluminous white beard, obviously stands for Karl Marx, while Lord Voldemort stands for Tsar Nicholar II. Lucius Malfoy is an obvious candidate for Rasputin. Harry Potter's glasses and untidy black hair make him identical to Leon Trotsky. Harry's lightning-bolt scar is in reference to the fatal head wound inflicted on Trotsky by Ramón Mercader with an ice pick. Harry survives this attack, just as the Totskyist ideal has survived in Rowling's twisted Commie mind.

The above is all true.