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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mascot.
Keggy the Keg of Dartmouth fame making some new friends...or is something more sinister going on?
A mascot in full power mode to humilliate players

The Job[edit]

A mascot(or trademark king) was created by an unknown team of players and their director in 1816, a year before the construction of the city of Toledo. It was made by mixing clay, salt water, pepper, a bucket of the players' stinking sweat and jesus geezus(rare material which allows the user to go out of his body and control other peoples' mind) in a giant mixer. Its creation was mainly to distract the attention of opposing players in the other team, but upon creation, much to the director's surprise, saw that the mascot could laugh at the players, taunt them, insult them and humilliate them so much that they became mentally unstable. To show their loyalty towards the players and the director, the mascot will force each opposing player to crack under tremendous humilliating pressure, resulting in a brain-numbing paralysis (see mental) on the part of the latter. The mascot feels a sadistic pleasure and weirdly satisfying the director in the process.

The effect[edit]

When the mascot cracks the player, their mental supports crumble and shatter and their tiny brain falls and clangs noisily inside their glutious maximas, leaving the players in a reduced state. In this reduced state, the opposing players are easily manipulated, having lost all sense of time and self-worth. They have to be sent to the mental hospital to live out the rest of their miserable days as post-traumatic patients receive treatments. Due to the rare geezus used, the mascot gains the ability to become inanimated after the match, get out of its body and go into the patients' (ex. players) dream and taunt them infinitely. This taunting carries the patients from being mentally unstable to mentally explosive.

(please note that mentally explosive patients are converted into towel-heads recruited by the iRaquian army* due to their highly explosive behaviour to make them better people.

  • N.B if you were a player previously tortured by a mascot, and you see some funny people with 1 metre beards, having towels wrapped around their heads and carrying 1000,000Tb ipods(NEW!!with 72-gay virgins sensual touch for suicide bombers), RUN!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! They are going to make you become explosively unstable!!

{Known towel-head George Shrub 47 was used during Benazir Bhutto's attack}. The world's greatest idiot,i.e. George Bush, working with the CIA prevented the news to leak out as George Shrub 47 was the clone of George Bush himself.

Details of George Shrub 47(GS47): GS47 was a project initiated by the CIA to see if the world's greatest idiot could be used for deadly assaults against democratical parties. They found George Bush suitable, made a clone, sent it to be tortured by mascots, and finally killed Benazir Bhutto in an "explosion". While The Jollibee Mascot's female Counterpart Jollibella killed him. and so Jollibee and Jollibella are bees in explosion. BOOM!

Mascots job in College[edit]

Mascots in college team up with cheerleaders to create a better effect of distracting opposing players. When on their own, the cheerleaders always sing annoyingly in a high pitched voice (slightly affecting the brain), show their asses, boobs or ugly pubic hair to distract the players. Unfortunately, players of both teams get uncomfortably distracted and the match always end in a draw. The director decided to let the mascot intervene. The mascot carries his job as usual, giving his players a BIG advantage as the opposing players get distracted AND destroyed while the others are only distracted.

Unique ability[edit]

Mascots from different regions or country get different abilities. This is not understood by the creators themselves, as they are all dead. Strangely, all of them has the "go out of body" ability which gives them the possibility to haunt taunt the player. The most lethal ability is possessed by The Chemical Baron of Russia High School, who can send magnetic vibrations of polonium atoms in the brain of the players. But others argue that the 24 Second Bauer is more dangerous as he will not only shatter a player's brain, but also shatter all the fingers, joints and bones.

Deadly enemies[edit]

Micheal Jackson the clown giving a pep talk before the match

Mascots are the natural enemy of clowns. Clowns are used as a counter measure against the mascots, cancelling the effect of the job the latter is doing, and making it more difficult to satisfy the satanic desires of the director. Mascots have the natural ability to scare children and damage athletic brains, unlike the clown, who loves children a lot and is Michael Jackson in disguise. Michael Jackson's The clown's job is to protect the children and scare off the mascots only during the match.

Some famous mascots include:[edit]

  • Brutus the Browneye, the Ohio State University
Has special lazer to see how much mental support is left
  • Anna and Abigail Sity(2 Sisters),1951 free family event
The team saw it your help?
  • Misha, 1980 olympics
She attraccted the players too!
  • Ingrid Ibee, Ibee
The Player is left if she is it!
  • Hamm's Beer Bear-Hamm's Brewery-Discontinued
Players knew it!
  • Keggy the Keg, Dartmouth College
Gives the opposing players a strong urge for beer, diverting their attention completely
  • Buffalo Bell
The players hate her when she`s in France.
  • Aunt Jemima, Aunt Jemima
Players come here to her!
  • Birdie The Earlybird,McBreakfast-Discontinued
Every player gets her breakfast. but the players say no but it can but she is just a little lone for it..She and her husband won the McDonald's 60th annual McBitching McFucker awards
  • Betty Crocker, Betty Crocker
She taught about Her baseball team
  • McChucka The Clucker, Chicken McNuggets replacing the mcnugget buddies
He Said it too much with players. he also has a female counterpart named McChicki too.
  • Luxo Jr., Pixar
Don't need it!
  • Izzy, 1996 Atlanta Olympic Bombing
Players feel dizzy when insulted and humilliated, losing their (physical and mental) balance
  • The Duke Blue Angel, Dutchess University
Players start to feel cold, their mind becoming blue (not to forget private parts too!)
  • Elmo, Sesame Street
All players are attracted to fluffy stuffs, lethal effect in presence of cheerleaders, mild effect when alone
  • The 24 Second Bauer, White House School
If ever you are going to play against the school, RUN!! he will crack you in 24 seconds. he will proceed to cracking all your fingers too
  • Gliz and Neve, 2006 Winter Olympics
Players:Take Time
  • Dot and Dash, PBS Kids
  • Jollibee, Jollibee
He is the main mascot of Jollibee or Insane king to Jollibee.The players said they limited us from the team so Jollibee said to hetty i knew her! She is an ICE academy student.
  • Hetty Spaghetti, Jolly Spaghetti
Hetty is an ICE academy student or a Jollifucker. If you say it. SHIT! She Fucked her as her last chance..I'm thinking her up on her Holidays for her family.
  • Haakon and Kristin,1994 Winter Olympics
Players think haakon and his sister kristin hopefully get their poly back...thanks for playing!
  • Singaling, Wee Sing
Ever wish it was a team................................................however!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Russia High School's mascot and players
  • Deena, Autumnn Products
She plays the Team
  • The Chemical Baron, Russia High School
This mascot sends a magnetic mail containing polonium virus to the players when insulting them
  • Emma The Ranger, Whipers
She talks like her daughter Mischa how to play
  • Spiderman, Lost Angles
he is the worst mascot ever. he just throws sticky strings on you. Can you imagine being covered in white sticky goo? EWWW!!

Media Controversy[edit]

As the media does not read uncyclopedia, they are not well informed, and proceeded to put thorns and pricks in the Mascot wheel. Believe it or not, it got crushed immediately. The thorns were crushed and ok, but the pricks suffered considerably. Lilly Allen, a sneaky journalist managed to interview Sir Georgie Dubya Clinton, the director of White House School, an academ.

LA- Sir isn't using mascots a bit dangerous? regarding the facts on the high explosion rates
GDC- No way i assure you the whole country, school and players are enjoying it. By the way, i'll let you into a little secret, the players are converted into towel heads, blasting soldiers in iraq!! isn't it great??!
LA- NO people are dying and about the mascots... are you guys really sure it is safe?
GDC- Yes yes it is! our young students are forced to experience such torturing joyful moments and having fun. Come on you not gonna try to stop this are you?
LA-What?! mean making students mentally explosive is bad, very bad... they hardly smile after confronting the mascot!!
GDC-So you are going to stop us then... well, it was an honour ordering your death through my mascot talking to you. now if u excuse me, my mascot has a work to do. adios amigos!!

and then, on Georgie Dubya Clinton's order, 24 Second Bauer cracks every single bone in the poor sneaky journalist, makes her smile and dump her

Did You Know That?[edit]

  • the rate of divorce among directors is 100% because its the mascot satisfying sexual desires instead of the wives?
  • people assume they saw mascots coming from UFOs and some have been abducted and experimented on?
  • NASA provided Area-51 with the rare geezus?
  • the directors ordered Area-51 to give them geezus?
    • i will be killed for pointing finger at Area-51?
      • my death will be a cover-up just like all other death in the world?
  • terrorists are retired mascots living underground because they are ashamed of themselves?
  • politicians encourage making of mascots, so when retired they become terrorists?
    • and then they can enjoy themselves in a game of warfare?
      • Waat? they can then make bad-ass weapons that can destroy Earth?