Maserati

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It's the world's best potato murderer.
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Maserati.

The full history of the Maserati car species has been put into a pocket sized bestseller entitled Car Wars. Get your copy now!

Secret Origins[edit]

Ed's body before he was dumped into the sea

The beginnings of the Maserati species can be traced back to the Jurassic era, when cars were a new-fangled invention and motorsport was slower than a tranquilized turtle.

The first Maserati, named Ed, was the one of two twins born of famous Fiat parents and joined at the fuel tank. It was blue, gentle-looking and gave a friendly low-rev purr. The other twin, named Enzo, was aggressively styled, red, and gave a loud high-rev growl. Enzo would later go on to become the first Ferrari. The doctor told the twins' parents that if the babies remained joined, they would consume too much fuel and both would die of thirst. The only solution was to separate the twins. But this meant that only one could have the fuel tank and the other one would perish. Being Fiats, the parents did the stupid thing and let Enzo live based on the fact that he was red. They dumped Ed in the sea.

Soon, everyone had forgotten that Ed had even existed. Fact became legend, legend became myth, and myth became lost from the memories of even the wisest of cars like Škoda and Honda.

The comeback[edit]

The big blue monster

One day, as if out of a soft white cotton tissue, an enormous blue monster about three stories tall emerged from off the Italian coast. With a mighty step it thundered onto the land. It asked a shocked passer-by where its former parents, the two Fiat idiots were, and headed in that direction.

The monster saw a large crowd gathering to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Fiats, with his former brother Enzo leading the proceedings. It stopmed up to the Fiats who were happily saying hi to everyone and strangled them both, one in each hand. Then, just as quickly as it came, it was gone, back into the polluted Italian waters.

The War[edit]

A casualty.

What had been going on with Ed all this while was that, against all odds, he survived the separation because he had a smaller backup fuel tank behind his engine. While in the sea, he was found by a dude named Neptune, who raised him along with his other kids in Atlantis, cared for him and taught him the ways of war. Neptune sympathized with Ed because he had suffered similar rejection from his parents.

When Ed grew up, Neptune allowed him to marry one of his daughters. A new Maserati was soon born, powerful like Neptune and Bitter like Ed, the new Maserati, named Zonda, grew into a land dwelling beast who bred with local cars and created a whole fleet of Maseratis. Both Ed and his wife died without seeing their son. (He left for the land, duh!) However Zonda would now and then chat with Neptune and ask how things were getting along. (Neptune was supposed to be immortal, duh!)

One day, the assassination of an important Austro-Hungarian Lada, Franz Beckenbauer, sparked off a fight between Eastern and Western European cars. Soon, an all out war ensued. Though what they were fighting over, no one knows or cares. Anyways, the war soon spread to Asia and the Pacific. The whole darn world got involed.

On one side there were clinical Germans such as BMW, the fiery Italians such as Maserati and Lamborghini, and the make-more-and-more-and-more Japanese such as Toyota. On the other there were the stiff-upper-lip British such as Aston Martin, the artsy fartsy French such as Bugatti, the American Americans such as Chevrolet and Ford, and pretty much the rest of the world. Scandinavian species such as Saab remained in neutral, too uninterested to even step on the clutch.

In the end, they all stopped fighting because they all realised it was a bloody waste of time. But the Italian species still had so much energy that they fought among themselves while everybody else watched them like you would a boxing match.

The Final Battle[edit]

The Italian cars had all knocked one another out. Even the great Fiat empire was reduced to a few hundred. Only Maserati, Lamborghini and Ferrari were still fighting. The chief Lamborghini, the big and imposing Countach, approached Zonda and said, "Hey, why don't we gang up against that Ferrari goon and we both can rule Italy!" Zonda accepted.

It was a hot Saturday afternoon. All the cars were hiding, afraid of seeing all the blood and motor oil. There were cute little dust bunnies rolling across the road. Then, one by one, they came. A sea of red on one side, and a checkerboard pattern of yellow and blue on the other. Zonda had brought a secret weapon: a magical triton he got from Neptune that would reduce a car's horse power, torque and top speed by half if struck. Why he didn't use it in earlier fights, no one knows or cares.

After a gory one hour, it was all over. After defeating the Ferraris who mostly retreated, the Lambos turned on Zonda and his gang. But Zonda prevailed. Hi magical Triton wiped out most of them, because cars normally use supersoakers when they fight. Zonda realised what he had achieved. But then he saw the bodies of some of his dead brothers all aournd him and realised that it was pointless. Believing he would join his brothers in that place where cars go after they die, he stabbed himself with the magical triton before giving one final rev of victory, and died.

Today[edit]

Of course, some Maseratis survived and today Maserati, Lamborghini and Ferrari all live in peace. Their factories are located very near one another, so that they can eavesdrop on one another's projects. Maserati is not as cool as Lamborghini or as popular as Ferrari, but these beasts certainly have a long history, which is the main why people buy them. Maseratis never forget their roots. Every Maserati today bears the mark of the magical triton that means so much to them.

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