Mashed Potatoes War

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Mashed Potatoes War Mashed Potatoes War.JPG
Date January 1, 467856 b.c.-December 31, 2673 a.d.
Location Northern Europe, Caribbean Sea, Southeast Asia
Result Complete and total victory
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You Me
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“This was supposed to be the war that ended all wars...the only problem was that it never ended”

~ Oscar Wilde on the war


~ Caveman soldier at the beginning of the war

“The Scots trained me to destroy!”

~ Scott The Destroyer on this destructive war

“After the battle (was over), I never ate mashed potatoes again. In fact, I never ate anything again, at least not on earth

~ Some random soldier (interviewed in heaven)

All of the leaders of all 19 countries that were involved in the Mashed Potatoes War were all standing in line, waiting to sign the peace treaty that would end the Mashed Potatoes War once and for all. Countless years earlier, the same 19 countries were gathering their armies together to fight the Great War.


It all began in the year 467857 b.c. when an Irishcaveman sold a sack of potatoes to a Jewcaveman in France. Now this caveman had an enemy in France, and his enemy (while he wasn't looking, of course) poisoned one of the potatoes. The Jewcaveman that had bought the sack of potatoes from the Irishcaveman soon mashed up those potatoes and served them as dinner for his family.

Then, the dad of the jewcaveman suddenly died right after biting into his potato. The caveman, wailing and mourning and preparing to sit shiva, blamed Ireland for this incident, and he declared war on Ireland. However, nobody showed up, so he let it slide...for a while. Then on January 1st, 467856 b.c., he declared war a second time, and this time the whole nation of France (about sixty cavemen) showed up and began an invasion of Ireland.

Da War Begins[edit]

On January 17, 467856 b.c., the French "army" launched an invasion of Ireland.

“The Mashed Potatoes War was the first true war. Before that, irate individuals and mentally-ill loners had hit other individuals and mentally-ill loners on the head with sticks, but there had never before been a full scale war.”

~ A famous historian

The Irish fought back though, and they easily kicked the English out of Ireland. The French invaded a second time, but they were pushed back again. They invaded a third time and won a battle, went up to take down Dublin and then were pushed back but the fourth invasion was a first.

The Irish were losing the war at this point, so they called for help from their friends, Scotland. The Scottish quickly came to the aid of the Irish, but the Scots accidentally had a mix up in geography, and rather than going to Ireland to help the Irish, they accidentally went south and invaded England.

This started a huge rivalry and hatred between the Scots and English that still exists today. A couple of years later, they would get their geography straightened up, and they would go to Ireland and they would help the Irish push the French back. (This was back when the French had a good army. You don't hear about it because it was a very, very brief time in history. It was a few days, but it seemed to be about three seconds.) After relentless pushing, people got tired and tried pulling, but got drunk nowhere. Many historians believe that they took a momentous break called "halftime" featuring the cavemen Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band.

“When the Scots got their geography fixed, they were completely unstoppable. They just kept winning battle after battle and the price got higher and higher for the French that they just had to pull out or else lose their whole army”

~ That same famous historian

The Invasion of... Spain?!?![edit]

After the French were pushed out of Ireland, the Celtic armies gathered up, and had a beer. After that, they gathered together again, and had a second beer. After that, they gathered together and had yet another beer. They gathered up a fourth time and had a fourth beer but the fifth time that they met, they began an invasion of France.

The only problem is that the Celts were so drunk that instead of sailing to France, they ended up landing on the shores of Spain. While they were in Spain, they tried to convince the Spaniards to join their side, but the Spanish preferred gold to alcohol and instead decided to fight the Celts.

On January 1, 467849 b.c., the Celtic and Franco-Spanish Armies met for the first time on the field of battle, exactly halfway between the geographical center of all three countries. The battle was known as the Battle of Midway. However, some historian somewhere at sometime in history (probably a Frenchman) got the Battle of Midway mixed up with a strange WWII battle known as the Battle of Kaloshiektaco, and the Battle of Kaloshiektaco has been known as the Battle of Midway ever since and Midway is forever known as the Battle of Kaloshiektaco.

The Celtic Army was extremely drunk and worked up, determined in their resolve to drink and fight at the Midway, and the Franco-Spaniards put up an equally determined and ferocious drunk resistance. By the end of the 300 year long battle, both sides had absolutely countless empty beer bottles, cans, and casualties.

In the end, the Battle of Midway was one of the bloodiest, drunkest, and horrific battles in the history of warfare, but the Celts kicked the Franco-Spanish Army's soar behinds rather roundly. Soon, the Bad Guys *Hiccup!* began a counterattack to conquer push the *Hiccup!* Celts into Spain... I mean out of *Hiccup!* España...I men, wait, I forgot. Never mind.