List of massacres
|The author of this article doesn't care at all if you edit it, heck, your stuff is probably funnier than mine.|
This is a list of massacres which may or may not have occurred throughout history.
Ancient and Middle Ages (to 1500)
|36 AD||Massacre on the Fjords||11||North Sea||A failed peace conference between Scotland and Norway over the custody of the Shetland Islands results in the deaths of several Scottish and Norwegian sailors (as well as one Swedish escapologist but nobody cares about him).|
|437 AD||St. Valentine's Day massacre||Unknown||Venice, Italy||The future Saint Valentine goes on a wild killing spree brutally murdering every man, woman and child in his native village. Mailing the hearts of his victims to the mayors of neighboring villages. One of the mayors, Valentine's ex-wife Valerie, raises an army against her estranged husband only to fall in love with him during the battle. Oddly enough it was after the crazed Valentine had thrown his own feces at her. Women, huh ?|
|1332||Dodge ball Massacre of 1332||Unknown||Switzerland||A particulrly vicious game of dodgeball results in the killing of hundreds. It has since been claimed that the victims were eventually resurrected as the first Zombies, which were used by the the Swiss Monarchy against the Easter Bunny.|
|1453||Constantinople||c.10,000||Byzantine Empire||Following the fall of the city, the Ottoman Turks rock star trash the Greek Orthodox population for three days.|
Modern (from 1500)
1500 to 1799
|1520||Massacre of the Chickens||c. 100||Mount Parma, Italy||
During the Battle of Salmonella between the separatist Meatballists led by St. Alfred of Parma and the Sauceist fundamentalists of Chef Boyardee, warring rival factions of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a group of British pirates under the influence of LSD battle a number of chickens led by Foghorn Leghorn who are mercelessly tortured and executed following their surrender.
|1702||The Iverson Massacre||20||Kawagucci Island||During the Pirate-Ninja War, a group of 20 pirates and ninjas under Sean Edwin Bailey are ambushed and killed in an attempt to capture Michael Iverson and a small ninja group holding out on Kawagucci Island.|
|1763||The Warsaw Massacre of the Robot Nazis||15,000||Warsaw, Poland||Over fifteen thousand Robot Nazis are killed defending Warsaw against the attacking Duckists before looting and burning the city.|
1800 to 1938
|1770-1922||Turkish Massacres||Unknown||Turkey||Nobody cares.|
|1843||Rudyard massacre||80-120||Rudyard, Michigan, United States||In what would be the only battle to be fought during the Upper Peninsula War, a force of 2,000 Michigan Militiamen under the command of Lt. Tyler attack a small group of around 500 Canadian milita occupying the town of Rudyard. After sustaining heavy casualties, Tyler's forces begin executing the surviving Canadians and local residents.|
|1866||Wonderland Massacre of 1866||Unknown||Wonderland||Shortly after the publication of Alice in Wonderland, obsessed fans of the memoirs rushed to Wonderland where they began hunting the indiginous Cheshire Cats shooting at anything that moved. Within a short time, the population was greatly depopulated and the majority were forced to flee to neighboring Funderland, Sealand, Fairyworld, Crackland and Alaska. Those which remained, resorted to petty theft and violent crime and eventually became a large part of the area's criminal element as attacks on tourists became a frequent occurance.|
|19X4||Athiest Massacre of 19X4||Unknown||The World||As part of a planned campaign of terror by the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, founding members Richard Dorkins and Isaac Asimov murder countless parents and school children while Carl Sagan flies a plane into St. Peter's Basilica.|
|1922||Lightbulb Massacre of 1922||Unknown||New Santa Fe, Pennsylvania, United States||A mob of angry Amish farmers burn down the neighboring city of Handlebrigsenburg in protest against the passing of a sausage-link tax recently introduced by the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture and Commonwealth Defense.|
|1932||The Great Apple massacre||10,000 to 40,000||Chicago, Illinois, United States||Following a military coup outing El Salvadorian President Manzano de Tierra, an apple-led uprising under Granny Smith captures several towns and injures almost 100 people within three days before military forces wipe out the revolt exectuting between 10,000 to 40,000 apples.|
|1937-1938||Great Purge||680,000 to 1.3 million||Soviet Union||In Soviet Russia..ugh forget it. Nobody cares.|
1939 to 1945 - WWII
|1940||Katyn massacre||25,700||Poland||In one of the great unsolved war crimes of World War II, the bodies of over 10,000 officers of the Polish Army are found in the Katyn forest in the former Soviet Union. After decades of arguing between the Polish and Russian governments, both countries brought charges against American football player "Packman" Jones in 2003 accusing the 24-year old of sole responsibility for the massacre and later forced to appear before the UN War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague, Netherlands. |
1946 to Present
|1979||The Great Chao Massacre of 1979||1 to 99,999,999,999||Chicago, Illinois, United States||An attempt by Sonic the Hedgehog and others to storm the White House results in the deaths of millions of defending US soldiers.|
|1983||Jonestown massacre||879||Jonestown, South Africa||All but 14 members of the People's Temple, a traveling circus, mysteriously die after eating Kibbles n' Bits which had been laced with cyanide by Rev. Jim Jones.|
|1988||Mountain Meadows massacre||150||Utah, United States||On the run from the FBI, the Francer-Young Party are ambushed by a group of Dark Side Mormons in the guise of Indians. Mormon leaders Karl Rove and Tony Blair are claimed to have killed at least 38 women and children single handed.|
|1993||The New York Hooker Massacre||3,267||New York City, United States||In the deadliest adult entertainment convention and prostitute shooting spree in the history of the world, 3,267 of the attending 4,000 prostitutes, including the grand marshal Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, were killed after a break in at the Jacob Javits Convention Center by Iraqi terrorists. The shootout would last into the night when after they shot 3,266 whores, they held Elvira hostage for 7 hours. Then in the last minute of the massacre, authorities thought that the hostages released the Mistress, but it turned to be a decoy when she used a novelty penis-shaped bazooka at the FBI. The real Elvira was killed after the Iraqis put a limited edition Conan O'Brien small penis-sized .44 Magnum in her mouth and pulled the trigger. The terrorists were later killed by the Salvation Army. That night, the FBI confirmed that the attack was linked to the evil terrorist leader known as Barney The Dinosaur, and since they knew his location President Clinton ordered a missile strike against Iraq in a emergency address to the nation from the Oval Office that night, but the notorious dinosaur escaped before the strike. The following week, the worldwide funeral ceremony was held at Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, almost the whole worldwide population watched the global broadcast of the service. It was the most watched funeral service in global television history. The service was so tragic that the ceremony was drowned by grieving, male hardcore Elvira fans crying and sobbing, delaying the service for 3 hours. But, amazingly in 1994, Elvira somehow resurrected from the dead, and went all the way to Pyongyang, Communist North Korea under a secret alias and successfully tracked down Barney's secret hiding lair in the basement of the glorious leader's mansion, and using a homemade mix of chloroform she knocked him out cold and without getting caught she brought him back to Washington D.C., where the dinosaur was placed in custody and where the Mistress was found out to be alive. Next month, she later received with the Medal of Honor by President Clinton. Barney was later put to death by the P.U.S.S.Y. (The Prostitutes Under the Secret Service of corporate Yemen) by machine firing squad in 1997.|
|1999||Columbine High School massacre||15||Jefferson County, Colorado, United States||In one of the deadliest school shootings in American history, leading high school students and all star athletes Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold launch a terrorist attack against their school armed with high-powered potato guns, a sawn-off Red Ryder BB gun, slingshots, waterbaloons and semi-automatic pellet rifles wounding three teachers and killing numeous Goths before fleeing the area after self inflicted wounds from their potato guns.|
|2001||Night of Broken Glass||1||Germany||
After an argument with his mother, 27-year-old Jim Freklowski threw his glass sippy cup on the floor, which shattered beyond repair. Luckily, he was able to conseal the damage using a dust pan and some paper towels.
|2001||September 11, 2001 attacks||2,973||New York, Virginia, Pennsylvania (United States)|
|2002||Elementary Schoolyard Massacre||258||New York, United States||A schoolboy is caught stomping on an army of ants, making this the biggest school massacre in history|
|2006||Great Emo Massacre of '06||c.100,000||Unknown|
|2006||Boston massacre||5||British colony, now US state of Massachusetts||As a direct result of the centuries-old rivalry between Boston and New York, two Red Sox fans are gunned down by visiting Yankees fans.|
|2006||St. Patrick's Day massacre||Unknown||Topkea, Kansas||Hundreds of people die as a result of a drinking game between Al Capone and Steve Balmer in which Ballmer attempted to imitate the high pitched screaming of Howard Dean.|
|2007||Blood Gulch massacre||c.100,000||Unknown||The breakdown of peace negiotiations between the Blue and Red Teams results in a disastrous battle of "Capture the Flag" resulting in the deaths of thousands on both sides.|
|2007||Virginia Tech massacre||33||Blacksburg, Virginia, United States||Several people suffer various shock-induced injuries during the opening performance of playwright Seung-Hui Cho's Virginia Tech Massacre.   |
- Chapman, Con (2007-06-19). "Pacman" Jones Accused of War Crimes. TheSpoof.com.
- Queen Mudder (2007-04-27). Cash for peerages cops focus on Lord Levy and the 9/11 massacre. TheSpoof.com.
- Redlich, Warren (2007-05-09). Virginia Tech Shooter Ordered To Complete Mental Health Treatment After Death. TheSpoof.com.
- Moose, Bullwinkle J.; Rocky J. Squirell (2007-04-18). Ismail Ax Riddle Solved in Virginia Tech Massacre. TheSpoof.com.
- Damian G. (2007-04-26). After Virginia Tech massacre, Cho's Chicken reports record business losses. Conservathink.com.