Mat Rempit

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“They really need a better motorcycle, OBVIOUSLY.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mat Rempit
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mat Rempit.
A Mat Rempit in action, seconds before hitting a pothole.
Pedigree!!! Pedigree!!! Mah Gawd Mah Gawd!!!

Mat Rempits were formerly malay retards and idiots. However they evolved into sub-intelligent primates somewhere in 1971 and they ride bicycles in the circus. In 1982 they stopped growing tails, they moved on to 70cc motorbikes because they no longer have tails that might get burnt accidentally by the exhaust pipe.

Although they were still retarded during that time (and still are..) they somehow managed to look and learn the hollywood stunt mans. Through their understanding of friction, they created a super-low-cost-and-fuel-efficient method of riding the motorbikes. The Mat Rempit is Malaysia's super-low-cost-pastime for Malay retards to show-off their biking skills on the traffic-ridden streets of Kuala Lumpur.

These kids are so desperate, they must do zig zag like a monkey, look backwards at full speed (very important tactic) and suddenly stop at roadside smoking, phone calling, etc. The crazier they drive, the sexier they look, it seems.

Mat Rempits also have been influenced by the western art and media culture, taking up terms such as Superman , Spiderman, Ironman, Cicakman and also Deadman. They start from young, when their dads give them their very first "kapcais" (100cc motorbikes).

However, they are also very patriotic too by waving Malaysian flags all around during Independence Day shouting "Merdeka!", and then ending up under a van.

They are also main contributors to Malaysia's Vision 2020 goal to have a 70 million population through mass rape of gullible Malay teenagers and their fellow Minah Rempits. Their role is absolutely crucial because the population growth of the Chinese and the Indians are grinding to a halt - both due to migration and improved family planning. The government hopes someday to populate the entire streets with crazy-ass Mat Rempits and show the entire world just how responsible Malaysian bikers are.

A typical Mat "Stuntman" Rempit in action.

Rempit styles[edit]

  • The Superman style was created by Yap Yong Phui from Bandar Kinrara. The style is performed by lying down horizontally on the bike and speeding at 150kmh. Guinness world of records were amazed when they tested the results and found out the this method actually increased the speed by 20% and giving them +2 bonus when evading police roadblocks. The Sailboat method was also a jaw-dropping skill where the rempit stands on the seat of the bike and control the bike via their feet. This method harness the wind's energy and thus lowers fuel consumption and saving enough money to buy drugs and cigarettes, giving them -25% fuel consumption, +10% money saving, +3 bonus when there is a strong wind. Another way is where the rempit does a willy where they will carry the front wheels and ride only on the back wheel. With less surface touching the ground, they manage to lower the friction, this is the most common method and can be found on the streets of Penang almost every midnight.
  • The Deadman method is usually found near traffic lights or under a lorry's wheel. Usually rempits will zig-zag in traffic and end up under a lorry or fly across a junction when the traffic light is red at the speeds of 120km/h and usually end up colliding with a solid object. This is another common method in rempiting especially among the newbies. However, there is one drawback. This skill is the ultimate skill where the user can only cast it once in their life. After casting it, no cards can be drawn and regrets are not accepted. Loser loses 40 lives and gains a +150% pain bonus and +3 bonus from instant death. If user has helmet, loser only loses 30 lives and gains only 120% pain bonus and +30% chance of succumbing into a coma.
  • The Spiderman method is where rempits ride the motorbike in pairs. The pillion rider stands at the back of the seat. The driver gains -20% fuel consumption because the pillion harnesses the energy from the wind. The pillion rider gets high and starts swinging his hand like a propeller and thus giving the motorbike a +50% speed boost for 8 seconds. During this time, there is a 20% chance that the pillion rider will fall off the bike and suffer broken bones. This is probably the best way to enjoy rempiting if you do not have driving license.


This is a favourite past time for Mat Rempits as well as useless half-dead malay zombies. It is a very complex game which includes the elements of football, merry-go-round and monopoly. The main players are referred to as penagih or addicts. A pengedar/distributor will monopolize the field, providing the penagihs with needles and poison to play with.

The addicts inject themselves with poison, and then pass the needle around and wait for their turn. A red card is given when a player of the distributor crosses the line where the police/linesmen will drag them out where the judge/referee will decide their fate. Usually, the distributors will be sent to the slaughter house for providing low quality poison whereas the addicts will be sent to pusat serenti/recovery centre to be trained.Usually addicts will learn martial arts in the pusat serenti where they will graduate and return to society to utilize their skills during robbery or theft.

Suntik-go-round is very popular and is usually played in abandoned buildings, behind old shoplots, and some residential playground. Playing at 3am in the morning is a must for Mat Rempits because this game will help them concentrate when they ride their motorbike.

Mat Rempit Life Styles[edit]

  • Mat rempits are now wasting time trying to get money by robbing people. They will ride their cheap 'kapsais' motorcycle and surround a car driven by a person who is alone. This thing will happen at night time only, because Mat Rempit will be invisible at night. The leader will smash a car window and try to threaten the driver so he/she gives his/her money and jewelry to the mat rempit.

So far Mat Rempits that try to rob people's car when they are alone have escaped because the driver cannot see mat rempit's at night. Some drivers with bionic eyes will immediately press the accelerator and drive over the idiot Mat Rempits and kill as many as he can. He will gain +30 to max hit point for every Mat Rempit he kills. Mat rempits that are killed will lose 30 lives and will have to form a new group of Mat Rempits. He will also loose his money and his brains (if he didn't have any, then he will be used to it).

Other Family members of Mat Rempit[edit]

  • Car Rempit - Just like the Mat Rempit but richer with their fully modded cars such as SLK(Smart Little Kancil), Saga Turbo, Beng-Wira, Suck-tria, Wa-Jadi-Lotion or ProtonJunk-2. There are also very wealthy Car Rempits who use super cars such as Civic EG, Toyota Vios, Nissan Sentra or Ferrari Enzo-ciplak. Normally they race in the public road or highway. Besides speeding and drifting in the illegal F1 they can perform other amazing stunts like the Mat Rempits such as the wheelie, wikang, pacak or even the Superman. Stickers all over the surface and the big mirror,Mitsubishi logo and loud exhaust, GT-Wing or gigantic spoilers are a MUST for their modified cars.
  • Mat Salleh - The white people from the west are know as Mat Salleh for the villege people. It was believe some of the Mat Rempit ancestors were Mat Salleh. Thus they sharing the same surname Mat.
  • Bus Rempit - Also known as Bas F1. Ex-Mat Rempits who are now working as a bus driver or father of the Mat Rempit. They display the same craziness as the Car Rempits and the Mat Rempits, and much worse. They love to block a 3-lane road to become a bus stop.
  • Lorry Rempit - Also known as Lori Hantu. Same as the Bus Rempits but they are more furious with their big and powerful vehicles. Lorry Rempits are also known as invisible men as they are always missing after getting involved in a traffic accident
  • Taxi Rempit - Also known as Teksi Terbang. Besides giving their passengers heart attacks when they zig-zag through trafic (and also crazy taxi fares), they are now encouraged to have side buisnesses within their cars to have more money for cigaretes and sirih.
  • Pizza Rempit - Mat Rempits with a job in the food buisness. Normally not found under normal conditions, these uniformed Mat Rempit fly out of a fast food restaurant on their EX5 Dreams at about 100 km/h everytime the number 1300-88-2525 is called. Sometimes more powerful bikes such as the RX-Z are found outside their headquarters, probably used for faster deliveries (and more splatted brain toppings on the road if you don't get your pizza in 20 minutes). They are also capable of all Mat Rempit stunts especially the 12 o'clock wheelie (the pizza box acts as a stabiliser). However, this kind of Rempit is actually USEFUL to our community; you never have to wait long for food (as long as the rider doesn't do a Deadman stunt).
  • Mat Cemerlang - A licensed or legal Mat Rempit recognized by the Son-in-Law of the Malaysia's Prime Minister a.k.a The next Prime Minister of Malaysia.
  • Mat Skodeng - Skodeng in Malay means spy which is Malaysia's National Islamic Counsil idea to have our own secret agent a.k.a Mat Skodeng to spy for Tangkap-Basah and the terrorist-USA to protect the Queen Married VI.
  • Mat Paipon - Mat Paipon (pronounce as Matt Payphone) is a white version of Mat Rempit which can be found under the old bridge of Corrib river in Galway, Ireland. This group of retards people are refugees, after losing to Isaac Newton in a series of bicycle races. Descendants of Mat Paipons are now busy studying physics in order to set a revenge match of bicycle race.
  • Minah Rempit - the female companion to the Mat Rempit. They act as prostitutes on a motorcycle who craves for a gangbang. Sadly, most of these girls were victims of MRC (Malaysia's Rape Culture), you know lah, 20 years of anti-English education system, clever-clever politicians, Asian value, excessive moral, Datukship, rasuah etc....aaaiiyoh! Fathers, brothers and uncles raped them at age of 12, 10 or even 8, yet these girls dare not make report. What worst is, most raping/incest cases were swept under the carpet, to reduce face-losing, but don't worry Malaysia, it's all Singapore's fault. Ya. Malaysia Boleh.
  • MatCyclop

He is the powerful Malay hero. MatCyclop is a hero liveing in the jungle. Actually he is normal human being until one day he was bitten by an AIDS infected wild boar and the HIV virus gain him mysterious power to transform into MatCyclop. His eyes turned into two eggs, a keris logo appeared at his chest and pig-skinned cloak on his body. He has rope on his neck in order to swing from tree to tree. When the Malay get lost on their way back from jungle, they will shout...."Help, Help, Help, MatCyclop". After that, the Matcyclop appear to rescue. One day, MatCyclop was having his favourite dish -- Nasi Lemak. Suddenly he was chocked to death by a "IKAN BILIS". The Malay made a remembrance statue for him.

  • Mat Rempit poem

Mat Rempit is damn guai lan,
he modifies a small kenderaan,
drive his awek to see cendawan,
and she will ask,”What do you want??”

“Your buah dada is so menggodakan.”
“And I don’t want to be your kawan.”
“I want to be your special one.”
“And fuck you everyday like no kawalan.”

The awek has got no pilihan,
she has to take off all her pakaian,
and start the adult mia permainan,
that is how she lost her kesucian.

First time she feels a little kesakitan,
and screams out loud for pertolongan,
later she asks for mau tambahan,
hopes that Mat Rempit will teruskan.

Mat Rempit says got perubahan,
he goes and gets a peralatan,
and calls all his kawan-kawan,
says this will be a lot more fun.

Tengok, Jangan Tak Tengok[edit]