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Matalan's new logo campaign.

Matalan is a budget store for pikies & hillbillies. It sells garments, plates and has, on occasion, been known to sell other useless crap.


Any and all of their goods fall into one of the following three categorys:

  • Knock-off

Hey, guess what? A big lorry delivering Nike stuff's back door wasn't locked right, and half of it's contents fell off! And we got there first!

  • Fake

Produced in one of China's numerous sweatshops, by children kept in boxes, or in a Retirement Home by Dorris during their "Hobby Time".

  • Totaly Useless Crap

This range of products includes shit on a stick, handbags, and plates.

The company was founded in 1765 on July 69rd by Richard Whiteley, who sadly died shortly after the opening of the second branch. This was because one of their customers, The Wicked Witch of the West put a curse on him, because she found out the heat resistant plate she had purchased from the store was not infact heat resistant. It is a known fact that Stevie Wonder shops in the Bristol Brislington shit-hole of a store. It is believed he shops there because he thinks it is actually JJB sports, which is situated on the other side of the retail park. He has also been known to pop into Toys 'R' Us and buy a Power Ranger outfit for his 26 year old daughter's wedding.


Matalan started off as a corner shop, and also ventured into the sex toys market, but this didn't last long when the store manager of the Brislington store was caught using a Twix as a dildo. This caused uproar, and Richard Whitley decided to sell up. He sold the company to Simon Cowell in 1874, who then expanded it into a multi-million (old Turkish) Lira generating company. It is expected to have pre-tax profits of 87.4 pence by the year 2976, but this cannot be certain. If you get to the Brislington stores car park at about 8:50am on a Sunday morning, you are quite probably going to see a lot of anti-social behaviour occuring. This tends to involve two Matalan employees, and their cars. One being a BMW 323i and the other a very fast 1.1i Citroen Saxo, which actually drifts better than the BMW, as it has been converted to rear wheel drive.

Notable Customers[edit]

Idiots Cheapskates Bums Your Mother Stevie Wonder Nobody