Math was invented when in acient Rome there was a dispute between two black market apple peddlers over how many apples would remain if they were to eat some. They theroized that if they ate one apple each, the total number of apples afterward should remain the same, since math had not been invented yet. They were horribly wrong. On that day math was born, and with it, eons of frustrating homework.
The word Math (from the word mathematics which is from the French Mathematique, from the Latin extrarius, meaning unrelated) is one of the many things the world has done to ruin itself. Every proper English person knows the real word is Maths, the S emphasising its all around superiority of the world.
Math has been criticized for being too difficult.
Much of the controversy over Math has been on Algebra (and his cousins: Pre-Algebra, Algebra II and Linear Algebra), who seems to have been involved with a cult called the Math Department, which maintains that suicide is an effective way to prevent teachers from having to actually do any work, and thus the best lifestyle choice for most teens.
In fact, in the past few years, Algebra's sordid past has caused such a stir amongst the Math community, such as the famous snubbing of the entire Algebra family by Calculus, Geometry, Statistics, and Ralph Waldo Emerson (Arithmetic chose to stay out of the conflict only because she was visiting her sister-in-law, Biology, at the time); that Algebra was called in for conference with the leader of the Math Department and was dismissed.
At the rise of its popularity, Math was able to do anything it wanted. There were no government restrictions to what Math was able to do. Using Math, it became dangerously easy to prove that keyboardists were gay.
This, of course, was absolutely disastrous for existentialists such as Nietzsche, Barry Bonds, and Charles DeGaulle who took great measures to try and eradicate Math. At least five recorded attempts of assassinations were noted during Math's existence. Bonds was indicted on several counts of molestation and strangling, and Nietzsche was found guilty of several other murders not related to Math (see: God). George Bush is currently engaged in a bitter "War on Mathematics" as he struggles to figure out how to add 23 to 42. As the casualties continue to multiply, Mathematics becomes an even more deadly foe and opressor of freedom. As mathematicians, they are free to pull equations out of their ass and tell us that they work somehow. No human has had the endurance to put up with the explanation as to how it works, so no one ever questions how math works.
Another useful invention which helped to propel Math into a state of euphoria was the imaginary number. Shortly after the discovery of this class of numbers, purveyors of them realized that ALL numbers actually are imaginary anyway, so then they had to spend all kinds of effort stroking each other's egos over rigorous definitions and so-called "proofs" of the non-existent facts. This caused many to go completely insane and become molesters, scofflaws, uncyclopedia editors, drunks, junkies, and all manner of menaces to society. Most are unemployed and virtually homeless to this day.
The Fall of Math
Nobody really knows how Math fell. There are two explanations.
After several years of over-zealous government banning of Math, it was finally exiled from the United States on 2110, and banned from all EU nations as well. Stuck in Mexico, with no food or relatives, it stayed alive for approximately eighteen days, living on only Pita bread, Agave cactus, and desert buttons. These buttons gave Math incredible visions in its last few days of life. Several important equations came to Math these days, and are regarded as the most vital equations to the furthering of the human race itself.
However, these equations were stolen by an American international operative shortly after Math died, and were never revealed to the public.
Math is buried in the Arlington Cemetery in Moscow, Russia. Its tombstone bears the factual inscription:
and inscribed underneath in a smaller text:
This explanation is the one most likely to be right, but only by 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%.
In 2110, humans went extinct since they burnt too many fossil fuels. Not even gray wolves were able to achieve all the mathematical achievements humans did.
Math was replaced by New Math by people who are stupid, yet wanted to move ahead after Math fell. This lead to New science and other things as well. New Math proves that Enron showed a profit and not a loss, and that PI equals exactly three (and is therefore a rational and invisible number), and shows without a doubt that Evolution is a drunken lie. The dawn of a new age has begun, with the fall of Math, and the rise of New Math to replace it.
"Math is dead, long live Math!"
The War on Math
In 2004, following George W. Bush's successful bid for re-election, the administration's "War on Math and Science" was announced. Due to the growing unpopularity with "The War on Terror" and "The War for Oil", the Bush Administration devised a strategy to gain popularity with small schoolchildren and to strengthen it's support from high school dropouts. Hence "The War on Math and Science" was created. Roots of this war on Math can be traced back to the 2000 election. Popular statements made by the President since then include: "Mathmatication is hard" and "I can never rememberize how to do long division."
As of January 1, 2006, America is reported to be winning the "War on Math and Science", with only 1,337 men lost (this figure does not include members of the Catholic Church, duck farmers, cartoon characters, professional actors, previously dead people, or small animals).
Not surprisingly, no women whatsoever have died in the "War on Math and Science". This is attributed to the fact that Tupperware sales have gone down and sales of Prozac have gone up.
Recently, a small group of Parkway North High School Students have banded together in an attempt to destroy the Evil that is Math once and for all. The head of this organization, known for his public statement of "I would go gay for Michael Jackson", is an 11th degree black belt in every martial art imaginable, which he obtained from Noel Coward at the age of -5, while in the womb. Thus far, he has been successful in eliminating twenty-eight, seventy-three, and one-trillion-eight-hundred-seventy-three-billion-two-million-nine-hundred-ninety-four-thousand-two-hundred-sixty-five times pi from existence. Anyone who says any of these numbers must immediately be hung on a high ceiling by their toenails and beaten summarily with a large, iron rod. This rod is to be twenty-nine-minus-one plus e to the third inches in length.
Factions of Math
Math is constructed like a giant jigsaw puzzle, with four different colors, the orange Pre-Algebra, the blue Algebra (with pink sub piece Linear Algebra), the relentless green-red Calculus, the blue-green-white striped Arithmetic and the infamous black-white (not actual colours)checkered Logic. These are combined by the golden rule; that when one type of Math contradicts the other, the Supreme Court will decide which is the correct according to the Laws of Physics.
It has been said that because 3 + 4 is much more than -1, so must the stars burn out before we can ascend into the sky with our extraterrestrial brothers and sisters to our true homes among what are commonly known as the stars. By extension, chaos is greater than . It has also been rumored that pi is delicious and lasts a long time. Many people don't do math cuz it hard. Some don't do math because it burns us! It burns us!
A second legend states that seven is and always will be the dominant subject under Math. Seven is known for his cruelty. It is even said that Seven became so frustrated with the disorder in his co-workers that he ended up eating nine (7 ate 9). Seven was never punished in any way and continued on in hopes of gaining the place of One. Six, the most stupid Roman numeral gained a fear of this Seven who was at least Two postions above him. One day, Six did a handstand and Seven ate it too.
Another legend is that if you had a huge number of monkeys sitting at typewriters, typing randomly, then given "enough" time, they would be absolutely certain to eventually reproduce a work of William Shakes-his-spear (or anyone else, for that matter) exactly.
Finally, a legend that has been proven true is that all mathematicians (or mathemagicians) will only eat pie if it is square, since it would otherwise make absoloutely no sense to them (because pi(e) are squared ).
Math has been solely blamed as the cause of most of the world's problems. The theroy behind this is that "Supply -1 = less supply." Since math is involved in the depiction of this problem, we blame it. Bad math. A program is currently in place to replace math all together with more English classes (English was chosen for it's tendancy to colonize other things). This program has gradually taken effect through the introduction of "algebra," where letters are often used in place of numbers. The grand plan of course is to replace numbers with letters and words. An example of how math will look in the future is the following:
- Yes - Green = Toilet
Upon closer inspection, we can see that this problem already makes a modicum of sense, as the word "yes" can already be depicted in primative number format; Y = s/e; e = Y-s; and s doesn't equal anything because it's special, which starts with s.
Other programs are still in infancy, such as geometry, which intends to replace math with artwork "because it's pretty," and calculus which intends to entirely do away with math as it's "fucking impossible."
Asians: The Grand "Mathters" of Math
Why are Asians good at math? It is because they do not believe in gravity. Without that knowledge, an Asian can open the inner gates of qi to tap the unused 90% of the brain which contains the ancient secret arts of kung-fu, ninja pwnage skillz, and confounding controversial sections of math, however, this ability comes at the price of driving ability. Asian technology is far superior due to this natural rocket science math talent in making inventions such as the abucus, a big GUN+a big DAM=Giant Unrealistic Nuclear Dam Armed Masterfully, PS3, and mind crush skill through anime culture shocks.
With the technology that they possess, they can invent other mind boggling inventions like outrageously likable mind controlling television shows *cough-pokemon. With their mastery of technology anything they say in the field of math goes. In 1534, the first Asian had declared that there is such a thing as a number X to make other ethnic races suffer. With this the world had fallen apart and made asians the number one smart people. The Asian society as we know it today has truced with all ethnic races and therefore still trying to figure out how to make math as easy as spelling PURPLE RAIN to undo the casualties from their invention of the number X. In reality they are using math and tv shows for actual superpwer, aliens, space/time-chaos control, GUNDAMs, and unheard of damnational content research and experiments like using cards to summon demons to kill people rather than nuking them with GUNDAMs.
Currently featured at the top of the U.S. Top Most Wanted List:
- The terrorist group Al Gebra, for instating terror with their weapons of math instruction. They are headed by the leader known as Osum of Bin Adden
- Radicals and Irrationals, angry at the world for saying that if they are Negative on the inside, they might turn Imaginary.
- Douglas R. Hofstadter, a crazy duck farmer who writes weird books about things like "the number P," which he defines as "the number of minutes per day that HE spends thinking about the number P," which he claims to do mostly while shaving.
If you see any of the above people, please call the following toll-free number: 1-800-DEATH-TO-MATHEMATICAL-TERRORISTS
Math: Agent of Music
In the early 60's, geeky D&D nerds dropped their 40-sided die and turned their numeric fixations towards the world of harmonics (admittedly shaky territory for pastey white people). Over night, intensely complex syncopations and constant time-signature switching became pop standards, as Math (Death, Black, etc.) Metal swept the UK, Spain, and parts of Canadia. And America too.
One young man destined to rise to the high of Math Metal Core Hard Post Core was called Geddy "The Machete" Lee, who gained wide recognition for combining A ginger named Keegan Knightangale eat a cat and pised in his moms mouth elements of the "two-hand tapping" guitar technique with the quadratic formula. While playing a gig at a local Comp USA, Lee met fellow nerd musician Neil "I Own Every Cymbal Ever Created" Peart. The two formed a love affair best described by Lee himself:
|But the oaks cannot help their feelings
If they like the way they're made
and they wonder why the maples
Cant be happy in their shade?
Math of body 1+1= 2
Math has already proven atheism right. If gods and goddesses can do anything, how can they add 2 and 1 and get 4.