“WOW! IT'S FUCKING MAGICAL OR SOMETHING!”
A mathemagician is a practitioner of the specialized field of scientology known as Existential Numerology. This is a purely theoretical research field with no bearing whatsoever on the real world, or what the real people give a shit about. A mathemagician's highest calling is to numerically prove or disprove his own existence. To that end, mathemagical research has been progressing the state of the art by proving or disproving the existence of simpler things such as spheres (exist), pencils (don't exist), and hyperbolic-paraboloids (sometimes). A conclusive proof of a mathemagician's existence is not expected until several conjectures that are thought to be true can be definitively resolved (see: Tsutomu Shimomura Conjecture). A mathemagician is said to be a Black Hat if his stated purpose is to disprove the existence of himself and others. He is otherwise said to be without hat, or mostly harmless.
Twentieth-century advances in supercomputers and astral projection have brought rapid advancements to the study. However, many mathemagicians now believe the problem of their own existence to be NP-Complete, making it impossible to solve without having first found the cosmological constant.
Until the nineteenth century, most mathemagical text was written in Latin, and therefore almost completely incomprehensible. With the introduction of new math in the early 1800s, the field transitioned to FORTRAN, successfully purging any comprehensible material from the discipline.
- In 1747, While on board the Pinta (not the Nina or Santa Maria as many believe), Sir Isaac Newton mathemagically explained lint, a phenomenon not widely understood at the time. This lead the Catholic Church to order his execution on the rack, a fate usually reserved for Nobel Prize winners). He was posthumously pardoned in 1991.
- Theodore Herzl invalidated Murphy's observation (previously known as Murphy's Law) with an elegant paper in 1908 on the Buttered Cat theorem. Given a cat with a piece of toast taped to its back, butter-side up, Herzl posited that if dropped, the cat-toast complex would continue spinning indefinitely, never hitting the ground. Murphy's observation held that the cat-toast would land butter-side down, being the most disadvantageous position for both the toast and the cat. Herzl's once controversial proof has withstood both the test of time, peer review, and experimental verification, and is now widely accepted.
- In 1998, IBM's Deep Blue supercomputer was able to produce a proof that Fermat's Last Theorem is totally worthless. The proof is in excess of two hundred pages and a human verification of it was nearly completed by two independent teams as of this writing, though it is generally regarded to be accurate.
The Conspiracy Theorem
Collectively, mathemagicians conspire to make mathematics as difficult as possible, and they have a deal with God to allow this to continue (see Mathematics). They are headed by the evil Math Clown (also known as Mr. Freeman), who is known for wearing eccentric garments decorated with obscure mathematical notations.
Mathemagicians are well-renowned for being able to deal with even the most awful of bowel problems, most notibly constipation:
"Did you hear about the mathemagician with constipation? He worked it out with a pencil"
This of course suffers from one obvious flaw - mathemagicians use more than pencils; rulers, compasses, protractors are all utilised in the de-constipating process.