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- 815 - Aqua Regia, the Royal Crown Cola discovered by Henry Cavendish. Stronger than the previously known most corrosive universal solvent, Coca-Cola.
- 1265 - Crispin Glover knighted. Leads crusade to defeat Emperor Pat Boone of Lower Angolia.
- 1352 - Due to a massive landslide in Eastern Mongolia, Hawaii moves in the general direction of New Zealand causing the issuance of a tsunami warning. Tectonic plate activity ensues causing widespread tsunamis and cannabis growth, much to the amusement of the Greens.
- 1512 - First Running of the Bulls held in el Chicago, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway trampled in his ringside seat.
- 1852 - Former King of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow Leader Jizabell, after the successful attempt to overthrow his kingdom.
- 1924 - The country of Foospance is discovered; people of Foospance rejoice.
- 1944 - German General von Allzenheimer tells a Soviet army to "please fuck off"
- 1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate forming organization, decide to do it later.
- 1984 - The debate for the International Society of Procrastinators is postponed due to rain.
- 1991 - Some members of the International Society of Procrastinators plan to raise a complaint on the delay on forming organization.
- 1998 - The International Society of Procrastinators thinks about threatening those members who are thinking on criticize the Society.
- 2004 - The International Society of Procrastinators apparently disbands without ever being officially formed.
- 2006 - Several former members of the International Society of Procrastinators are founded still loitering in the hallway of the convention center where they thought the formation meeting was scheduled in 1998 -- appearently they showed up in 2002 and couldn't decide if they should leave.
- 2007 - George W. Bush oversees the production of Burger King's first Texas Double Whopper. Hershey's sues, claiming copyright violation over the name.
- 2008 - Recent tests prove that the remains of George Bush are capable of curing cancer, AIDS, the flu, hair loss, and low gas mileage. Once again, the country doesn't seem to mind.
- 3045- Scientists discover LeBron James frozen corpse under Lake Michigan; world peace declared.