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- 1204 - Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley"
- 1532 - Sir Elton John resigns as a Queen of England, takes new job as a Stately Homo.
- 1605 - Paul V becomes Presidentof the United States of Canada.
- 1770 - 14-year old Marie Antoinette marries 15-year old Mr. Potato-Head who later becomes king of Ireland. Two years later, the Potato Famine begins, as the new king refuses to allow people to grow and eat his cousins.
- 1866 - Monica Lewinski invents root beer.
- 1910 - The U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the next week.
- 2007 - President George W. Bush dies after choking on his mispronunciation of the word "nuclear".
- 2008 - The Queen of England is declared emo by James Madison in his new book, The Queen and I. Sales soar through the roof. Later that day, with a tear running down her face, the Queen runs a straightblade across her wrist, telling herself that "It's just a phase."
- A long, long time ago - The tyrranic reign of intergalactic emperor Palpatine came to an end in a galaxy far, far away.
- 2009 - Ross declares love to Stephanie Rae in front of millions.
- 3004 - The government finally decides to assist Hurricane Katrina victims, despite the fact that the actual event occured a thousand years ago.