Maynard James Keenan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Maynard James Keenan Ivory Wayans
Maynard James Keenan Ivory Wayans
Date of birth: April 17, 1964
Place of birth: Pyongyang, United States
Nationality: Whitey
Known for That band, Tool
Occupation "God"
Religion Lutheran
Spouse RuPaul
Children Satan-Devo H Keenan
Website [1]

Maynard James Keenan Ivory Wayans was born in Pyongyang, Patagonia, on April 17, 1964. At the early age of 11 he suffered ecstatic visions of joy, very much like St. Teresa of Avila. At the age of 10, he was named "world's greatest kumquat" by the Sultan of Brunei, a title he has defended ferociously in unsanctioned warehouse cagefights, like Jean Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport.

In later years he would go on on to denounce the mathematical hegemony of the elite, proclaiming, "One and one are one, eleven." Keenan was also recently involved in an indie film with Brad Wilk titled "Angry Dogs with Rabies", where he played a homosexual gardener with erectile dysfunction.

Friendship with Bill Hicks[edit]

In 1994, he met Bill Hicks and the combined sardonic void created by their friendship destroyed Los Angeles in a simultaneous riot, inferno and tidal wave. "Did I leave a cigarette burning?" joked Hicks. To celebrate the mass destruction they went on a UFO tour to Area 51 and dropped some acid, and had visions of losing pens and shitting the bed. Later that year Hicks was diagnosed with terminal funnyness, and together they fulfilled Bill's dream, by hunting and killing Billy Ray Cyrus. After Bill's passing Maynard founded the Third Eye Squeegee company in his honor, which is really a front for the distribution of psilocybin mushrooms and salvia divinorum.really

A Perfect Circle[edit]

A Perfect Circle Jerk formed after Tool frontman Syd Barrett had an emotional breakdown. He was replaced by Roger Waters. They released some of the most important albums of all time, including "Dark Side of the Moon", "The Wall", and lesser-known "Wish You Were Here". Maynard's work with the group has been criticized as pure balderdash, with no subtext or hidden meanings of any kind, as demonstrated by this excerpt from the band's fourth single, "Weak and Powerless":

Someone shave the monkey while I blow the church with dynamite and crack your skull as I grope your bottom.

While recording "Wish You Were Here", Barrett visited the studio. By this point, he had developed a bit of a weight problem, and Maynard soon asked him how he had gotten so fat. Barrett responded

I've a big fridge in the kitchen and I've been eating lots of pork chops.

He then went on to trounce Maynard in an impromptu wrestling match, unleashing a barrage of suplexes and tombstone piledrivers, while Maynard held his own with a series of headlocks, bodyslams and pelvic thrusts (all while singing, and not missing a note), however Syd came back with a Dark Side powerbomb, finally wrapping Maynard up and scoring the pinfall. After this setback, Maynard went into seclusion for a time, investing his fortune in a chain of Haggis restaurants and a skateboard manufacturer in Brunei. Of course, this was all a scam orchestrated by the cagey Barrett, who appropriated Maynard's millions and invested the cash in the largest refrigerator ever.


In 1997, Maynard James Keenan began work on the ill-fated Tapeworm Project. It was said to have involved himself, Danny Lohner, Trent Reznor, Phil Anselmo, Roope Karhu, Fred Durst and Barry Manilow. Anselmo dropped out early, being a sensible man, and was soon replaced with ever-popular Atticus Finch of some punkass band whose name I can't remember. Due to stress between Reznor and Keenan, nothing came of the Tapeworm demos (including the leaked song, "Vacant").

By 2004, Trent Reznor fully admitted that he and Keenan had been deeply implicated in a homosexual menage-a-trois with Peter North, and that in 2002, the three of them went through a harrowing emotional break-down involving Paz Lenchantin, three ducks, and a garden ornament rumored to be Billy Corgan. No animals were harmed in the explosion. The only victim, Billy Howerdel, managed to escape with his life, though not his testicles. The Tapeworm demos were destroyed in the blast, as well as five and three eighths federal buildings. Nine Inch Nails came under federal investigation about this time. The FBI promptly discovered a gay snuff porno in Reznor's stash, labelled "The Broken Movie."

As of 2005, Keenan is supposed to be working on another Tool album. But isn't.

In saying this, Maynard James Keenan said that "there is a hip-hop Tool album, and that's the next one that's going to be a hip-hop album. Danny Carey not only is one of the most talented drummers in the world, but he can use turntables pretty damned good!".

Justin Chancellor has recently been seen around American malls pelvic thrusting in a Stormtrooper costume. When asked about that incident, he would say "no further comments on the situation".

In the meantime, Adam Jones is now lead guitarist in a progressive-glam rock band called "Richard Simmons, Oh Yes!" He also spends his free time scuplting naked men and various inner demons. He also did work on the film "Cassius Clay: The Third Dimension Of Putty."

Religious Views[edit]

Maynard's mother was a well-known Nihilist, which greatly influenced his views on spirituality. Growing up he believed he was a reincarnation of Aleister Crowley, but this quickly gave way to Fundamentalist Christianity. After he was almost killed by a falling beam in a recording studio, Maynard found Lutheran Jesus. From then on, at every Tool show he stands with his back to the crowd and sodomizes himself with a cross. This has earned him the nickname "Reverend Maynard".

About The Fuck Volcano Winery[edit]

Keenan started his own winery in the year 1984 to end touring with Tool and A Perfect Circumsicion and put a stop to APC violinist Sam Weiener's constant fucking of producer Joan Rivers. 'Nuff said except he wrote an unreleased song about it, sung to the tune of "Jambi." It made an appearance on the Wiped My Ass With A Corncob bootleg before the bootlegger got bootlegged himself and ordered that all bootlegs become "super-duper fuck a roach in the coach's asshole" illegal. It also appeared on the 10,000 Gays (Left In America) bonus album.

Some lyrics are:

Drink my wine/ Drink my wine/ Drink my wine/ It'll compromise a tour/ If wines and weeds divide me/ thank God I'll be gone...

Pussy Fur[edit]

In 2007, Maynard's side project was created, featuring every single person he had ever met in his life (even the dead ones), plus Roger Waters. Songs recorded for this project included Queen Me, Trekkies and My Drunk Vagina. The title of the album, B Is For Balls, is also Maynard's nickname from his days in the Army.

After having been a Comunist for about two decades, working with Tapeworm, Shandi's adiction, tool, apc, The wham, Franky goes to Hollywood etc. MJK(14th president of USA) decided to finally stop sucking up to people and start indulging his gradually growing enormous ego - Puscifer.

First of all, the name came to be when the illiterate mjk saw Devil's heart, in which Robert im a badass and can't play various roles De Niro plays lucifer, but under a less distinctive name -Louis Sypher. So, in lack of imagination, and considering(with valid reasons) himself 2 b a sort of a pussy, PUSCIFER was derived from it.

Now, let's get back to his Ego problems - Well, after being a fucking(is foul language allowed in uncyclopedia? ) cliche(or however it's spelled), raging on such boring phenomena like: the fakeness of Christianity, us presidents, fat rednecks, generally shallow people, the unfairness of life, cencorship and other shit, people with sufficient selfawareness wouldn't bodder to be frustrated with- he, i admit evolved to being so fucking cocky to edit some of the most amazing rock songs ever, such as no quarter, in order to make himself a little more worthy of mentioning...what a poser...a very inventive poser, but we'll get to that later.

He became more aware of his reputation, and of the number of teenage brains he had washed with his Lachrymology gay propaghandi. He became in love with himself, jerked-of on a grape and made a caduceus, where his's main ingredient is his own sperm..he sits by himself in a basement. listening to king crimson remixed by lustmord and timo maas. crying over his misguiding childhood.

Inevitably, Keenan's and Waters' gargantuan egos were too much for one galaxy. Waters retired to the Crab Nebula (leaving a robotic version of himself in his place-who most people say is much more cheerful), and Keenan left music to concentrate on producing his rapeseed wine and plotting to push Fred Durst down in a mud puddle (which everyone pretty much agrees should happen).


“My throat hurts and my vagina itches.”

~ Maynard James Keenan on bisexuality

See Also[edit]