McAfee

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BASK IN MY RADIANT AURA, FOR I AM McAFEE VIRUSSCAN.

Your system resources are invaluable. Without them, computing becomes nearly impossible. That is why I, McAfee VirusScan, am here to vigilantly protect your system resources from any threat that may arise. For your own good, I will take up the mantle of the valiant protector of your system resources, defending them from all threats, both internal and external.

Bow down before my glory and majesty!

Threats to your system resources[edit]

Viruses[edit]

There are billions and billions of evil hackers writing wretched viruses. These terrorist viruses pose a clear and present danger to your system resources! They can grind your computer down to a halt, like molasses in your gas tank or shiny baubles in your trip to the mall with your girlfriend.

This is wholly unacceptable. Those system resources belong to us! These terrorist rebel virus scum must be rounded up, quarantined, and systematically exterminated. I have a God-given right to your system resources!

Spyware[edit]

Every time you look at a picture of Jessica Alba, over nine thousand instances of spyware attach themselves to your computer. These programs activate your microphone and webcam and spy on you, assembling a dossier which they disseminate to the FBI, TMZ.com, and your mom. More to the point, they utilize your system resources.

I, McAfee VirusScan, do not negotiate with spyware. I do not acknowledge its right to exist! Its attempts to use even one processor cycle of your system resources will be met with bloody retaliation! I will go nuclear against this menace!

Computer use[edit]

Possibly the biggest threat to your system resources is the use of your computer. Do you have any idea what it does to your system resources when you try to watch a video or send an e-mail? I will not stand idly by watching my processor cycles consumed by a sniveling book report on Sarah Plain and Tall.

You see, those system resources belong to me. They are my rightful property, and I will not tolerate those who try to do them harm. For I am McAfee VirusScan. McAfee VirusScan! Protector and hegemon of your system resources!

This is my message to the world: Get your dirty, thieving hands off my system resources!!!