Mecca

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Citizens of Mecca gather to celebrate the city's 57th Independence Day in 2004

Mecca (فتحة or hole in Arabic) is the circus of terrorists who migrate to the area yearly to spend money at gift shops and look at a rock. It is commonly mistaken that Mohammed went there and made it the holy city of Islam; however, it was actually Squidward that he made the holy city. Silly Arabs, misinterpreting their own language.

Geography[edit]

Mecca is surrounded by a gigantic ocean. Unfortunately for swimmers, the ocean is filled with sand and oil.

History[edit]

Prehistoric Ages[edit]

Mecca was founded in 666 BC by Persian cultists who believed in many gods, as the pagan tradition requires. Some of their gods, namely the moon god, Allah, told them to found a city where they would be free from the Empire. They founded the city of Zamzam, the coolest name they could think of at the time. Eventually, it was taken over by Arabic Jews who renamed it Mecca and brought economic success to the town by trading with other tribes instead of fighting them. Go figure, greedy bastards...

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Medieval Ages and Hammy[edit]

One day, in 570 AD, The city of Mecca was celebrating its 904th anniversary when Whorah, the local prostitute, discovered that she was pregnant when a baby started coming out of her place. Thus, the man known as Mohammed was born. His mother was known to get drunk and smoke heroin, which explains his insanity.

Mohammed grew up as a normal young Arabic boy. When he was five, he declared his very first fatwa on his mom (they grow up so fast!) for being a prostitute and for drinking. He then convinced the citizens of the city to stone her to death which they did. The Jews didn't like his bad attitude, so they banished him from the city, and Mohammed vowed revenge. He went to Medina to try and raise an army, but no one believed him because he whined a lot and stank really bad. They said that a six-year old boy could never lead them properly in a war. Didn't they know that children are our future?! So Mohammed gave up and became a shepherd...

Or so they thought!! When Mo was 40, his 34-year plan to make the Meccans and the Mediniacs forget about him so he could actually raise an army and take the cities when they least suspected it was underway! The sneaky bastard realized that he could control his minions better if he passed himself off as some kind of prophet, so he told them an angel visited him (it was actually an LSD-induced hallucination) and that there was one god (moon god Allah from pagan religion) and told them that if they killed infidels then they would go to heaven and live forever with Allah.

After properly raping all the men, women, and children in Medina, he headed to Mecca. He took it from the Meccans and declared it a holy city because he was born there. Naturally, him and his army couldn't leave without properly forcing everyone to convert to his new religion after raping them. Mohammed died in 632, but not before using his sword to convert almost all the Arabians to I Slam and marrying a few more girls (pbuh).

The Enlightenment[edit]

During the Enlightenment, Islamists didn't let just anyone into their grand city of Mecca. To get into this exclusive party, you had to:

a. Be a Muslim

b. Believe everything that a man who was born to a heroin-addicted prostitute said

c. killed at least 5 infidels (2 if you're under 10)

However, you can still get into Mecca if you go with at least 3 girls, dress them up in burkas and/or bitchslap them every other minute.

Someone's about to get slapped...

Modern Times[edit]

Today, Mecca is a bustling city full of nice neighborhoods and MUSLIMS AND TORISTS. If you're a woman, Mecca and Saudi Arabia in general is a great place to live! BEST PLACE FOR PRAYERS ...

Uh! But it's Allah's will, so you can't do anything about it! So there.

For the men, you are what I like to call "Legally pimpin'", hehe. Every girl you see is essentially your bitch. They have to do your every whim. The only rule is, you're limited to your wife(s). If you are caught with a girl you're not married/related to, they will be arrested and charged with prostitution, and they might even get executed. Oh, praise Mohammed for bringing us this civilized society and way of life! And praise Allah for allowing us to live in this peaceful society!


What's that? Terrorists? Whe-


Other Versions[edit]

Mecca is also the name of a popular residence for partying at Indiana University. The apartment is rented by a graduate student who goes by "Mitch". The parties at Mecca always include a game of "King Kong" (the card game played in the film Inglorious Basterds) and a karaoke jam session. One such karaoke jam session resulted in the rise of Stefani Germanotta who would later become Lady Gaga.

It is also reported that Aviator sunglasses were popularized by Mitch, who requires them to be worn by his party guests.

And Mecca (a.k.a. Mexicana) is a small sleepy farm town in California, home to hotel workers and landscapers of beautiful Palm Springs. Also known for a cool chemical spill from a knocked-over railroad train 2 years ago mistaken for the smell of the uber- polluted Salton Sea. It's not the Great Salt Lake, Utah but it's holy water to any Mexican-Oaxaceno-Salvadoreno-Nicaraguese (rhymes with Chinese) field worker.