Mecha Rumsfeld

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Mecha Rumsfeld was one of the Republican Generals in the Second Civil War. All of his soldiers died because they didn't have armor, bullets, food, rifles, knives, or clothing. He received the Congressional Medal of Freedom for his generalish efforts.

In late 1997, before his arrival in the national spotlight, Donald Rumsfeld was a great cop in Delta City (which is in Utah, which explains all the sin going on there). But Rummy was set up, ambushed, and shot to pieces.

Fortunately, the federal government had $6 million sitting around. They upgraded various parts of him:

Mecha Arms: These allow Mecha Rumsfeld to put generals in vicious, near-inescapable headlocks. This is generally handy, because generals have lots of soldiers to command, and frequently don't think that sending one fifth the recommended number of troops into Iraq, without supplies or armor, is a good idea. Because for some godawful reason, they seem to care about the troops. Troops are meat, guys! C'mon! They signed a contract, we have the right to take advantage of that!


Mecha Brain: Was actually installed first, and forced the government to include the aforementioned Mecha Arms. See, the Mecha Brain was programmed more or less like this:

{IF input=MoreEfficientSounding THEN RETURN "Good!" ELSE RETURN "Even though I'm a civilian, I obviously know much more about war and strategy than you do."}

Halliburton built the brain. Once the Delta City engineers figured out how limited its function was, they built the Mecha Arms.


Shoulder-Mounted Rockets: Because no Mecha anything is complete without a brick of Arab-seeking projectiles--sometimes, it takes high explosives to convince people Jesus is their savior.


Mecha Hands: See [1], [2]. Self-explanatory.


Super-Rifle: Well, okay. Here's the thing. I know, I know, so many caveats. It's actually just an M4 carbine, but Halliburton told McRum (Mecha Rumsfeld's nickname) that it's a Super-Rifle. He doesn't know how to use it, and it's not loaded, but, well, he now thinks all the troops have Super-Rifles, so he wonders why all the terrorists (ah, wait, we decided to call them insurgents now) aren't dead yet, since surely Super-Rifles have insurgent-seeking bullets.


Mecha Ears: McRum's ears are attuned to the Liberal media, as evidenced by such comments as "You go to war with the army you have, not the army you want." Yeah, like I said, the Mecha Brain doesn't work super well. But you go to the Cabinet with the brain you have, not the brain you want.


Antenna for 802.11i remote control of Dubya: Remember that little box thing at Bush's back during the debate? Yep. Since '97.


*Keep this entry updated as new augmentations are discovered.*