Medieval II: Total War

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Medieval II: Total War
Medieval II Cover.
Developer C.A.
Release Date Ongoing development by fanbase, exact date unknown
Genre Developer humour
Platforms Microsoft Windows XP Windows Vista
Rating LOL (Laughing-Out-Loud)
Would Hillary Clinton play it? No, Rome: Total War was more fag-friendly

“That´s ignorant!”

~ Michael Jackson on everything

“I usually send my soldiers on a crusade against them there... Iraqistanis.”

~ George W Bush on Medieval II

“I just married off my king to an ugly bitch! HAR HAR HAR!”

~ George Carlin on Medieval II

“My favorite unit are the Turkish giraffes with naphta-launcher attachments.”

~ Expert on medieval warfare on Medieval II

“In non-Soviet Russia, you ruin the Mongols empire!”

~ Russian reversal on Medieval II


Medieval II Total War is a computer game that has received much positive feedback from its user base. Medieval II: Total War was released in November 2006 and has been in post-gold development by its developer for several months after its release. User-based development though has been on going ever since.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Medieval II: Total War.


In the game you control a band of retarded shit-eating farmers in a collective known as a "medieval kingdom." After a while of chopping the heads off other inbred motherfuckers, you are invaded by a mongoloid people riding horses (or maybe horses riding mongoloids, no one can tell for sure). After fighting them for a while you usually die. And if you don´t, the plague comes along and raises the quality of the human gene-pool by wiping your nation off the map. Just when you thought everything is fine, sometime later on another group of invaders with AT-AT's come crashing in. If you survived the previous threats, this latest one would surely wipe you out if you didn't see it coming or simply don't know what to do when it comes. The goal of the game is supposedly to eventually go west and chop the heads off of another primitive people.


The infamous first readme, included with version 0.1

Medieval II was developed by CA ("Censorship? Absolutely"). The company took a rather unusual approach to the development of the game, not starting programming until after release. The initial release consisted of a DVD with a 1kb word file on it mocking the buyer. Still, the game got great reviews from publications all over the place. One of the bought-off reviewers, Gamespot, said: "Everything about this game is top-notch. Especially things like... the graphics. Yes, the graphics are great." These "graphics", which were also featured in various trailers and walkthroughs, were of course taken from footage from Hollywood blockbusters (such as Braveheart) and then converted in a painstaking process to appear to have the look of a real Total War game, complete with horses that spun around in less than a second and crossbowmen that shot straight up in the air.


After severe criticism from buyers all over the world, the developers were forced back from their well-deserved vacation and released the first patch labeled (once again mockingly) 1.1. Now a basic interface was added, but people agreed it was still shit. The main complaint was that CA had added compulsive serial killers to the game who against all logic pranced around your kingdom as if they owned the place and every two turns ritually sacrificed the player’s king while he was on a crusade, resulting in thousands of broken keyboards and computer-screens. Other bugs included a few which made all units except the historically accurate Taiwanese monkey-gunners useless. During the continued development, CA decided to bring in two beta testers to ensure the second patch would meet up to the quality-standards of the company. Two alleged veterans named Tommy-Bob- and Earl Henderson were hired from USA in exchange for beer and fertilizer. The developers promised to release patch 1.2 in February 2007, however, the world championship in cricket came in between, so the release was postponed. Nearly three months later all five employees of the company had recovered from injuries they had sustained while playing Russian roulette during a coffee-break and the patch could finally be released. Meanwhile though, Tommy-Bob and Earl had been fired because they were fucking retarded. This meant that the patch had to be accidentally leaked to the public so that they could find all the problems with it, without endangering the good reputation of the product, by releasing a faulty patch. Fortunately a file server happened to put up the file too early, and thus, CA was saved. Patch 1.2 was released to the public on May 4 and fans could finally fit the Carroccio standard through the gates during sally-out battles.

Fanbase & Forums[edit]

The fanbase for the game can be roughly divided into two groups: 10 fanboy apologists who with the help of several accounts spend all their waken time on the official forums bullying people who dislike the game, and the rest. The forums are known for the developers outgoing attitude towards customers: every six months a company representative posts about the latest patch delays. Forum moderators also make sure that no one is offended, or the developers commit suicide, by removing all negative comments and other terrorist-related posts. These cautionary methods have also been applied to some of the unofficial forums by castrating the owners and making them "little corporate bitches" according to one insurgency-source.

List 1: Stuff you could do in the game if it was actually playable:[edit]

  • Not save your battle replays on the campaign map.
  • Watch your princesses get humped by old clergymen.
  • Charge elephants into buildings 9/11-style.
  • Not have a look at your cities in city-view.
  • Get your ass raped hard by ten armies of Italian crossbowmen.
  • Send merchants all over the map and get nothing for it.
  • Play multiplayer for up to five minutes without getting disconnected.
  • See beards. Lots of beards.
  • Control an entire army of Mel Gibsons if you choose to play as Scotland.
  • Be battered by soulless Green Italian sickos (aka the Milanese) who love spamming armies of crossbowmen.
  • Execute more than 10,000 helpless bastards after capturing them from a battle.
  • See the predecessors of Command and Conquer: Red Alert's Soviet conscripts in action.
  • Throw all sorts of incendiary projectiles that instantly ignite (flaming balls, arrows, explosive jars, and medieval bazookas) at your enemies.
  • Toss rotting cows into the air to scare the hell out of your enemies.
  • Get your generals cursed by screaming old women.
  • See hundreds of Catholic priests who turned to the dark side who can be executed by your own priests. Be warned though, if your priest fail to kill one of them the priest might turn to the dark side too...
  • Not be able to control navies in 3D battlefields.
  • Get to be despised by the Pope.
  • Not be able to dismount your knights (although some units have the word "dismounted" in their names).
  • See Islamic cities as well as Roman peasants in the Americas.
  • Watch your assassins and spies on their misadventures.
  • Be able to turn the bravest knights into little girls running away from your charging horsemen.
  • Witness enemy generals preserving their honor by being the first to charge into your lines (and be among the first to subsequently die in a battle).
  • Get frustrated when your gunpowder troops don't fire all the time.
  • Not be able to assassinate anyone in a battle even though there are units called "Battlefield Assassins."
  • Control Pikemen and Halberdiers who use their swords more often than their pikes or halberds and get frustrated by this fact because this severely weakens them.
  • Conquer a country that ruled 50% of the world named "Rebels."
  • See all European generals and captains having the same armor type. You get to see plate armor as early as the year 1080 as well.
  • Control Kings who have no minds of their own and take orders mindlessly from their "Lord."
  • Hear reports of your Crusading soldiers disappear by the hundreds if you sail in the Atlantic while on a crusade to the Middle East.
  • Be able to get 3000 men on 1 tiny cog to invade England.
  • Control diplomats who can marry off their faction leader to anyone who they see fit.
  • Not be able to change who's the crown prince.
  • Be able to keep the peace in a city of 60,000 with only 80 men.
  • Have the ability to get your units to safety in a battle by crossing a red line which surrounded the battlefield; units that don't want (or weren't ordered) to leave the battlefield were prohibited from crossing by a force field which could detect which units wanted to leave.
  • See Scots who believe their every enemy is named Jimmy and who have a claymore specifically designed for him.
  • Hear many soldiers speaking the wrong accent (such as Greeks speaking in a Spanish accent or Aztecs speaking a Central Asian accent).

List 2: Awards:[edit]

  • The AIAS 2006 Interactive Achievement Award for "Best Medieval Smash and Kill Game."
  • The Saturn-silverglobe-pinetree-award 2006 for "Best battlefield taunt" with the entry "You stink of pig!". This was in close competition with the Rome: Men in skirts competitor, "Dirty rats!".
  • The Bronze midget from the Lukutolu game-festival 2007 for "best delay-excuse of the year".
  • The Pinochet forum management-award 2006 for "tidiest forum".
  • A boycott from the Danish government for the games portrayal of the Danes as mentally handicapped Russians.

List 3: Things that should be in all games:[edit]

  • Jam
  • Wizards with beards
  • A badger with a banjo
  • Bananas
  • A Mel Gibson Joke
  • An evil scientist with a German accent
  • Long lists
  • A pong mini-game
  • A three hundred meter tall robotic cow by the name of Colin
  • The phrase, "You'll have to do better to beat me, kiddo" said with a poor Chinese accent into an early 90's sound recorder.
  • Scots who believe their every enemy is named Jimmy and who have a claymore specifically designed for him.

Kingdoms Expansion[edit]

Long after the release of the much anticipated patch 1.2, CA released the long awaited expansion called Kingdoms. The expansion allows players to:

Nuclear warfare in the Middle Ages. Nukes back then were called super bananas.
  • control Orlando Bloom in his adventures in the Holy Land in an alternative version of the movie Kingdom of Heaven
  • witness the Aurora Borealis at night
  • burn enemies on the battlefield with the prototype flamethrower (exclusively from and for Byzantium)
  • see a proper fireworks display
  • castles finally get moats and burning oil
  • see a special appearance from William Wallace himself
  • wage war with a super top secret prototype nuclear weapon in the form of exploding bananas

The expansion also finally recognized the existence of Wales, Ireland, Norway, and some of those American Indians.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Medieval II: Total War is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.