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Mediocrates (pictured right) with the rest of his band

Mediocrates was an eminently forgettable ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician. He was a middle-class land-renter. In school, he averaged about 2.5 GPA, exhibiting middling performance in all subject areas. The only thing remarkable about him was, ironically, that he was not a hypocrite. Unlike all the other philosophers, who preached modesty and chastity, then went off and strutted their stuff and fooled around, when Mediocrates preached mediocrity, he lived mediocrely.


Mediocrates' contributions to philosophy were neither particularly significant nor even very original. His sole original idea was the invention of the status quo. Mediocrates elaborated on this in his essay The Status Quo—What the Fuck Is It? which went on to score 5 out of 10 in Pee Review.

In mathematics, Mediocrates is mostly forgotten remembered for his discovery of the lowest common denominator.

He is also the patron saint of bureaucrats and bureaucracy. Politically, he was a constant backbencher, known for his not-so-inspiring rhetoric and always beginning his speeches with "Well, I'm not sure if this is right, but...". Easily dissuaded, he was known to go back constantly on his own decisions--when confronted with crossing the Rubicon in 49 b.c., he walked at moderate pace into the river, only to decide, half way across, that the river was too cold to walk through and turned back, rendering his decision utterly pointless. He did not consider bridges or finding an alternate route.

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