Mega Man Diet Zero

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Mega Man Diet Zero, known in Japan as Rockman Diet Zero: Watch the Pounds Fly Off You (これを読むことができれば日本人または退屈な人である ), is the zeroth installment in Capcom's Mega Man franchise. Being the game that appeared before the first ever Mega Man game was released, it therefore does not exist. It therefore was not the first Mega Man platformer to appear on the then non-existent Game Boy Advance and was not released in Japan on 26 April 2002, a year, that had somehow been transported back in time to before 1987.

Non-Existant Gameplay[edit]

As Mega Man Diet Zero does not exist, the game does not follow the Mega Man staple of side-scrolling platform action. If the game did exist, however, you would control Zero, a character from Mega Man XXX. The player would have guided him across several missions, defeating a spastic boss that waits near the end. Despite the non-existent game being set thousands of years after the original series, bosses still use Dr. Wily's IOGMEWMMA System.

A common theme in Mega Man games is the character's absolute inability to duck and deathly allergy to spikes, even wooden ones that couldn't possibly pierce through his metal body. Continuing the "tradition" from the Mega Man XXX series, Zero violates copyright issues with his Spiderman-like ability to cling to walls (true, he's absolutely crap at it, but the prosecuting lawyers at the moment don't really care).

Unlike previous Mega Man games, instead of separate stages, there is a mostly single select menu consisting of a list of words. Some say this is because Mega Man Diet Zero is a highly retro game that tries to return to the franchise's original roots; others say it's because the game is a rushed pile of crap like all the other million Mega Man games that have been released in the past year.

There are still bosses to fight in these missions, but not every boss is fought near the end of the stage. Some are fought in the next installment of the game, which will be released a day after the first one. It's also possible to take losing to a whole new world in this game. Players can fail spectacularly like the pathetic dateless wonders they are, by choosing the "give up" option. In doing so, they not only fail the game in all its entirety, but the game cartridge explodes so not only can they never play the game again, they can never play any other game ever again.

Weapons overview[edit]

Despite the game not existing, the player can choose from a wide-range of non-existing weapons, the definition of wide being three. Zero begins the game with a pathetic handgun that does as much damage as tickling the enemy to death. Luckily, you only need it for a split second, before the player is given Zero's trademark weapon, the Z-Saber, a vaguely phallic-looking sword that seems to be overcompensating for Zero's certain lack of a body part. There are two other weapons that the player can acquire: the almost useless Shield Boomerang and the Triple Rod, yet another phallic weapon that extends in a very phallic manner in a bid to make Zero feel secure about his penis envy.

By pressing and holding the non-existent button on the then non-existent Game Boy Advance that a weapon is assigned to, the player can charge a weapon and use a more powerful attack. There are two charged levels, but the only useful level can only be unlocked after a million years. All weapons start off weak as a kitten, but with constant use over the period of your lifetime and that of your children and your grandchildren, a weapon levels up, unlocking more advanced techniques and abilities.

Cyber Fairies[edit]

This non-existent game also introduces the concepts of insanely cute Cyber Fairies, little Pokémon rip-off things like Pikerchoo, Geodud and Ash Ketchum. They are hidden throughout the game in grass and when you come across them, you have to battle them and capture them with I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Pokéballs. The player can then feed them (the Cyber Fairies, not the Pokéballs, you dumbarse) using E-Crystals, presumably made from Ecstasy[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], until they go hyper and then level up. There are three types of Cyber Fairies:

  • Animal - These all look vaguely like the Muppet of the same name.
  • Nurse - Poké... er... I mean, Cyber Fairies dressed up as kinky nurses.
  • Hacker - These speak only in 1337
  • Michael Jackson - A hidden Cyber Elf with pasty white face and the ability to molest... er... I mean combine with Zero to make him invincible.

Modes[edit]

The non-existent game has three non-existent modes:

  • Hard Mode
  • Insane Mode
  • This-mode-will-make-you-commit-suicide Mode

Each one is more insanely difficult than the other, with the last being responsible for 342,185 deaths[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. As such, this game has been lauded as population control at its best and has received great praise from people such as Pol Pot and Adolf Hitler.

Non-existant Plot[edit]

The non-existant story revolves around Zero's attempt to lose some weight after gorging on far too much robot oil. He follows the diet guru, Dr. Ciel Bleu, as she proscribes a regimen of exercise and viciously killing random robots for no damned reason.

Characters[edit]

Weight Watchers[edit]

  • Zero - the playable character. Zero is notably missing his infamous booblights. When he's not crouched over like an old man, he stands up with his crotch thrust out as an invitation for you to kick him there.
  • Ciel - Diet guru
  • Alouette, gentille Alouette, Alouette je te plumerai - a kid's song
  • Andrew - Some old rambling guy with a Princess Leia haircut.
  • Cerveau - Definitely not a white version of LaForge from Star Trek: The Next Generation, honest!
  • Milan - a city in Italy that dies near the beginning of the game.

Neo Arcadia Chocolate Company[edit]

  • Mega Man XXX - Leader of Neo Arcadia. Is actually a bootleg version of the Mega Man XXX game.
  • Faf-about-near - Some guy with anger issues
  • Harpy - A Bass rip-off...
  • Leviathan - The only woman in the entire company.
  • Phantom - Some ninja-wannabe with a bright red scarf. Yeah, nobody'd notice you with that bright red scarf!

Reception[edit]

Many gamers were outraged at having to pay full price for a game that did not exist for a handheld that did not exist.

“Sure we didn't need many batteries to play it. Heck, we didn't need any electricity at all... But still!”

“How the Hell did they make this game so difficult? It doesn't even exist, yet it's still harder than a statue of Chuck Norris!”

~ Outraged guy

However, Adolf Hitler was very pleased with the way people committed suicide after playing the hardest mode. He started donating copies of the non-existent game to Jews and people he didn't like.

See Also[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mega Man Zero.