“There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that's a Melanie Phillips article”
“Oh, God, has she got out again!”
Melanie Phillips (born c. 1854, we're guessing) is a British journalist and author, twice winner of The Daily Mail Prize for Most Moderate Journalist. Having started her career on the left of the political spectrum, she has subsequently moved to the right, and fallen off the end. She describes herself as a liberal who has 'been mugged by reality, and an illegal immigrant drug addict.' Currently, she writes for The Daily Mail. She is a regular panellist on the BBC One programme Question Time, where her contributions are filmed several days after those of other panellists, since they are so reactionary that they travel back in time.
Phillips was born into a Jewish family. Her first words are alleged to have been 'liberal conspiracy.' She was educated at Putney High School in London, and later read English at Jesus was not the Messiah College, Oxford. During her early career, she wrote for The Guardian newspaper, which she has since called 'the reading material of Satan himself, edited by Hitler, printed on the bones of Holocaust victims and owned by the Scott Trust.'
After leaving The Guardian, she began in 2001 to write a column for The Daily Mail called 'Mel's Bells'. At the Daily Mail offices, she met her future husband Richard Littlejohn, whom she has described as 'a hunk of beef - proper British beef, mind you, not halal beef, or imported beef, not that it would affect the environment, because global warming is a liberal Marxist conspiracy.' She also had a brief affair with fellow Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens, a relationship which she has since described as 'a youthful mistake, engineered by the liberal, Nazi, anti-Zionist drugs lobby.' However, the two have remained on good terms, and frequently write each other's column without anybody noticing.
In March 2010, Phillips was rushed to hospital with digestion problems. It was later revealed that this was due to a shortage of bile. However, her hatred of the NHS helped her towards a speedy recovery.
In her column, Phillips regularly discusses such issues as drugs, progressive teaching, Islam, science, atheism, homosexuality, immigration, Barack Obama, television, central heating, the youth of today and looking at people cock-eyed, all of which she believes should be banned.
Phillips believes that Britain is rapidly becoming an Islamic theocracy, as well as, er, being run by the liberal elite. She wrote in 2008, 'You mark my words, within two years we'll all be wearing burkas.' In 2010, she clarified that she had meant metaphorical burkas, adding, 'It's the hijab you want to look out for. Mark my words, within two years we'll have to wear hijabs and be gay.' She explored these themes in her book Londonistan: How Britain is Creating a Terror State Within, its sequel Londonistan 2: Revenge of the Liberal Marxist Conspiracy to Create a Terror State Within and Londonistan 2: Revenge of the Liberal Marxist Conspiracy to Create a Terror State Within - Pop-up Edition, which were all printed on delightfully soft paper.
Phillips claims that Barack Obama is a 'liberal Marxist drug addict', suggesting that he may secretly be a Muslim who supports 'the gay anti-Zionist agenda'. Along with many Republicans, she has demanded that he show his birth certificate, and that he be submerged under water to ensure that he is not one, since it is well known that Muslims cannot drown. She has speculated too that he may be the Antichrist, arguing, 'His first name is 'Barack', which sounds an awful lot like 'barrack'. Hitler's soldiers stayed in barracks. Coincidence? 'Hussein' and 'Obama' are harmless enough names, or so it seems, but in fact 'Obama' shares a syllable with the Hebrew for the number 64, which is only two digits from being 666. If this isn't proof that he's the Antichrist and planning a Muslim uprising, I don't know what is.'
Palestine and Israel
A firm supporter of the state of Israel, Phillips has said that anyone who questions Israel's policies 'probably has a shrine to Hitler at his or her house, showered in the blood of Holocaust victims'. Her pro-Israel stance has led her to support military action against any countries which pose a threat to it, including Iraq, Iran, Italy and England, which sounds as though it begins with an 'i' and, she believes, is basically a Muslim theocracy anyway.
As a result of her views, she has attracted criticism from liberal Jews such as Johann Hari, Jonathan Freedland and Alan Dershowitz, some of whom have accused her of going beyond the bounds of civilised debate, to which she responded, 'This is typical abuse from the liberal Marxist Nazi elite which attempts to censor the truth, and besides, you all smell!'
Phillips is opposed to civil partnerships, adoption by gay couples, male interior designers and effeminate hand movements, arguing that 'an elite cabal of liberal Marxists, feminists, anti-Zionists has made a concerted effort to destroy humanity by undermining the family.' She points to a study performed by some bloke she met at the pub which indicates that 'every time a gay couple marries, a straight couple divorces, and two puppies die.'
Despite her generally progressive views on most issues, Phillips has a conservative stance on the role of women in society. 'If it were up to me,' she writes, 'I wouldn't be allowed to write this', going on to argue that women would be much liberated by staying at home and looking after their children, as long as their chains to the sink didn't cut off the circulation too much.'
Feminists, she believes, are the greatest threat to Western civilisation apart from 'liberal Marxists, atheists, Muslims, and recycling plants.' She argues that they have encouraged 'the mass culling of millions of little babies, who look up into their mothers' faces with love, shortly before the evil NHS doctors drill their brains out and eat them, in order to have strength to persecute some Christians on the way home.' Feminists 'have undermined the family unit, and won't stop until every child is an orphan and every woman bra-less.'
After dedicated research of the religion which mainly comprised reading the Asterix and Obelix books, Phillips concluded that the Druidic belief is 'totally barking mumbo-jumbo'. In 2004 she wrote, 'Spirits of nature? What piffle. Everyone knows that the only spirit is eternal, immaterial, existing outside time and space, answers prayers, disapproves of any form of sex but that between a man and a woman who are in the missionary position, blindfolded and apologising profusely, and confuses scientists with inter-species genetic similarities.' Incidentally, druids have since introduced the 'wicker woman'.
According to Phillips, evolution by natural selection is 'merely a theory'. It should, she argues, be taught at school alongside Intelligent Design; 'a proper biology syllabus would give students a detailed physiological explanation of different organisms, then explain that Jehovah, er, God, I mean, an intelligent designer did it.'
She further claims that evolution cannot explain things such as 'self-consciousness, altruism and how the liberal Marxists were able to enforce political correctness on children still in the womb.'
Phillips aroused controversy with a column in 2005, which simply said in size 76 font red lettering, 'PANIC: YOUR CHILDREN WILL DIE!' The Daily Mail later apologised, as it had accidentally printed the template for Phillips' articles, instead of that week's article. In the actual article on the MMR vaccine, Phillips suggested that it was linked to 'autism, Down's syndrome, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, lung cancer, breast cancer, man boobs then breast cancer, explosive diarrhoea, demonic possession and susceptibility to liberal Marxist propaganda'.
Phillips is sceptical of the existence of global warming. She claims that 'there is more ice, not less', that 'polar bears are growing in number, and will soon overrun civilisation, if the liberal Marxist atheists don't do so first', and that 'we must burn as many fossil fuels as possible to prevent the Earth from freezing thanks to the coldness of feminists' hearts.'
She has dubbed the campaign to stop anthropogenic global warming a 'witch-hunt by the liberal Marxist Nazi anti-Zionist feminist atheist politically correct gay pride Muslim lobby which seeks to destroy the world through teaching our children about sex and evolution and MMR and allowing immigration and... what was I talking about again?'