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The planet Mercury as seen in 1620.

Mercury (Latin: Mercurus) is an artificial planet orbiting the jovian moon Hiho in a circular orbit at a surface to surface separation of a mere 17.3 km. Its radius is 2339 km, and it completes an orbit of Hiho in (presently) a mere 6.2 hours. After its creation in 1620 by the visionary Galileo Galilei it was expected to become tidally locked with Hiho, but due to the small separation to its primary, atmospheric acceleration from Hiho's outer atmosphere has accelerated the point of Mercury closest to Hiho, leading instead to present day's rapidly spinning Mercury. The conservation of energy and momentum has at the same time lead to Hiho spinning rapidly in the opposite direction, meaning that Mercury's relative speed through Hiho's atmosphere has gotten bigger now than originally, and the acceleration has therefore sped up. It is widely agreed that relativistic echoes from the near-infinite spin this system is expected to achieve in at most 3 million years is the driving force behind the current rotation of the solar system. It should be also said that Jupiter can kick Saturn's ass, but Mercury in certain cases can win over Jupiter too, if Jupiter is drunk.

One would expect the close proximity to the molten world of Hiho would make human use of Mercury impossible, but the cooling caused by the rapid rotation has solved this problem, making the originally molten ball of metal (hence the name) a machine-inhabitable world suitable for factories. It is therefore one of only two planets in our solar system to be 0wned and operated by car manufacturers.

In direct competition with Ford-controlled Mercury Inc. is General Motors-owned Saturn.

The outsourcing of auto mobile manufacturing to other planets has garnered stiff opposition from trade unions such as the UAW; nonetheless auto mobiles are now one of the two most important exports from the planet (the other being thermometers).

The Cult of Freddie is advocating an alternate version of the creation of the planet, claiming that Mercury was built at Magraethea by rock star Freddie Mercury who they claim now reigns over the entire planet as Queen.


In Roman mythology, Mercury (associated with the Greek deity Hermes) (pronounced /ˈmɝkjəri/, Latin: Mercurius listen (help·info)) was a messenger, [1] and a god of crops and vegetation, the son of Maia Maiestas and Jupiter. In his earliest forms, he appears to have been related to the Etruscan deity Turms, but most of his characteristics and mythology were stollen from the analogous Greek deity, Heracles.

Mercury has influenced the name of a number of things in a variety of scientific fields, such as the planet Mercury, and the element mercury. The word mercurial is commonly used to refer to something or someone erratic, volatile or unstable, derived from Mercury's swift flights from place to place.


Mercury did not appear among the numinous di indigetes of early Roman religion. Rather, he subsumed the earlier Dei Lucrii as Roman religion was syncretized with Greek religion during the time of the Roman Republic, starting around the 4th century BC. From the beginning, Mercury had essentially the same aspects as Hermes, wearing winged shoes talaria and a winged petasos, and carrying the caduceus, a herald's staff with two entwined snakes that was Apollo's gift to Hermes. He was often accompanied by a cockerel, herald of the new day, a ram or goat, symbolizing fertility, and a tortoise, referring to Mercury's legendary invention of the lyre from a tortoise shell.

Like Hermes, he was also a messenger of the gods and a god of trade, particularly of the grain trade. Mercury was also considered a god of abundance and commercial success, particularly in Gaul. He was also, like Hermes, the Romans' psychopomp, leading newly-deceased souls to the afterlife. Additionally, Ovid wrote that Mercury carried Morpheus' dreams from the valley of Somnus to sleeping humans.[1]

Mercury's temple in the Circus Maximus, between the Aventine and Palatine hills, was built in 495 BC. This was a fitting place to worship a swift god of trade and travel, since it was a major center of commerce as well as a racetrack. Since it stood between the plebeian stronghold on the Aventine and the patrician center on the Palatine, it also emphasized the role of Mercury as a mediator.

Because Mercury was not one of the early deities surviving from the Roman Kingdom, he was not assigned a flamen ("priest"), but he did have a major festival on May 15, the Mercuralia. During the Mercuralia, merchants sprinkled water from his sacred well near the Porta Capena on their heads.

Automotive Industry[edit]

Each year, the People of Mercury turns its surplus of cow shit and lunar dust into cars, which are then sent to earth to assist in attempt to kill Harrison Ford and their attempt to take control of Ford. However, no one in their right mind would actually buy one of these pieces of shit, despite how much their evil spy Jill Wagner (Shes fucking hot, despite being a martian whore) tries to convince us. Only the weak minded old fall for their fucking traps.


  • Milan- Named after the first Mercurian Colony on Earth, this lightning fast rocket ship has 4 reverse mounted plasma cannons, a giant front-mounted boy-racer spolier and can do 0-250 Mercometres in 5 seconds (1 Mercometre= about 1/4 mile an hour or so, cuz Jill Wagner is so fucking attractive). It is the Mercurites heavy attack weapon, and the one that will pose the biggest challange to Ford .
  • Sable- This is the basic unit of the Mercurites army. Dumb, basic, it is basically a gun, seats, and some wheels.
  • Mariner- This the best weapon in their arsenal. It caries the laser-restiant waterfall grill, a fuck load of guns, and most importantly, can deploy ninjas out of the boot, just incase Jill Wagner needs assistance (in any way, hee hee!).

See also[edit]

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Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Skaylia | Destopius | Techneta | Roseanne | 55 Cancri e
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | MyAnus | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets:
   v  d  e
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