Mercury (element)

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Ford <- Mercury -> Lincoln
Name Mercury
Symbol Hg
Number 80
Kinkiness moderate to high
Physical Properties
Melting point No need to worry[1] °C, or maybe No need to worry[1] °F
Boiling point Turn on your AC!!! °C, or maybe Turn on your AC!!! °F
Flavour Scrumptious
Appearance Melted silver, very slimy.
Electronegativity Already conducts electricity.
Natural Habitat Thermometers, Thermostat.
Known Isotopes

“What level does the mercury reach before you don't have to go to school”

~ 118.6

Mercury is one of the chemical elements. It is a silver-colored liquid, and it is used as a poison.

Mercury poisoning[edit]

Mercury Poisoning is the systemic ecological poisoning of the planet Mercury that has been caused by massive unregulated and underplanned industrial buildup and the dumping of toxic chemicals by white people.

Long ago The planet Mercury was a verdant world with fair weather, low humidity and ample parking. It was a place where panda bears ate grue and grue ate bamboo in the great grue zoo. The weather was so nice, in fact, that nobody needed thermometers so they sold them all to the people of Earth. The demand for thermometers was so high that Mercury had to produce their own quicksilver and built a giant silver processing plants to speed their silver up. Huge strip mines to mine the raw silver scarred the planet's surface. So great was the export of Mercury Brand Quicksilver that, like band-aids and vaseline the generic product had become brand-named in the common lexicon and quicksilver became known as mercury.

Newton's first law states that to speed something up you must remove it's slowness. The massive amounts of slowness removed from silver by the quicksilver industry was carelessly dumped into local rivers ruining the white water rafting industry. Eventually the slowness seeped into the ground water and caused slow death and slow children amongst the populace while devastating the native loris population. Bamboo growth slowed to the point where it could not sustain the grue population, causing them to supplement their diet with you.

Soon the entire planet was so slow that they voted hardline Republican and eliminated all industrial standards and environmental laws. The Atari Company buried a hundred zillion billion unsold copies of E.T. on Mercury, destroying the environment. Soon the luscious 3-D environment with real time lighting effects became one with choppy graphics and unresponsive play control. The government's attempt to spray paint over this eyesore just fucked up the ozone layer.

Eventually Mercury poisoning was killing the hell out of everything in it's way, turning the entire planet into a sun-ravaged, lifeless shithole only useful for torturing monkeys.


  1. It is already a liquid!!!!!
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