Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
“I didn't understand any of that shit.”
“Free moustache rides.”
“That's not a monkey, that's his younger brother.”
“How the fuck am I so old now?”
[An overly dramatic shot of Solid Snake saluting an unknown grave in Arlington National Cemetery while a helicopter circles overhead]
OTACON(tripped out of the helicopter): Snaaaaaake!!!
SNAKE: Otacon, even my dead ears died.
OTACON: Snake, that didn’t make any sense at all. I hope this accelerated aging thing isn't affecting your brain.
OTACON(walking towards the helicopter): Snake, I don’t have time for this. Look - we have someone waiting for us.
SNAKE: Otacon, what about the test results?
OTACON: Well Snake, according to your chart you're fucked up but we won't know anything else till we talk to Naomi.
SNAKE: Naomi?!? You mean that whore that sleeps with everyone and that no one cares about?
[Snake and Otacon board the helicopter where they are greeted by Colonel Campbell]
SNAKE: Wow Colonel, that’s a nice suit. I figured the only place I’d see you dressed like that is at your daughter's wedding
BILLY MAYES: HI! billy mayes here!
SNAKE: Oh shit, its the shamwow guy!
COLONEL: No it's out there, now we just have live with it. Look we have some more important business to talk about.
COLONEL: We found Liquid, in the Middle East.
Metal Gear Solid 4 is the extremely anticipated 4th installment of the MGS series. Most fans were overjoyed when they discovered that Solid Snake would be returning as the main protagonist instead Raiden. However, nearly the same amount of people were relieved when they found out they only had to drop $200 on a PS3 just to play the prefect game.
Like all the rest of the MGS series, this game revolves around avoiding being detected by enemies who can see like 200 feet in front of themselves. Who enjoy long walks in circles and looking in empty boxes in their spare time. And enjoy a good bit of a search and Volgin style ball grabbing when snake searches them
An interesting and innovative addition to the new MGS game is that only half the people in it are trying to kill you, as opposed to all of them. Most of the game takes place on a battlefield between terrorists and Wal-mart corporate soldiers. You can choose to help the terrorists if you want to be unamerican, however the corporate soldiers refuse to accept any help because like all Wal-Mart employees they are too depressed and suicidal to care.
There are also some totally cool, yet unrealistic tools to help Snake out on his journey. There is the MK 2 which was developed by Tyco and is completely fuckin' useless. There is also the octocamo suit he uses to blend into the background; it’s still not as useful as the stealth camo. Why doesn't Snake just get the stealth from the beginning? I mean seriously it was there like 3 games ago, and Otacon was actually the one who made that shit. The Box snake normally uses is in the game but found only if you have eyes... It was replaced instead by a metal drum when Snake finally realized that after 20 years of hiding from people, a box is a terrible disguise in urban combat situations. Hobo fire pit or clever disguise? One thing's for sure; they are both being used by debilitated old veterans that have been abandoned by the government. Plus you can't use the box to knock people over with.
Like all Metal Gears, Snake has a huge arsenal of weapons that he somehow keeps in the satchel on his chest. The satchel was probably invented by Otacon seeing as it defies all laws of physics and proably contains 4 or 5 extra spatial dimensions. Most of the weapons you have in the game are totally devoid of any use. I mean seriously, did you see that one gun from like the 1600s?
The psychology bar in MGS4 is something that’s new to the series. When it gets low Snake has a hard time firing weapons accurately. In order to restore it you can look at Playboy or give yourself a shot of morphine in your neck.
One huge improvement about this game is the fact that most people don't call you on the codec every 15 seconds to tell you something that is utterly pointless. Plus when they do call you, the conversation usually doesn't last anymore than three hours like they did in the previous games.
The plot to this game is so far fetched; your head would explode if you even tried to understand it. But I’ll try to explain it anyway.
Ok, for some reason Campbell decides to hire Snake to assassinate Liquid, who is about to take over the world (GASP!). This event has been dubbed "Liquid Ocelot's Erection." Snake looks feeble as hell, there must of been at least 1000 other qualified people he could have chosen to do this that didn’t have the body of an eighty year old man. In any case, Snake meets up with a guy named Drebin. This character proves just how racist the Japanese creators of the game are. Drebin is a black dude who sells illegal guns to Snake and he hangs out with a monkey, very inappropriate. Snake then meets up with Meryl, who is disgusted by the fact that his face looks like a wrinkly ball sack and tells him that they should just be friends. While this was happening they are attacked by Liquid's special forces, the FROGS. After easily kicking their asses Snake goes to infiltrate Liquid's military camp. Once there Liquid activates a system that makes all of his soldiers go apeshit and start shooting each other. After a three or four hour speech directed at Snake, Liquid leaves in his helicopter. Again. Just like the first game. It could have been worse though - at least he lost that faggy English accent.
After receiving so many calls from Naomi about how much South America sucks, Snake and the gang decide to go give her a ride. While out in the jungle, Snake sees some kind of monster that is a cheap rip-off off Dr Octopus from Spiderman hanging out with Vamp, even though he died in the last game. Later he meets up with Drebin who tells Snake that the world is being controlled by a computer system engineered by the Patriots. After letting Drebin inject him with a needle, with no idea what it contains, Snake and he part ways. Snake eventually meets up with Naomi who tells him that the FOXDIE he has is an industrial form of SUPERAIDS that will destroy the entire human race if he doesn’t die in three months. She also tells him that Liquid is going to use Big Boss' burntass body to try and control the world. After Snake kicks Laughing Octopus' ass they try and get the hell out of there. After being trapped by shittons of mini metal gears, Raiden shows up and totally cuts them to pieces. It was kinda cool, plus he’s not a whiny little bitch anymore like he was in the last game. In any case, everyone got sick of hanging out in God's blind spot and decided to go to Europe
beeep beeep…beeep beeep
ROSEMARY: Snake, your psyche gauge is the gauge below your Life Gauge.
SNAKE: Yes, you told me.
ROSEMARY: Well, then you'll-
[Snake Presses Triangle button]
ROSEMARY: By the way, Snake...
ROSEMARY: Do you remember what day today is?
A handful of interesting things happen in this part of the game. Otacon gets some pussy for the first time in like 15 years. This is probably one of the gayest parts of the game. You have to follow some chode around for what seems like hours. But when you’re done you get to meet Snake's mom EVA. She’s like 90 years old and still rockin her cleavage. You know the woman who did her voice was the same person played Catwoman in the original Batman series. I’d totally do her. I mean EVA, not the chick who did her voice. Ok I’d prolly do her too. But I digress, there is an epic motorcycle battle, Liquid renders nearly every gun on earth useless and he burns Big Boss' body again. Oh and you find out that Zero was the leader of the patriots Bonus, Snake gets a bad ass burn scar on his face.Yeah you know what I am going to hit that....
So Snake and Raiden have a huge sympathy contest about who has a sadder life. Oh, and for some reason Liquid wants to destroy the computer that he controls that controls the world and the only way he can do this is by going back to Shadow Moses to get the rail gun from Rex. So naturally Snake follows him there in an attempt to stop him.
beeep beeep…beeep beeep
OTACON: Wow Snake - this place certainly brings back memories, doesn’t it?
SNAKE: Godammit Otacon, it is like -40 degrees out here and there are assholes with guns all over this place. Can't this wait? I don’t need any advice right now.
OTACON: You know it isn't always about you Snake, maybe I wanted to talk.
So Snake gets to the Rex and finds the rail gun missing and Vamp waiting for him. Then Raiden shows up and totally kicks his ass. After a huge sob fest, Naomi dies of cancer and they decide to escape using the Rex, and even though Liquid got what he wanted from that place, he came back and decided to have an epic metal gear fight. After Snake rung his bell, Raiden's dumb ass decided to get involved and lost both his arms in the process.
While on Mei Ling's ship, Snake, Meryl and that one dude from the previous MGS games that keeps shitting his pants decide to infiltrate Liquid's ship in order to kick his ass and destroy the computer that is running the world. It is revealed that Mei Ling has lost not only her accent, possibly Konami's form of political correctness, but her self-respect. She attempts to seduce that shit pants guy and even moves in on Snake...ew. Everything was going smoothly until Snake began to have another seizure. For some reason the syringes filled with horse tranquilizer and Geritol that Naomi had given him earlier were no longer working. Right when he was about to get killed, Raiden showed up and pwned all the enemy guards with a sword in his mouth. After that Snake had to walk through a superheated microwave tunnel with the MK2 to get to the main computer and upload the virus to destroy it. When they got there the MK2 uploaded the virus. So really if you think it about Snake didn’t even have to go through the tunnel in the first place. If I were him I would have just shot the Mk. II after uploading the virus., but I don’t think he even noticed he didn't have to go anyway. After that Snake and Liquid had one of the most epic yet homoerotic fistfights to the death that the world has ever seen, with Snake eventually emerging victorious. Unless you suck DICK.
At the end of this painfully long story Meryl decides to marry the guy who keeps shitting his pants, besides that ass of hers doesn't quite wiggle like it did in the first game. But Snake (If he didn't) shoulda just banged her in the first game. Raiden decided to make up with his wife, cuz I mean come on, that was like the only thing he had that could hide the fact that he likes to be penetrated by large black men. After Snake decided not to blow his brains out, he was greeted by his father Big Boss. Strangely resembling the man with the yellow hat, he was still alive thanks to Scientology. Ok maybe it wasn't Scientology but it’s a way better explanation than the one that was given.
If you beat the game in Over 9000 hours, you get this epic ending.