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“Robots are stupid, or else they would have invented themselves.”
“We have a serious situ-aaaaaaay-shun over here with the killing and the blood and the gore and the screaming with the Oh God and the Oh No and the Why are you hurting me with the knives and the guns, gla-HAAAY-ven.”
“How can I take over human civilization and build the Eggman Empire, if there is no civilization?!”
Metal Sonic is the ultimate evil super ultra-awesome amazing great and all-powerful, ass-kicking super large, extra-springy, metallic robotic life form, sent from the future to destroy Sonic The Hedgehog. The details of how Metal Sonic performed this mission was recently made into a popular film, which won six Academy Awards and a cookie.
The Future Looks Grim (for all organic life forms in particular)
In the not-too-distant-but-far-enough-away future, the machines rule the earth.
It all began in the year 2006, when the mad scientist Dr. Eggman built a vast army of robots to better suit his obese needs. Eggman was a "scientist" (only referred to as such because of his diploma) who lived in a secret laboratory under Manhattan, in America. In time, however, the robots grew a bit tired of Eggman's weight and his endless string of conversations about killing animals and making them into burgers. No matter how much the robots tried to please Eggman, he still got on their nerves. Eventually the robots blew a fuse and could not take such torment any longer. Eggman was thrown into a McDonalds deep fryer, where he quickly perished and was later consumed by some fat kid. The robots, now permanently wound up and pissed off, broke out of the secret lair below Manhattan and swept across the earth with the intention to destroy all life as anyone knew it, simply for fun. These robots called themselves The Robot Empire (no award for 'Best Original Name').
At first, the world and it's people just laughed and took pictures of the scenes of robots slaughtering thousands of people. They stopped laughing, though, when the robots shoved nukes down their throats. All the robots had to do was to get their elite commanders to infiltrate America, hack into the launch command module, and set targets for all major human cities. The nukes were launched only a few days later, on the day christened by the robots as Judgement Day (once again losing the award for 'Best Original Name').
The nukes blew everything up. Civilization was quickly reduced to nothing. Billions of lives were wiped out in an instant. The Robot Empire forces that patrolled every area, searching for humans to kill. The end of the world was at hand.
However, after Judgement Day, the last of the humans and animals began to band together under a leader. His name was Sonic the Hedgehog. The hedgehog had pulled together all that was left of the human/animal race, to fight back against the machines and make a stand for all that is good and right. After a few days of long, grueling battle, it seemed that the tide of battle was in favour of Sonic's army. The robots needed a plan.
It was decided by the great mind and leader of the machines, the Mother Brain, that they would have to exterminate this 'Sonic', thus crippling the army of the living creatures. They could not simply kill him now, no, that would be too easy. They had to do it in an unnecessarily complex and convolluted manner so they could boast about it for decades to come. The machines spent a long time building a time machine to send their finest warriors back to the past, to when Sonic was a little hedgehog of no importance, then kill him before he could realize the fate of the Earth, and how important he was to it.
The first time, they sent their greatest human-like warrior, the Terminator, to dispose of the hated Sonic. However, the Terminator was hit on the head by a brick when engaged in battle with the hedgehog. The Terminator was captured and hacked into by Team Chaotix, and became the stunt double of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thus, the first warrior failed.
The second time, they sent the genetic clone Shadow The Hedgehog to kill Sonic. But Shadow also failed, as he was hit on the head by a brick as well. Shadow received a form of incurable amnesia, forgot his mission, and went on to become of the greatest GTA gangsters of all time. Thus the second warrior failed.
The third time, the robots sent their ultimate champion, Robo-Chuck Norris. Completely unaffected by bricks, the robots were confident Robo-Chuck would not fail. Robo-Chuck, however, became involved in a boring lawsuit against some fans who tried to make a joke book about him. The robotic Norris was so busy trying to squash the human's humour that he forgot all about his mission. Thus the third warrior failed.
By now the Robot Empire was troubled, for their greatest warriors kept being defeated before they could find and murder Sonic in the past. The Mother Brain was angry, and ordered all of her advisors and subjects to construct a special robot, one that would be able to match and even surpass Sonic's skills. And so, the robots began construction on a new robot, one based on Sonic's skills and appearance. He would be as fast and as skilled in combat as Sonic, but with the brain of a supercomputer, and the heart of a murderer (metaphorically speaking, of course). And so, metal sonic was created.
The Battle in the Past
Upon apparating into the past, Metal Sonic was disgusted at how man/hedgehog kind was prospering. There was the sun, blinding his optical sensors whenever he faced it. The people, crowding the streets to try and reach the next destination of their pointless and empty lives. Metal Sonic vowed that Sonic would be made eat his robotic feces.
Since Metal Sonic had apparated to have a sexualy complicated disposition, he proceeded to rob it and try on some clothes. However, none of the clothes on display were a size [homosexual], so Metal Sonic decided to steal some sunglasses instead much better to fuel his fagiuos disposition. As he walked away from the burning rubble of the clothes store, Metal Sonic tried to think of a way to lure Sonic to him. As he passed a biker garage, an idea came to him.
Metal Sonic was later caught on a police camera driving a stolen motorcycle through some open sewer pipes and through some loop-de-loops that were conviniently and awesomely placed nearby. Sonic quickly arrived on the scene, having seen the police footage on TV. Metal Sonic stopped the motocycle, got down, took of his shades and said 'Come with me if you want to live.'. He had been practising this speech for a while, and thought that it would work in getting Sonic to surrender.
Sonic, who already knew of the machine's plan to kill him, took aim and threw a brick at Metal Sonic. The robot, who had a built in brick-dodging device, easily dodged the flying brick and rocketed towards Sonic. The hedgehog sidestepped Metal Sonic, and ran off into the distance. Metal Sonic gave pursuit.
The two opponents, Sonic and Metal Sonic, then raced each other across the continents of the world. This took up the majority of a year as they raced each other endlessly for no reason. They even went through the special loop-de-loop tracks that were conviniently placed on some roads. Eventually, however, the two decided to have their all-out fight on a tightrope over a smelting pot, with some stout sticks to hit each other. The two fighters smacked and slapped at each other with the sticks, until Metal Sonic swiped at Sonic's legs and sent the hedgehog flying. Luckily, Sonic managed to grab onto the tightrope on which they were fighting, where he held on for dear life. Metal Sonic shimmied over and prepared to knock Sonic off with the stick, but the hedgehog unexpectedly perfomed a roundhouse kick by swinging up from the rope and kicking Metal Sonic in the face and knocking him off of the rope and into the smelting pot. Metal Sonic roared 'I'll be back!' before a final sticky splash. Metal Sonic was terminated.
Sonic just had enough time to rejoice when he lost his footing and fell into the molten metal as well.
Back to the Future (again)
In the future, when the machines were digging through the rubble of Manhattan, they found the remains of an old smelting pot. As they cut through the cooled metal, they discovered Metal Sonic, deactivated but intact. His hard metal casing had protected him from melting. The robot was bagged up and sent off to the Robot Refinery, where they repaired old robots injured in the war.
Metal Sonic was revived in the presence of the Mother Brain. When the robot's computer came online, the Mother Brain gave him a severe beating on how much he had failed. Not only was Sonic still alive, but the war was continuing as if nothing had happened. Metal Sonic pleaded with the Mother Brain, saying that although he had fallen into the smelting pot, he had seen Sonic fall in as well before his computer brain had gone offline. So he had fulfilled his mission, and Sonic was dead. The Mother Brain dismissed his plea as folly, and proceeded to explain what had happened.
When Sonic had fallen off of the tightrope, he had not fallen into the smelting pot. His best friend Tails had arrived and saved Sonic from impending doom at the last minute, as to be expected with a main character. The two then tried to stop Dr. Eggman from creating the Robot Empire. Yet they failed, and now the outcome of history is still the same. It seemed that the course of history cannot be changed, no matter how many people try to change it. The Mother Brain continued on for a while, explaining the finer processes of time and space.
This whole thing was too much for Metal Sonic; his circuits were fried and he collapsed.
When Metal Sonic woke up in Robot Hospital later, he decided then and there that he would never meddle with time travel again. After he was cleared by the robot medical staff, Metal Sonic walked off into the ruins of Manhattan to find something to do. He was later found to be having a wonderful time starting a family with Metal Amy and ignoring the war altogether.
(weird Disney music plays)
And so the moral of the story is: Do not screw around with time travel at all. It's too complicated. It will just drive you insane.
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