Michael Cullen

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“Even Karl Marx knows more about economics then that poor prick.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Michael Cullen

“Nice guy, he even does my taxes for me.”

~ George W Bush on Michael Cullen


~ Your Mom on Michael Cullen

“Poor Prick! .”

~ John Key on Micheal Cullen
Michael Cullen
Michael Cullen
Personal info
Nationality New Zealander
Date of birth May 23, 1945
Place of birth in the flames of Mount Doom, London
Date of death
Place of death
First Lady No one knows. But rumoured to be having a wild affair with Georgina Bying
Political career
Vice President
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office December 5, 2002–Til the Riech ends (anywhere between 3 and 1000 years)
Preceded by Heinrich Himmler and Jim Anderton
Succeeded by Bill English
Political party Communist Party
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Michael Cullen.

Dr Michael John Cullen (born 5 February 1945, London) is a New Zealand spineless bureaucrat (as if we needed anymore of those!).

Cullen currently serves as Deputy Prime Minister of New Zealand, Minister of Finance, Minister of Tertiary Education, Attorney-General and Leader of the House. He is deputy leader of the New Zealand Labour Party, currently the largest party in Parliament.

Early Life and Entry into Politics[edit]

Michael Cullen impersonater Heinrich Himmler.

Michael Cullen was born in London, back in a time when England had some sense and they kicked him out for being a spy for the Soviet Union at the age of 3, when they found a copy of the Communist Manifesto under his bed. They sent him to West Germany where he was quickly promoted to the Prime Minister for his striking resemblance to (which he still carrys to this day). Even more coinsidently, he was born on exactly the same day that Himmler died. At the age of 6 the West German Military staged a coup against him for his lack of any detailed policy, and running the country into ruin. After a jury decided that death was too good for him he was exiled to New Zealand (who they were at war with at the time) in the earlist know instance on Geonological warfare.

Education in New Zealand[edit]

Michael settled into life in New Zealand, fitting nicely into the Devil worshiping and Bogan communities where he gained the rank of Grand Imperial Wizard. He excelled at Cambridge High School in Hamilton in all subjects except Economics, English, Maths, Accouinting, History, Geography, Sheep hearding, and The Kiwi Learners Course. In his report however his teachers noted his ablility to make such boring speaches that the teacher thought what he was saying must be intelligent (something that has helped him throughout his political carrer). Michael eventually decided to do a degree in economics at Cantabury University in Wellington where he meet his future love; Georgina Bying (who was a man at the time). Michael failed his degree, but still puts the fact that he attempted it on the top of his C.V.

Labor Party Politics[edit]

In 1974 Michael Cullen decided to join the Communist Party of New Zealand along with his, now girlfriend Georgina Bying. Upon him entering the party headquarters for the first time he got over-enthusiastic and performing a Nazi salute and yelled "Heil Hitler". Needless to say they promoted him to the finance spokesman position immediately. In order to boost his popularity he organised a "good jokers pub night" where he told many racist jokes, which formed the basis of his racist ideology. Fortunately for him on the same day ,John Lennon was stepped on and killed by accident, so no one cared. To cut a long story short he fucked the country up.

Michael then realised that no one really liked him or his policy and decided to change his tactics. He took classes in election fraud and mass hypnotism. When he proved to be no good at these he simply decided to keep running for office until people got extremely tired of the other government and elected him. After 6 elections campaigns it worked and he managed to get into government, mainly because of public outrage after New Zealand lost its main industry, selling white flags to France.


Michael Cullen after his morph.

Apon taking up the treasury Michael under went massive physical changes due to him having to look at 8 figure checks all day. He rarely moves from his seat in parliament now and when he was sent out by the speaker for burping too loud a crane was required to remove him. Despite this bad look he is still the P.R. spokesperson for the Labour Party, mainly because all their other senior MP's have yet to disclose their gender (see Helen Clark). In the 2005 election the National Party focused its campaign entirly on Michael Cullen's physical appearance with the slogan: Do you really want this hideous, inbread freak controlling your finances? During this campaign Labour and National party advertising were found to be identical. Labour won, mainly because they won the bogan vote, which makes up 52% of the New Zealand population. These days you can find Michael in his seat in Parliment, which is being constantly renovated around him for fear of collapse. Infact spending on Michael Cullen is now 2nd biggest expenditure of the New Zealand government, behind Labor Party advertising.

Some of his achievements include:

  • Setting up Kiwi Bank. This however went bust after Labour decided to take out a loan to cover their massive election debt.
  • Giving himself and his fellow MP's massive pay rise.
  • Single handedly]] re-educational facility and the New Zealand secret police: Th doubling the annual cost of the sickness benifit.
  • Setting up Helengrade Destiny Church.
  • Organising the biggest American flag/book burning since the 2005 Australian bush fire season.
  • Setting up the Intrest Free Student loan policy. This aims to make student loans as boring as possible.
  • Starting one of New Zealand's biggest export industries, skilled labour.

Michael Cullen and Tax Cuts[edit]

Someone once said that Michael Cullen and tax cuts was like the longest strip tease in world history; 8 years and he's still got all his clothes on. In 2005 when doctor death was running against the New Zealand Communist party Michael promised tax cuts, the thing is that he lied. In 2007 at the Labour party confrence he promised more tax cuts. Is he lying? The answer is almost certainly yes! One expert in human psychology has analyised Michael's relationship with tax cuts and classified it as 'complicated'. On the one hand he promises them, says they are good and blames everyone and everything else for him not giving any. On the other hand he often yells at multi millionare John Key: "You fucking rich prick scumbag! You think i am going to cut your taxs you class traitor? Well I'd rather die then see you get one more dollar of cash from my surplus! Fuck you and go to hell!"

Facts about Michael Cullen[edit]

Cullen's drinking buddy, Ben Hana.
  • He has predicted the fall of the New Zealand dollar more then 30 times now, it never happened.
  • He was the international tiddlywinks champion once, but he failed a drug test.
  • Him and Trevor like to go drinking with blanket man.
  • When Michael says that there is a surplus, you know there's a surplus.
  • Michael once launched a leadership coup against Helen Clark, he would have won but he was too fat to lift his hand and cast the deciding vote.
  • He is currently in talks with the French military to negotiate their surender of New Caledonia.

Michael Cullens's habits[edit]

  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Taking 'his cut' of the government surplus (usually about 40%).
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Swimming in the government treasury vault.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Demonic rituals.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Shoving tennis balls in childrens mouth's.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Commiting emigration fraud.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Commiting welfare fraud.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Boring you so much with his speech's that you think he must be saying something intelligent.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Going into debt.
  • Increasing Taxes.
  • Calling the rebel leader John Key a "Rich Prick!" in a TV interview which lead to the Civil War of New Zealand .
  • Increasing Texas.