Microsoft
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“In Soviet Russia, Software Programs YOU!!”
“We love your money!”
Micro$$$oft, also known as Microshit, Microsocks, Mickeysoft, The Spawn of All Evil, Microshaft and "more evil than Satan himself", and formerly known as Mike-Rowe-Soft, inspired by disciplined structure of a old crow's nest, is a former world domination axed company that now produces nerve cell destroying software. Microsoft has been sucking ass for the past 20 Million Years and will not stop until Apple dies!! According to Andy Braiterman (Bill Gates' college roommate). sorry you have a virus.... again! you can't this bit
Origins[edit]
The Name Microsoft was first thought up by Bill Gates himself, Bill Gates named Microsoft after his Penis because it was Micro and Always Soft.
History[edit]
Microsoft was founded in 1 BCE (within the release of Windows BC) by a couple of nerdy (really nerdy) Greek gods who couldn't. In 1974, Bill Gates became the emperor of after his splendid initiation ceremony. Since 1995, Microsoft has re-released Windows BC under newer and fancier names on prime years.
Prediction
- Nostradamus predicted that Windows will appear.[1] Here is the prediction:
“I see bugs, many bugs, A LOT OF BUGS, CAN'T LOOK ANY MORE!!!”
- This was the last prediction of Nostradamus. After seeing all the bugs in Windows, Negrodamus suffered total brain injury and crashed.
New technologies
First success
- After a bit of researching for porn and drinking vodka with cocaine they had some ideas:
- Smash the computer technology
- Using the newest bugs and errors, Windows Vista can now anger anyone. Even a peaceful Buddhist. Welsh conspiracy theorist Aled Jones has asserted that this anger inducing quality is a ploy by which Microsoft aims to create a private army that will finally enable it to dominate all space and time.
- Errors with built-in bugs
Some errors can't be generated because of bugs in the annoying core function in Windows. "These problems will be solved in this millennium," officials say.
- RSoD
RSoD
RSoD is the ultimate punishment for starting Windows Vista. It is more likely to appear if you use Windows XP. This is because the kernel of Windows Vista is made to become a cataclysmically bugged-in combination with a more stable Windows. If you get this, you are totally screwed and should hang yourself immediately.
Errors[edit]
Dedicated to Tara Newmark Errors have evolved over the years and are appreciated by many critics.
Operating System Versions[edit]
Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:
- MS-UNO - the very first OS ever created by Man, entirely written on a piece of parchment.
- Windows 1912 - released in 1912
- MS-DOS - a more refined version of the contained MS-UNO GUI, catering to the people who spend entire millennia in front of a computer screen.
- MS-CUATRO - currently a development version of a virtual reality user interface
- Windows BC - Used to record the Rise and Decline of Rome. Infamous for GSoD'ing every tablet it came in contact with.
- Windows 3.1 - Look It's All Blue!
- Windows 42 - Just like the original book, it takes seven million years to perform each calculation.
- Windows 89 - Not to be confused with Windows 98, this was the 32 bit prototype for Windows 95. However, back in 1989 someone pointed out to Bill Gates, "But Bill - we can't release it now, as it has tons of bugs in it, and besides, it's not backward compatible with 16-bit machines." So Bill did the responsible thing: he just waited six years for 16 bit machines to become obsolete, and released it anyway. Oh yeah, and in the meantime he solved all the bugs by putting it through extensive research and development.
- Windows 95 - What do you want to stare at today?
- Windows 98 - The only virus you pay to install on your system.
- Windows 2000 - It was made to be just like Windows 2010. Instead, it destroyed three other universes.
- Windows ME - The choice of name is a mystery. Some people have suggested it stands for "More Errors". Uncyclopedia however rejects this possibility, because there is no number larger than infinite.
- Also, due to its annoying habit of suddenly crashing, no-one has yet successfully used Windows ME.
- Windows XP - Bill Gates was feeling lonely so he invented an operating system that automatically makes you send him nice messages from time to time (or as they are otherwise known, Error Reports).
- An elderly IT tutor at College told me, "It is impossible to get the BSOD on Windows XP or 2000, unless you have been looking at porn sites." Unfortunately he did not explain how this could be possible, or more importantly, which ones.
- Windows Vista- The suckiest version of Windows which is supposed to do tons of groovy things with graphics but does not. Needless to say it is incompatible with most on-board graphics cards. This version offers horrible security, (quality) spyware, 3D, RSoD, trojans and many other great features.
- Windows 7- Another big error, Bill Gates wanted to name that version Windows 666 but a bug in MS Word forced him to rename it to Windows 7
- Windows Pain - Yes, quite often.
- Windows 2010 - This OSfudgesiclecrashes. Pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL is rumored to "pwn" the hard drive while turning off the PC. To reboot could have dire consequences for all the dark matter in the universe. Only three copies were ever sold, one to a man named Harry Winkler. He managed to wipe out half of Arizona after he tried to install Microsoft Works.
- Wind0ws n00b - Once installed, it can run one program: "World of Warcraft" it gives you a special ability to PwNzOr big NeWbZ0rZ.
- Windows Fail Edition - The newest OS of Microshit, it causes random system crashes and BSoDs every 10 seconds. Also the main cause of suicide in many countries.
- Windows OS X Mountain-soft - Now runs on MS-DOS and C++ and the whole system is a virus.
The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software[edit]
The well known MS Paint has been the best editing software in the history of computer-kind. It was rated by the PCWorld Magazines and the ComputerGeek Incorporated the most useful tool for editing graphics[3]. Throughout the history and versions of Paint (1.0, 2.0, 3.1, 4.0, 5.1 and 6.0 with version 7 to come), it has been a success knocking off CorelDraw off the market and into the stinking crappy sewage of Hong Kong. It is also worth buying because it doesn't cost anything and comes in Windows. Why is it such a success? Before they sell Paint out to the market Microsoft made a meeting with the CEO, the project of the meeting is to decide the name for the successful graphic editing software currently called "Paint". They started off with, Color, Alps , Van Gogh and ended up with , Photostation, ArtWorkshop and Paint. But guess what, they chose "Paint"!... Then how is it such a success? MS Paint had been used in underground advertising, graphics in Windows Vista, 99% of the images in Google, blockbuster movies such as "The Matrix", drawing moustaches on Queen Elizabeth etc. So you are better off with Paint than any other graphic software such as the fanciness of Adobe Photoshop.'
Name[edit]
There are many different explanations for Microsoft's name. The main explanation is that Bill Gates named it after his dick on a boring Saturday night. It also might have been after Noel Coward punched Bill Gates in the balls. Or maybe he never did and it was always that way. The world may never know.
Cars[edit]
Micro$oft cars seemed like a good idea, but the prototypes were riddled with problems:
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
- You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
- Canonical makes a car that's solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only pisses once a day on the Microsoft car.
- The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights were replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
- It may go crazy....only God knows what's going to happen.
- New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
- The car may restart it self, if this happens you are magically teleported back to the begining of your trip.
- Don't use a iPod or a iPhone in the car, just trust me.
- The airbag would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- A BSoD would appear on the windscreen everytime the radiator overheats, ordering you to seek help from a microsoft employee.
- The navigation system has to reboot every time the car is started.
- The car would spontaneously stop responding. To fix it, you would have to close all windows, restart the car and for some unknown reason you would not complain about it.
- The traffic lines ran away from the car.
- While you are driving the car, it will veer off the road and crash for no apparent reason.
- We'd all have to switch to Micro$oft Gas (tm).
- All the neat useful bits like head lights, accelerator pedal, and paint, would come in an optional 'Plus' pack.
- All your bases and windows will sometimes display the message "All your bases are now belongs to Lolsec!" showing you that Lolsec has hacked your car and is now stealing your data for the common good and using your fake car to host their own data.