Microsoft Sidewinder

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Microsoft Sidewinder.

“Behold, For we are revolutionizing evil!”

~ Bill Gates on Microsoft Sidewinder

The Microsoft Sidewinder is a brand for guns designed for use by gamers. Microsoft began manufacture of the Sidewinder in 1954 in an attempt to make more money. They succeeded selling millions of units, and over the time the products became more advanced and better looking. The Microsoft Sidewinder brand was discontinued when M1cR0s0ft bought the rights to make the Sidewinder hardware. They can still be purchased at retail or eBay ...which is gay.

Microsoft Sidewinder Force Chaingun 2[edit]

Microsoft Sidewinder Force Chaingun 2

The Microsoft Sidewinder Force Chaingun 2 is an improved version of the original Force Chaingun Pro. The new version contains a redesigned look, new features, faster fire rate, improved capacity, and a new auto-lock system which will hit your target 100% guaranteed. It was recently redesigned with silver buttons, red lights and silver chrome. Most experts recommend the improved version because of the improved stability and comfort, and built-in R.A.D.A.R. functionality.

Microsoft Sidewinder Precision AR 2[edit]

The Microsoft Sidewinder Precision AR 2 is an improved version of the Precision AR Pro. It features new Pinpoint Accuracy that actually works, improved capacity, stability, design, and adjustable rate of fire. It also features a new scope so you can target from a distance, and a lighter weight, so that it's easy to carry. This model is popular among midstream gamers.

Microsoft Sidewinder Submachine Gun[edit]

This is the cheapest sidewinder gun you can get. It has a lightweight design so that it can be carried with one hand. It is designed after the famous Thompson Submachine gun, though it has been modified. You can also link two of them together for dual wield action, and it has laser mode for easy targeting of those guys you hate. And for a limited time, it included a magnetic glove so that the gun could be easily thrown and activated to fire, and then return to the user. It sold like hotcakes and is considered one of the best guns for the budget gamer.

Microsoft Sidewinder Force Missile Launcher[edit]

The Sidewinder Force Missile Launcher was the first tracking missile launcher to be released on the public market. It featured directional tracking that allowed the unit to be guided to the target using the included glasses. It also had a force feedback unit to enhance the guidance capabilities. A laser mode was also included so that beginners could more easily guide the missile to its destination, and it included the standard line mode for straight directional firing. The most popular feature is the ability to control the missile manually using the 4 buttons on the launcher. The 2 buttons on the side were used for turning the rocket on or off. This set the trend for future models to come.

Microsoft Sidewinder Precision Sniper Rifle[edit]

The Sidewinder Precision Sniper Rifle is the only sniper rifle in the Sidewinder line. It has pinpoint precision, a zoomable virtual scope, adjustable recoil force, and vision modes early attack planning. This model, however, didn't sell as well as many others because of design flaws. A few gamers bought it, but it was more popular among the hunting groups, and the pinpoint accuracy killed millions of animals.

Microsoft Sidewinder Hacking Commander[edit]

The sidewinder hacking commander is a device that is used to hack anything, and I mean anything. It was so popular that microsoft bundeled it with everything, including their operating systems. Its features included a system anaylizing device that can instantly find any system's weak spot. It also had 8 programmable buttons that were designed to run commands or programs if things got messy. In addition, the hack voice technology allowed you to bring down any target with the greatest of ease. This, however, had a side effect which caused users to become permenently 1337. After a month of use, users started speaking in 1337, buying the most popular stuff and even becoming attention whores. Microsoft has a solution which can be purchased from the Microsoft website. Contact us for more information.

Microsoft Sidewinder Jackal .357[edit]

Known for its one-hit kill abilities, this gun has a sleek design, and adjustable speed and recoil forces. You can also link it up with another gun for twice the fun, and it has lasers built-in for more accurate aiming. The recent Magmun versions fire more powerful rounds, and includes a rapid fire button, which fires the entire clip in just a few seconds. It also has a built in Clip Level LED which displays the level of ammunition remaining in the gun. It also has silver chrome plating encasing it.

Microsoft Sidewinder Plug and Play Pistol[edit]

The plug and play pistol is a budget priced gun. It has a sleek design, and you can link it up with another pistol for John Woo-style action. It is transparent to reveal the intricacies of its construction. This gun sold well amongst budget gamers. Millions of these were purchased merely for shooting things for no reason whatsoever, and for killing people they didn't like.

Microsoft Metal power fist[edit]

For those you want to punch walls with no pain and lots of results. Using the new USB2000 port the Power Fist requires a 3000 watt PSU. The "Micrsoft Weekly report" called this, "Quite fun to use on annoying tricker treaters" 20,000 of these were planned to hit store shelves by Christmas of 2010, but mysterious malfunctions are causing delays in the process. These "malfunctions" are not known at this time. Though some think it has something to do with the subject losing ability to judge right from wrong and also loses the ablity to control the body.


On October 16, 1954, a flaw was discovered. If the gun were exposed to a lot of raidiation, the unit would malfunction and start firing randomly. This caused many "accidental" deaths. Microsoft immediately recalled the products so that the flaw could be corrected and to improve overall performance. At least, that's what they said. Instead, it was redesigned to be more evil by making the gamer unable to live without it. They then started to work on a special gas that would not allow the user to let go of the gun even for a second. The Secret Forces of the USA soon found out what Microsoft was doing, and they terminated their operation. Microsoft was forced to go to court, and after a few days of trial, Microsoft was fined $80,000,000 and was finally forced to fix the flaw. The product was returned to stores on October 26, 1954.

Another controversy involving this product was that parents bought the product for their children. This lead to a protest by the Boring Old People Who Work For Schools (BOPWWFS). They contended that children should not be shooting things at random and killing people accidentally. The parents then protested against the BOPWWFS. The BOPWWFS in turn insulted the parents which led to a 15 day war(see The Parental Conflict of 1954). The parents evenutally won and the BOPWWFS was disbanded.

The Sidewinder line of guns were also used for important killings such as the JFK Assassination, The Assassination of George W. Bush, Bill Clinton's killing, and Jeremy Tibbles Terrible Death. Microsoft was brought before the Supreme Court, and after a few minutes of deliberation, Microsoft won because they used their hypnotizing device on the Court.

But there is also a little known controversy. Millions of people were complaining that the driver CDs contained viruses, ad-ware, spyware and Trojans. The computers then became unworkable. Many complained that this was supposed to be a PC controler, but, unfortunately, Microsoft didn't listen to their complaints and fined anyone that defied Microsoft. Eventually, this led to a strike(see The Employees Strike Back!).

The End[edit]

The ending of the Sidewinder series was very traumatic for a lot of people for two reasons. First, it had heavy competition from the iK-47, and secondly M1cR0s0ft bought the rights to make the Sidewinder in 1978 and is now going to stop making them. But M1cR0s0ft will revive them in the near future as gaming peripherals. Microsoft was very disappointed to lose the rights to the Sidewinder franchise, and then turned to work on the X360.

The Sidewinder franchise was the most memorable line of guns history. So memorable, in fact, it was recently put up for display in the Smithsonian Institute.

See Also[edit]